Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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paytonsgrandma 06/18/2019

I'm 61 years old. My grandson came to live with me when he was 16 months old. I adopted him at 2 1/2 years of age. My daughter( his bio mom) and the boyfriend were addicted, homeless constantly, in and out of jail. He has called me grammie from the beginning because I had this foolish notion in the beginning that they would at some point get their stuff together and be in his life in a good way. When he was little and would ask why his mommy and daddy werent here I explained by saying that when he was born they werent able to take care of him and he came to live with me so I could take care of him etc. Hes 6 now. Now he wants bigger answers. I'm not sure what to say. How to I explain addiction to him, along with his mothers serioius mental health issues. I've tried hard not to involve him in their bad choices. I've keep their addiction and jail issues from him to shield him from the "my mommy is in jail, my daddy is in jail" thing that so many little kids deal with now.

My daughter ,32, is clean now but has cluster b personality disorder and schizophrenia so she is very chaotic even on medication. The father is a heroin addict. Always going to get clean tomorrow. Hes 40 now. Constantly in and out of jail for probation violations etc.

I dont know what to say when my grandson says "why are my mommy and daddy gone", "why dont they come see me". I dont know how to explain their addiction to him in terms he can understand. I dont want him to be one of the kids that go to school and talk about mommy and daddy in jail and mommy and daddy doing drugs. I dont want that for him.

Does anyone have any advice for me. Thank you

anon19 06/23/2019

I'm so glad that you are concerned about the well being of this child and how this will affect him in the long run. First can I just say thank you for stepping up and not letting him fall into the system. He has a much better chance to be normal just because of you. Know that he will always have some things to deal with in life because of his parents but that's not on you. Have you considered going to the school counselor or another one to help with this? I know truth is the best policy and I can tell you want to be open with him but at that age I think wording to his understanding is going to be key and I believe they can help you navigate through this. They can also help you to know how much information to give and at what times as he grows up. He may not need that much right now with him being so young. They can also help him with how he should respond to other kids that may ask as well. With bullying being so rampant now a days I think the more you can do to protect him the better. Keep doing a good job and loving on him Grammie!

JanisJ 07/03/2019

We adopted our 2 year old granddaughter after our daughter died from complications of drug abuse. She is 15 now. I had always heard 'only answer what they ask' . In other words don't elaborate too much. My daughter also had a heart defect which we found out at her death. So for a long time I said that her Mommy was ill and that was why she died. I have given out more and more info as she has grown. Now she knows her mother was an addict and her heart just couldn't take anymore. So I never lied to her, I just didn't reveal the whole truth. Another thing I have done is start a journal and in it I explained more and more of the truth about the events that led up to her death. I had planned to give it to her when she was 16 which is coming up. I will reread and decide about that. I also commend you for stepping up. I am now 68 and grow weary but my granddaughter is my joy.

Ncoover 07/08/2019

I think that it is important to be open with children struggling with trauma. Trying to keep things from them too much will make them feel like there are things they are unable to talk about with others like they are "taboo." I think these things do need to be addressed in an age appropriate way
Here are some links to a couple books that look like they might be helpful:
https://www.amazon.com/Critters-Cry-Too-Explaining-Addiction/dp/0692587322/ref=pd_sbs_14_6/141-2890910-3408851?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0692587322&pd_rd_r=2606b15d-a1eb-11e9-ae12-fbad7273ae80&pd_rd_w=Ff2dT&pd_rd_wg=iY5oy&pf_rd_p=588939de-d3f8-42f1-a3d8-d556eae5797d&pf_rd_r=V2EB66WZ2RK681P5JWVM&psc=1&refRID=V2EB66WZ2RK681P5JWVM

https://www.amazon.com/Dad-Loves-Has-Disease-Addiction/dp/1942094752/ref=pd_sbs_14_2/141-2890910-3408851?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1942094752&pd_rd_r=2606b15d-a1eb-11e9-ae12-fbad7273ae80&pd_rd_w=Ff2dT&pd_rd_wg=iY5oy&pf_rd_p=588939de-d3f8-42f1-a3d8-d556eae5797d&pf_rd_r=V2EB66WZ2RK681P5JWVM&psc=1&refRID=V2EB66WZ2RK681P5JWVM

This is a really great one that I used when addressing trauma when I was a mental health counselor, especially if your grandchild witnessed any of your children's behaviors.

https://www.amazon.com/Terrible-Thing-Happened-Margaret-Holmes/dp/1557987017

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