Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

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need to plan visitation away from home

scgramma
scgramma
After biomoms fit last weekend, I have determined to not have visitation at my house. My reasons are to eliminate the drama, and occasional violent tantrums by biomom.

It has always been easier, for the last 2 years, to just have her stay the day on a weekend, and occasionally the whole weekend. But I just cant do this with her unpredictability. She could be allowed to have unsupervised with 3yo, but I cant let him stay at her house as she has unsavory people around constantly. She is furious at me, needless to say.

She only has supervised visits with 10 mo gd. I guess we are going to have to come up with plans on where to have visitation, which is going to be inconvenient for me to sit around and watch her for hours. I just dont know of any alternatives, since she doesnt have any friends I would allow to supervise her, and her babys father isnt going to want to either.

I wish I didnt have to do this, but if (I should say WHEN)she keeps disrespecting us, attacking people and destroying my house, sooner or later someone is going to get hurt and/or thrown in jail, and grandkids dont need to watch her tantrums either. Then DSS will take them both and call it neglect from watching domestic violence. Ive had gs for 2 years, biodad in prison, so we are all he has. Gd would end up with paternal grands if she was put in foster. The way biomom acts, one accusation on her part and the kids will be taken.
If anyone knows what a BPD acts like when angry they will understand what Im saying.
SaraBT
SaraBT
scgramma, we may end up doing something similar. We're tired of getting scabies.

Should she demonstrate any interest in the kids' lives (e.g., calling them more than once every week or so) maybe we could offer to meet her at her local McDonald's once in a while.

She was trying to call every day so she could join us for Thanksgiving. But she was so transparent. One evening she called when she knew the kids were already in bed. She said "I know the kids are in bed but I wanted to PUT MY CALL IN." As if just dialing our number is enough!!! Sheesh!

Then, when my husband read her the riot act for giving us scabies again, and told her Thanksgiving was out, she stopped calling.

I really, really, really, really resent the HE** out of her!!!!!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
scgramma, I don't know where you live, but in my area I found an organization run by a church that supervised visitations. It was called Parent Place. The parent(s) had to sign up and were given an assigned time and day for visitation. It was 1 day a week for 2 hours. They had to pay $25 each week. They had to arrive 10 min before visitation and leave 10 min after it was over. That is so there is no contact with the other party. They have an individual who sits in on the entire visitation to make sure there is no inappropriate behavior or conversations. They are not allowed to discuss the other party. If they think they are "high" the visitation is cancelled. I would think that with all the abuse that happens to children nowadays, that every town would have something like this. You might check with CPS or the juvenile court. My dear son in law hated it so much, he actually went to rehab!!!!
mamawx4
mamawx4
My daughter[biomom]hasn't been to my house in over 3years by court order.She made death threats against me and her oldest son and the judge ordered that when I was given custody of the baby she would never be allowed at my house again as long as I have custody of him.The order stated that if I allowed her to visit it had to be in a public place,like a restraunt or park.She has seen the oldest 3 times since he was born and has never even asked to see the 2 year old.
LunaRose
LunaRose
If your 'case' is already a part of the DSS system, then perhaps you can call them and ask for help. Or maybe call the court or local police, and ask if they have something available for those needing supervised visits.

Otherwise, you may have to hire someone.
SaraBT
SaraBT
Luna has a good idea. If you're in the system you may have to accept visitation.

We have visitation to be determined among us, so we can just say "no." My husband's daughter would have to take us to court if she wanted enforced visitation.

