Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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Needing help!!!

cls1988
cls1988
I have not been on here in a while. I think last time I was on here I had told everyone we got temporary custody of our two granddaughters. Well since November 2009 we have obtained legal custody of the girls. Children Services had asked for this for us because they wanted long term placement. Bio mom is not capable of doing what she needs to do for the girls and bio father is not interested in them. We did allow supervised overnight visits with bio mother in hopes we could try and help her become a better parent. No luck there. The oldest granddaughter is 4 years old. She has lots of anger issues. She had been acting out and hitting on the two year old. It has gotton to the point when they were visiting with bio mom the 4 year old choked the 2 year old with a vacum cord. At that time we stopped the visitations and are getting additional help for the 4 year old. When we first got them back in August of 2009 I took them to the doctor and got the 4 year old help. She was having issues then with being placed with us. Since this last time of seeing another doctor (phychitrist) she has been diagnosed with mood disorder, adhd, odd (oppisisional diefient disorder ?) and rad (reactive attachment disorder. I am not sure if the spelling is correct on the odd. I am not sure if anyone is famliar with rad. It is terrible!!! You will actually think you are raising the devil. I know that is pretty harsh to say but it is the truth. We have asked for help from children services and they are offering help. They are providing us with Respite care. It is like a foster family that takes the child for a weekend or two a month or you can even start out for just an afternoon of a day till the child adjusts. This child has taken over our household to the point I am confined to one room with the girls all day in order to make sure that 4 year is not hurting the 2 year old, the dogs or herself. I am in need of some support here if anyone has any advice for me i willing to take it. We dont want to have the child removed but if things dont get better we dont know what to do for our safety and the safety of the other child. Please help!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yikes hard to believe a child can be this way at such a young age but I def know they can. I so feel for you because I am sure this causes you a great deal of anxiety. I can offer you my prayers for you. If it comes down to her being removed don't feel bad she def sounds like she need more help they you can give her. Getting her help now will give her a chance at a future. I would def continue to get her help and it might be best for her to be placed so she can get help she needs. You should not be scared all day long. I commend you for taking the kids in even though it is hard the lord will help you because you opened your heart. God Bless:)
deleted_user
deleted_user
This is a hard situation for you to be sure. I had similar problems with my 4 year old Grandson. His sister was only 10 months old and he hated her. Hitting, kicking, biting, ect. When we had a meeting with DHS - I told them that this child had anger issues - the sent him to a wonderful consulor. He has did a 180 degree turn around. He now does alot for his baby sister including loving her with hugs and kisses. But when the BIOMOM (My Daughter) leave this house - I know that the problems will return. I guess what I am saying is don't give up. Get the child the help she needs - pray and pray often. I agree with Kristen =) If you have to have her placed somewhere else - know in your heart that you did what you felt was the in the best interest of the child. She may come around like my little guy did. We used a point system. When he misbehaved violently - he had points taken away - and when he was good he got points - if he had 10 points at the end of the week - he got to pick what he wanted for dinner. It worked great for him. My prayers go out to you - God will help you in this - whatever his will is for this child. - He loves them more then even us grandma's
SaraBT
SaraBT
Have you ever tried an "opposite" approach -- spending more time with the 4-year-old just you and her? Or hugging her when she's acting out instead of correcting her?

