Welcome. Many of us dont understand how these parents could not be a part of the gc lives. We have had guardianship for more than a year. It happened when DCF gave the parents one day to produce methadone clinic results. Parents ran to us to go and get guardianship in court to 'outsmart' DCF. She is still here, they are still using. We are 68 and 65. Retired. Many more folks here with years of experience.

Would recommend ""google" the phrase "why don't they just quit" - understanding the upside down priorities of the addict is a common thread for family's and friend's. This will lead to some resources that may be helpful. We learned the hard way that trying to impose our values "your kids should be more important than your addiction" really fell on deaf ears. We vented and argued and pleaded, but ultimately we found we had to just accept our new responsibility with the help of sympathetic souls.

Welcome, sothrnb!

We've all been in your position, so we know what you're going through.

One of the most difficult things is to accept the fact that the bios, if addicted to drugs or alcohol, are mostly likely not going to recover enough to raise their kids again. We keep hoping and "helping," but our help does no good. In fact, it enables them to continue their lifestyle since they no longer have to worry about cash, cars, rent, food, etc.

Al-Anon was a major help for me. I learned to realize that we didn't cause their addiction, we can't control it and can't cure it. We learned how to detach from their drama without making ourselves crazy. If you can get away to a meeting, I'd strongly suggest it.

Keep coming back - we're here to share your pain and triumphs.

Thanks so much for the replies. It feels so much better to be able to share with others that totally understand. I will check into any Al Anon classes. It is definitely my main struggle to try and understand why and how drugs just take over someone's life. I thank you all again. I know I have emotions that I've got to deal with as I don't ever want this innocent child to have any negativity. I'm so happy I found this!

Hugs

welcome to the club/group! Not one that any of us really wants to belong to though.

I am raising 2 grand daughters....7 yr old and 1.5 yrs old. The 7 yr old has lived with us since she was about 4 mos old. Her mother just can not get her act together. As far as we know moo is not doing drugs, just can't get her GED, find & keep a job or a place to live,etc. Mom is 25.
The dad up and left when she was like 7 mos old.

My son brought his daughter home from the hospital to my house. she was 2 days old when she arrived. He and his gf at the time were taking care of her. They got into a huge fight, split up, and we forced son out of the house due to his temper,etc. He had been dealing or using drugs off and on unknown to us at the time. Bio mom has not seen her since the baby left the hospital in person nor called. My son is now living about 45 minutes away. He is working, has his own place, has a decent steady gf, and is supposedly out of the drugs,etc. He has come to see his daughter a couple of times and has bought her a few things off and on. I have been raising her since Oct 2013 when son & then gf split up and left.

I hear you loud and clear. I am 56 years old with back issues so it is a challenge for me at times. I am just praying that we do not end up with the brand new grand baby that was just born last week!!

Unbelievable...reading these stories. I guess I was just raised to take on your responsibilities. I had 2 great parents that provided me with the support to learn how to be responsible for your actions. I raised my son with all the love humanly possible. He met this girl and she was raised totally opposite. She had no stability, had been raised by her g/mother as her mother was a meth addict. She had a 7 month old son already (at 18 years old) I took her and her son in as I thought I could open her eyes to the good side of life. It totally backfired. She stole from my entire family. After several crimes, she did everything she could to lose this baby. She wouldn't eat and continued to do drugs until the birth. We all were expecting the worse. The baby was born perfect...although small in weight...she had God's hands on her.I always say that he came and took all the evil out that they had put in her. They were clean for about 3 days and back to the drugs they went. I took care of the baby day and night. I now see this precious child as a blessing. There is some reason that she is here and what a fighter she is to have endured all of this. I love her so much and will have hope that one day she will know her mom and dad. Until then...she has all the love possible. I take everything on this board seriously. I'm checking into Al Anon classes and other counseling available. I still have to work on my heart being so hurt and the betrayal, but this innocent baby will not suffer because of that. Wow.....thanks so much to all of you for this board. I feel I can breath again......

Sothrnb, don't neglect an official arrangement such as guardianship, custody, even adoption. In many states grandparents have no rights at all, and the bios can swoop in at any time and take their kids back. In addition, it can be a problem getting healthcare without proper documentation.

We got three grandchildren within an hour and a half - 10 years ago! Their alleged mother (I call her Pinky) hasn't been able to get her act together since she was 14. Thank God she at least got her tubes tied after the third, or else it would have been much, much worse for the kids. Addicts can't remember birth control so they tend to keep having babies and expecting someone else to raise them.

We're now in the process of adopting the kids because after 10 years there's no hope at all of Pinky getting them even for an overnight visit, let alone custody. We don't even know where she lives at the moment.

It has destroyed my husband's retirement, wiped us out financially and taken away any social life we once had. But at least we know that the kids are growing up in a loving, stable home, getting counseling and seeing that there's life after Pinky.

Hi Sothrnb! Welcome to the group :-) I have had my gs since he was 3, and he just turned 6 and started Kindergarten. Like you, I went thru the phase of "Why is addiction more important than her son?" and "Doesn't she see what she is missing?" But in the end I came to realize that my gs had suffered enough in the first 3 years of his life, and the Whys just don't matter. Its the reality I have to deal with. He has several issues caused by his experiences living with an addict mother for 3 yrs. He doesn't really remember much of it anymore, but he still can't tolerate being alone, in the dark or restrained in any way (a seatbelt is torture to him). He occasionally still fills his pockets with food or small toys, just in case he can't get any later or we don't come home again.

Anyway, I never thought I would be raising a grandchild either. Its honestly not anything any of us planned. Unfortunately, it is all too common these days. You are not alone. We are here for you.

All of the comments are excellent and I couldn't agree more. But I want to add that trying to nurture a relationship between child and bio can cause more damage then good. I spent three years facilitating a relationship between bio and children before I realized the damage I was causing. When I stopped so did the visits for the most part. Then when I filed for guardianship all the visits I facilitated and insisted on counted on her favor not mine. Just because someone gives birth does not mean they have the right to see a child. The child has the right to have a peaceful life and we all know that having a bio in our lives isn't peaceful.

I have been reading here for months now yet people keep posting things I have not read before and I say to myself "Hey mine did that too". Tonight I said that as I read Beks - one gd also hoarded food and toys, the other could not wear a seat belt for the first two months, yet she used to visit us very two weeks and she would wear it. She would have a complete screaming melt down if you tried to get it on. I would drive her 30 minutes to school with no dealt belt by the time we were out of the driveway she would have all her clothes off. We would stop in the school parking like lot and get dressed again. In hind sight I wonder if part of this was due to the fact her bio lived within sight of the old school.

I had no idea how much food the oldest had hidden away until I was cleaning under her bed. She was honest about it and said she needed food in her room in case she was locked and could not get food. It stopped when I pointed out to her that we had stairs up to our room but no door so it was impossible to lock her in.