Actually, it would be a good thing if she did that. It would mean she was becoming a human being again. But she's so drugged up half the time she doesn't have the desire.
daisydduck
daisydduck
We were advised early on to do visitation in a "neutral" territory like a mall, restaurant, etc. They are less likely to pull somthing if others are watching. Walking through the mall, eating together, seeing ai movie, going to the zoo, a park, etc. Then you don't have to just sit there and the pressure is less on the kids because they are distracted.
balibird
balibird
Neutral is a good idea. Often I meet my daughter and we go to Wal Mart, and Safeway, then something to eat.Sometimes we get "to go" and sit at a park. We are busy and having a good time, and in public. Works for me! Then when it is time to go, it is sort of automatic. We pull in the drive way, say good byes and we are on our way. My heart breaks, and breaks for my daughter who is so ill, but the child doesn't feel so much strain .And he is the important one here. I have made it clear to my daughter not to pull anything. I feel grateful that for the most part she sees the logic.
scgramma
scgramma
Last weekend went fine, we took them to the mall and they played . But I end up taking the baby to change diapers, and feeding them, and although they and she have a great time, I have suddenly realized she has never had to handle these kids without someone there to do the work, while she wanders around, talks on the phone, watches tv, and then says"MY KIDS" I think its time for the visits to be with her exerting more effort. I hate to punish the kids, but she needs to see how much work it is to handle 2 kids, without me to change diapers and feed them and keep them busy. No going out, strapping them in carseats and strollers. Just good ole heres your kids, play with them for a couple hours, change them, and feed them yourself.
She couldnt even handle the baby by herself, and thats how she ended up at my house.
Biomom swears she is getting both back"sooner than you think". I have had gs for 2 years, and he doesnt need her string of boyfriends, and her temper tantrums.I have him in speech therapy, and 3 k. She doesnt even have a job and hasn't in 2 years. Someone is nuts here. Either she is nuts to believe she is going to be handed these kids, or DSS is nuts for considering it.
daisydduck
daisydduck
don't punish kids....go to protective services and ask if they are putting her through parenting classes. They can make that a condition of visitation and/or custody. She w/have to comply w/classes and who knows if she will learn how to be a parent. At least there will be people watching her to see if she can parent. Report exactly as you said in post that she did not even attempt to meet kids needs. Good luck. You might want to be a little devious next time and suggest to her that people are watching since you are in a public place and can see that she is not caring for children. Hopefull, a little guilt w/come into play and she w/at least try, but do report it!
scgramma
scgramma
when i got grandson 2 years ago, her treatment plan included threapy, parneting classes, anger management, and a job.
I paid for and transported her to anger management, parenting classes, and completed therapy. Unfortunately I couldn't give her a job...

now her treatment plan is therapy and a job.... I refuse to transport or arrange transportation anymore to therapy, since I work and my entire family is tired of dealing with her.

I know i should just walk away and stop arranging visitation, and believeme I am tempted. however, I do want to show I have done my best to enable reunification, and like a blind person, keep hoping that her professed love of this new baby will urge her to get a job. My hopes are dimming though, I think she really believes she can tell dss she works for this fictitious company her boyfriend "runs" She is saying she can get paystubs. He has 2 post ofice boxes for the "busines" and cell phones that keep changing numbers. Honestly, i believe the rumor they are laundering money...
At this point I am even concerned I might get a hit put out on me if I am too loud.I told her I don't care what they are doing, that it's between her and DSS.
SaraBT
SaraBT
scgramma, you already have proven that you've done more than enough to "help" her. Time now to take a step back, enjoy your grandson, and focus on him.

She's either going to get her act together or she isn't; and from everyone who posts here and others I talk to, the "isn't" is the most likely.

My husband and I have totally and completely given up on his daughter. If she calls, fine. If she doesn't, fine. If she gets a job, fine, if she doesn't, fine. It no longer matters to us because she will NOT get the kids back at this point - she has dithered away too long.

I've said it on another tread; when I reached the point that I realized I am now the kids' Mommy it freed me from giving Her one extra thought. (Well, when she gave us scabies for the second time I did think about her an awful lot. LOL)

But I realized that we are not responsible for Her life, no matter how it turns out or ends. Every single decision she has ever made was the wrong one, and it led her to where she is today.

Oh, well...