I have no idea how they treat these disorders so I don't want to give wrong advice. But if the problem is anger because she feels unloved, could extra love be an answer?
cls1988
cls1988
Thanks everyone for you advice. I am hoping some of this helps. We are doing the point system. Just starting it so we will see how it works. As far as spending time with her we tried that and it made things worse. When it came time for attention for the other child she would get very angry and have fits. With kids with rad they do feel unloved because there was never a bond made with their primary care giver (bio mom). The most important thing they are teaching us now is for us to have control! She feels like she has all the power when she acts out. We control hug time. We are to give 12 hugs a day but only on our terms. They say if you let the child do it then they feel like they have the power over you again. I dont know but this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I just hope God gives me the strength to do this. I just thought I would put this out and see if anyone else has delt with children with rad. I have found one other mother in my area that has but she has not had much sucess with the child. Pkease keep us in your prayers :)
deleted_user
deleted_user
Who really counts the hugs that they give their grandkids? 12 hugs a day don't seem like it is alot to me. I am always going up and hugging my grandkids and they are always coming up and hugging me. True that don't have RAD - but I don't know - it seems awful harsh pushing a 4 year old away when she wants a hug. I am not an expert, but I think that if I was in this position, I would seek Gods leading. Pray and let him lead you. Kids need love and affection and they need to know that it is ok for them to come up to you and give that love. Just my opinion - I do not mean to be critical or anything - just trying to give suggestion, from the point I have been. I will definitely be praying for you!
SaraBT
SaraBT
When we first got our grandchildren we were worried that they might blame themselves because their mom "didn't want them." As young as they were, I would ask them questions like: "If your mom has a stomach ache, is that your fault?" They would say "no." Then I would ask other similar questions, ending up with "your mom doesn't feel good and can't raise you right now. Is that your fault?" And they would say "no." (I hope they understand that).

Anyway, I wonder if you could also ask her questions like: "When your (favorite doll) is in the other room, do you still love her?" Maybe that will get her thinking that people can love her even when they're not paying attention to her right that minute.

