My heart just breaks for all of you. For you all and your grandson. His little heart will be broken and I know you must be feeling the same. I don't even know what to say except FOLLOW YOUR HEART.

Of course you CAN raise him. The question is whether you WANT to. I've found that the men just aren't as on board as the women. My husband originally accepted the idea of raising our three grandchildren. But I suspect the thought it would be a temporary thing -- a couple of weeks, months, or even a year or so.

Now that it's sinking in that this is a permanent situation he's handling it less and less well. Spending more time downstairs in his music studio, being angry all the time or going to bed early -- he and I are drifting apart, etc. And these are technically HIS grandchildren -- they aren't mine biologically.

I don't know what the answer is. He loves his grandchildren. But it has been HIS retirement that was destroyed by HIS daughter. So he'll have to figure out how to deal with it, I suppose.

Liam: My heart is breaking for you. I was and probably still might be at your place. There is no way that I would let my husband tell me that he won't raise my grands. I will simply leave him and do it on my own. That is easy for me in that I make a decent salary and can afford them. However, it would not be easy if I were living paycheck to paycheck and if I depended on my husband for income. Have you considered asking him to attend counseling with you to try and talk this out? It could be that he just needs reassurance about his place in all of the drama.

Even though I don't know your finances or your particular situation, I see your problem and I am so sad. What a terrible thing to do to that child, your grandchild. Follow your heart. Many men, even bios, resent their children and the attention they have to get from their wives. Those men need to go back to never,never land, in my opinion.

God bless you and help you make the right decision.
Hugs,
T2

I agree that you just have to follow your heart. I was 56 when I got custody of my 1 yr old granddaughter, kept her for 3 years, let her go back to her mother (my daughter) and then got her again last yr when her mother got into trouble and went to jail. She is 7 now and this time, I intend to raise her until she is 18 and give her the life and love she deserves. It's certainly not easy and lots of issues to deal with, but I can't imagine her living any where else! Hope your hubby comes around............mine did!

Maybe your husband is just having some cold feet and needs to talk to a counselor about his new feelings. I am sure that they are connected to his feeling that he will never have the dream retirement he has held onto all his life.

Perhaps you both could sit down and write out the pros and cons of having your grandson permanently and then let each other read the other's list. This way, you could see his point of view clearer and he could see yours. Sometimes having things in black & white helps us to clarify things.

Perhaps if you acknowledged his disappointment in not being able to realize his dream retirement as soon as he thought would be a step in the right direction. Also let him know that you too feel those same emotions (I know you do; we all feel this here). Let him know that raising his grandson is not a forever thing but only for X number of years. Also let him know that his freedom and retirement are not lost, just pushed back a few years. And maybe, just maybe, raising his grandson will be an accomplishment that he will find well worth the time and perceived loss. It certainly would not leave him regreting giving up his grandson to a foster care system and perhaps adoption to someone you do not know and would possibly not be able to contact to see how he is doing. I wonder if he really wants that or if he has even thought about it from that standpoint?

I would like to think that this is just a natural fear reaction to losing the freedom he believed he would have in his older age. Be sure to acknowledge his fears and concerns; repeat them back to him so he will know that you are hearing him. Talk openly and honestly about your loss--for it is a real loss, not an imagined one.

We here are all in that position. We have lost dreams (or just put them off for a later time) to raise children who have no one else to reach out to. We have chosen the hard road but one that will more than likely pay off in great dividends in the future. That is the one real hope we all hang onto here. That we can make a positive difference in our charges' lives.

Take care.... and remember that we are all here for you if you need someone to talk to.
Theresa

Thanks everyone...I do understand his fears and your right we need to talk about this with a therapist

I was told an adoption social worker will be assigned to us after this hearing and the process starts. If my husband and I aren't in agreement we will not be able to adopt. I had a fill-in SW one month who by the way was very informative then our regular SW and she told us all about the process we will be going through. My husband & I have to be united or we won't be able to adopt him.

Yesterday, I was so upset I didn't want to talk to my husband anymore about this he just seems to explode about this when I got home from work. He has been holding it in for awhile. Now that we both had rest maybe we can talk about how we are going to handle court tomorrow.

I agree that I can see that my husband feels neglected even more now with GS (we also have 12 & 14 yr old daughters at home). We both work full time and it is very taxing on both of us. I am the one who takes off most of the time to take GS to appts. My husband helps allot with GS he has been taking him back and forth to daycare. I take care of GS after work and I sleep in GS's Bedroom because he still gets up during the night.

We bought a new house 3 yrs ago and rent out our old house so that our daughters can go to the best schools in the district. I now regret this decision because we could have afforded for me to quit my job and we wouldn't be so drained. I talk to him about moving back to our old house and he said no.

Sorry to go on...thank again all for your support,

Judi

Liam2010
I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. What is the reason your husband has given if any for not wanting to raise gs at this point. I understand how stressfull it is b/c I am in a simular situation. But it isn't my boyfriends child. (as a matter of fact he has no children so I knew what to expect going into this) I knew that it was going to be all on my lucky for me I have other children that are very supportive. They help me by watching him when I need a break or when I was very ill. But we are a very close family. (my kids and I) The two oldest live within 20 mins of me and my youngest still lives at home(he will be 17 in 2 weeks) He does more with gs than gs's parents do. Or even the other grandparents. The only time they see him is if I call them and ask them to keep him for a weekend once every two months or so.

I am sure this is a very hard place that you are being put in....leaving your husband is a very bold choice..I am guessing that since that seems to be on the table that you guys have grown apart since gs came into the picture??? I hope and pray that this situation is resolved to what is best for ALL OF YOU.

Your in my thoughts and prayers and just remember that we can only do so much.......

It sounds like a lot of us are in the same situation. Like Sara said about her husband, my husband also thought this was just a temporary thing and then some miracle would happen that the parents would quit drugs and suddenly become responsible. I know this is not going to happen and we may be raising all 4 of our gc until they are grown. The youngest is just 2 yrs old so I will be 75 before she is an adult. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you but I don't know how to handle my own similar situation. My husband also spends a lot of time gone or in his garage and is very often angry. I just take one day/hour at a time and hope for the best. Separation or divorce is not an option for either of us, but the stress is driving us apart. If I hear "this is not fair to us" from him one more time I think I will strangle him! Of course it is not fair to us, but it is also not fair to these kids to have to be raised by 2 older folks instead of young, responsible adult parents. It is what it is and they are better off here than in foster care. If I were ever forced to do that to them, then I probably would be ready to leave my husband. I really don't think he is going to do that but I think it will take a long time for his attitude to change. I think it helps that he is free to come and go as he wants (it must be nice) but still very stressful when he is home. Anyway my prayers are with you that things will work all for all of you. I have been working on my husband to go to counseling and he is starting to think about doing that so maybe that would you help you two also. Wishing you all the best while you wrestle with this difficult decision.

Everyone: Please, please, please consider counseling to help you and your husbands/significant others cope with these tremendous changes in your lives. Just this wkend, we had out of town guests (family) and when we told them the story of what we're going through, they were very negative and now my husband is believing them and thinking that we won't have to take the grands in our home; that it will all work out and they will stay where they are. Well, maybe, maybe not. I did not respond, but I made an appointment for us both to visit a counselor who knows BPDs and understands the problems of stepfamilies and all other experiences we are undergoing. It is imperative that WE are on the SAME page, or it will be major changes for us.

I wish you all the best, always!
T2

T2, I agree we need someone (therapist, etc) who can help. I also have to tell you that we too had guests this weekend and they did shed a negative light on adoption with GS. I am not so swayed by others opinion as my husband is.

Things are calm when I came home from work. My GS and husband were napping on his lazy boy. He told me he had fed him his mid day meal. He just ran out with our younger daughter to get dinner and seems in a better mood.

We will have to talk about court because it will be tomorrow morning.

Thanks again all for your support,

Judi

You are in my thoughts and prayers and you and your husband are both under a lot of stress but I know that you have the strength to make it thru this.

god bless

Let us know how is goes.

jeanie

Hi Liam: I just have to suggest this one thing that stood out like a huge red flag to me - I think it would probably help immensely if you MOVE BACK INTO YOUR MARITAL BED!! Get a baby monitor and get up when the baby needs you, but men NEED us to be in their beds. I think this one act alone could completely change his attitude. I was married for 13+ years and have been in my current relationship (not married or living together, but we're intimate) for 10. My experience has been that men are alot like little boys. They need that snuggling and comforting and closeness. I'm pretty sure a counselor will tell you the same. I can completely relate to the struggle you are going through, though, and the feelings of being pulled in 2 or more directions by people you love immensely. I got the state involved 2 years ago and took my GS from my son and the bio mom. At the time, I had been engaged. My boyfriend (then fiance'), didn't want to be a full-time father to my GS. He was also afraid of what would happen if something happened to me or what would happen if he & I should get divorced. An attorney actually told him it was a bad idea because if he married me and took on the daily resp. of my GS and we divorced, he could be on the hook for child support until my GS turns 18. We broke off the engagement and eventually split up for several months over constant fights concerning his hatred for my son. We did get back together, but now I'm facing a new dilemna and scared to death of what the outcome might be. My daughter is pregnant with a baby boy and could possibly end up losing him to the state when he's born because of her drug issues. I know that once I hold that sweet baby, it will practically KILL me to let any strangers take him into a non-relative foster home. I'm already a licensed relative foster mom, so I could most likely take him and give my daughter the time she needs to work through her problems and get him back. However; I have a pretty strong feeling that if it comes down to that & I make that choice, my 10 year relationship will be permanently severed. And I couldn't blame him for feeling that way. But this has been the nagging question since my GS was born................How on Earth do you CHOOSE between your significant other, be it bf, fiance or husband, and a sweet, precious innocent baby who is a part of yourself???????????HOW????????