It never hurts to try love! :-)
deleted_user
deleted_user
YOU MAY NOT WANT TO READ THIS IT IS NOT ENCOURAGEMNT BUT AN ALTERNATE STORY ALONG THE SAME THEME.
OMG I feel so sorry for you and the kids. this sounds so similar to one of my nieces, but she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, still lives with bio mom but bio dad was an abuser and is out of the picture. She has an older brother by 2 years and she would hurt him and her mom and anyone else that got in her way. She was just downright mean and violent. Her mom woke up one night with this child holding a hammer over the moms head and laughing that she was going to "smash her brains" she was 5 years old at the time. She is now 10 years old. It has taken a host of doctors, and many trials of different medications to get her to the point she is now. She is in public school (for the last 2 years), does not hurt people physically any more. But she is a chronic liar, sneaky and can hurt folks mentally with her comments and appears to take great pleasure in making others cry (her older brother is autistic) especially her brother and grandmother (not me) where they all live. I've watched her mom, brother and grandmother, age considerably, withdraw from family functions and social situations over the years. I'm not sure if this child is ultimately responsible for this but I believe this family would be more functional and healthy if they had made the decision to have her placed somewhere. At least 3 of the 4 would be happier, and healthier and who knows the girl may be able to get concentrated help and ultimately be better off too.
I applaud your (and their) willingness to try to do what is thought to be best for the kids.
this family has had lots of support and love and lots of family helping her in anyway they could, but as the years went on the support dwindled and it was left to mom and grandma.
Please take care of yourselves or there may not be anyone to take care of the 2 year old.
God bless you
cls1988
cls1988
Lunagelu I am not taking your post personal. We have tried all different measures with this child. We are a christian family who attends church regularly and have taken the girls with us when they were placed with us. We use to let her give hugs in the begining when she wanted but they were not loving hugs. With a child who has RAD they have no sense of what love is. They have to be taught. It is very sad for her and my heart does ache for her but it also aches for the abuse that my family is having to go through because of this. I agree with you on there should not be a limit to how many hugs a day a child should get but when a child thinks they are in control they will use whatever to get what they want and gain control of the situation again.
Ravensgma I have heard plenty of stories recently like what you posted. It does scare me to death because I see our cituation getting worse day by day instead of better. My biggest fear is she is going to hurt the 2 year old bad or even kill her. She tells people she dont like her, she hates her and wants her to die. We currently have her on meds but still not working. We are working with the doctor on a daily basis to try and get the meds adjusted so they can calm her down enough to work on her behavoir. I wish they had more support groups for parents or caregivers with kids who have this. People dont realize what it does to your life!!
Again thank you all for caring enough to give advice. I am willing to try anything at this point. God Bless :)
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am sorry I have no experience with what you are going through. However, I know the power of prayer and the power of love. It sounds as though you are doing everything you know to do. I will keep you and your precious grandchildren in my prayers.
daisydduck
daisydduck
These disorders may make it difficult for some children to accept being hugged. Both disorders are very defensive in that the children are trying to protect themselves from being hurt again. Our gs suffered from post traumatic stress and attachments disorder. These are relatively new diagnosis so at the time we didn't understand. It was a relief when they made the diagnosis because we could plan. Loving and disciplining are different for children like this. There is a book titled: The Littlle Boy Who Was Raised Like A Dog by Dr. Bruce Perry. It is about children and stress and trauma and how it affects their behavior. My book: Born Into Love will be out within the month. It is about grandparents raising grandchildren with stories, studies and statistics. One thing I w/suggest is asking about grieving therapy for the 4 yr old. Many of her outbursts c/be related to loss of bio mom and life as she knew it (good or bad). Also, could you put the 2 year old in a program a few times a week to spend special time with the 4yr old? I think an important piece of advice is to not "over parent" this child. Be calm, reassuring, and supportive. I don't like the word "control" as I feel it is too threatening. If she is trying to control its because she does not trust an adult to control life for her. Trust is a HUGE issue. I applaud you for the proactive way you are raising these children. You are to be commended.
daisydduck
daisydduck
sorry....the book by Dr. Perry is "The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog", no "Little".
cls1988
cls1988
Thanks Daisy :) I have not heard of that book but will look into it. I have read "When love is not Enough" by Nancy L Thomas. I think it is a very good book. It may seem very harsh to some people. It did to me at first but after thinking about it I could see the bigger picture. We are not able to let the two children play together in activities at this time because the 4 year refuses and if we try to have them play together (supervised of course) it will bring out the rage and anger in her. So for now we are following the advice of her therapist and separting them from activities together. I am currently looking into starting a support group in my area for children with these type of disorders. It really takes a toll emotionally on the care giver of that child. Wish me luck on getting this going. God Bless and thanks for the info on the book.
GMaWilli
GMaWilli
I cannot imagine how you cope, but do know that your faith can pull your through one day at a time. I would definitely lay hands on that child every single chance I got and ask your church family to do the same. We know it is the adversary causing these issues. I would be bathing her in prayer and filling my home with Christian music and programs. I'm also wondering - could a child's diet contribute to some of the symptoms? Seems like I've heard of parents who've found out that their child had an allergy to some things (in their food or hygeine products) that most children don't and it's affected their behavior horribly. I know, I'm reaching here, but would love to help you find some source of answers!!!! Praying for you!!!!
daisydduck
daisydduck
Don't underestimate the grief part. I have interviewed people who do this type of therapy and say it is so necessary for our grandkids. Good luck on starting support group. I am trying to raise money to start an online resource center for grandparents where things like that could be noted. I don't think there is a central area for grandparents to obtain needed information.
daisydduck
daisydduck
GAma, with all due respect, God, nor the devil did this. it was human beings. I have a strong faith in God and I believe He is there to help us but I think we need to pray for the help to find the therapy needed and the patience to love the child through these terrible times. I again place the importance on grief therapy. How would you feel if you lost everything you knew and loved when you were just a toddler? The poor children don't know how to react and anger/acting out is the only way they can express their feelings. Structure, love and support are the only things we can do. When we went through the anger issues w/our gs, I just wanted to hold him and tell him it was ok, but it wasn't. We needed to work through it with him and it took a lot of time and patience. Sorry for going on but this is a subject so close to my heart. I feel so bad for these babes. This is a poem I wrote:

You saved me from the monsters!
Life goes on, the sun rises and sets
It pays no attention to the hurts and joys we encounter
It still rises and sets; it still maintains its beauty
Our hopes are renewed with each day; worry and peace play in
our minds
Which will it be today? Life is changing and we must move on
Happier things are sure to comeBANGlife changes
The monsters in the closet have escaped and are attacking
Too little to fight, he needs help
You saved me from the monsters!
What job have I been given? No Joan of Arc am I!
How do I save the little babe? The monsters are threatening
I cannot ignore himI must do something
Please God, a plan, a plan, I need help!
By Peggy OConnor