Lordy, Lordy, Lordy, does your story sound like mine! While I love my grandchildren and have from the beginning, I did NOT want to raise them forever and still don't. I suppose I did it out of knee-jerk reaction when their alleged mother took off for a party and left them with her boyfriend. I couldn't watch them be split up and raised by strangers because I sat back and refused to do it. We had the room, the financial ability, and there was no reason for us to say "no."

On one hand, I still resent the heck out of the fact that our lives have been destroyed because of the actions of one narcissistic drug ho. I truly wish I never had to see her again, because she has pushed her limits beyond the limits of decency. On the other hand, I love the grandkids (I, too, am technically their "step" grannie) and know they're better off with us.

Oddly, they never cried for their mother. Maybe it's because they had lived with us before, along with Her, after each of her rehabs (forget which numbers). So they would be familiar with our home, etc. And I don't know if their not crying for her is normal or good. We talk about her and how they feel, so maybe that takes care of it?

I won't kid you -- it's going to be rough for the next few years, mostly because of our ages. We're not 20 or 30 anymore, and that makes a big difference. I always thought that taking care of my mother with Alzheimer's was hard. NOTHING prepared me for three little kids 24/7 for the next 18 years. There are still days when I think I'll go insane, but I rely on prayer to get me through.

The good news is that the kids will become more independent and able to do more things themselves. Those first years, with diapers and naps and feedings, were horrific. But now all three can take their own showers, dress themselves, make their own cereal, etc. And that has removed much of the stress.

By the way, here's the final kick in the butt: The kids will always love their "mother" and will rather be with her, even when they understand that would not be the best thing.

My husband's ex-wife turned her daughter into the druggie she is today, by sharing pot, coke, booze, etc. with her (using the "she's going to do it anyway so I'd prefer she does it when she's safe at home with me" - she was into drugs herself). Yet to this day my husband's three kids love their mother, even though they no longer respect her. They rarely call her, and she can't understand why. She constantly calls them because, praise the Lord, she moved 1000 miles away.

My husband keeps telling me though, that should it come to a choice of which one they would care for in their old age, they'd choose me in a heartbeat. So I guess we'll get our "reward" when we're completely out of it with Alzheimer's or something! :-)

I sympathize too. While I have my daughter's 2 sons, and they have been with me for a year (6 months with the parents here, 6 months with them kicked out and me having the kids), our situations are similar. First, you need to know that ALL of that is completely normal for our situations. The kids love their mom, even if she didn't take care of them right, because they don't know any difference. Second, you have to know it will take them a LONG time to adjust. Months. You have to be their ROCK of stability. Keep to a schedule. Keep to the same rules all the time. Don't disrupt their days with leaving them with new babysitters, etc. Patience, patience, patience. If you feel yourself getting upset with them, put them in a room with toys or cartoons, and go in the bathroom and take deep breaths. For the mother, you do NOT have to have her there for hours like that. Tell CPS that you want her visits to be twice a week, an hour at a time. They WILL work with you. CPS wants to hear from the caregiver about what YOU think is best for the kids. IF things go well, then MAYBE she can have an extra day. But tell them that you have the children on a schedule and that her visits disrupt it. I don't think this is necessarily just because they are steps, but more because you haven't truly bonded yet, but that will come when they settle in. Keep telling yourself that THIS part is the worst part, the first few months, their ages, etc. You CAN get through this, and the small joys that make it worth it will start coming in. Start a bedtime routine, reading a book, etc. I put Christmas twinkle lights in the boys' room that they just love to watch. Hang in there and come here to vent! Like Sara said, we all resent that we have to do this, but in the end, we CHOSE to rescue these children. I no longer get in discussions with the bio parent about what they are doing to work on this, etc. Let CPS worry about that. Refuse to discuss it with her when she is with the children. Tell her what you expect during the visits... her reading books, holding them, making a snack for them, etc. She needs parenting instructions on what to do with them. You can find stuff on the computer for ideas. But limit those visits!!

Sharon, your advice is SO right on! Stability, routine, consistent love can work miracles! Children actually crave discipline, because it makes them feel secure.

It will be a major pain in the butt for the first few months, as Sharon said (it will take that long). But it will work. We saw the difference as our three settled in to our extremely strict routine. To this day they continue to follow most of that routine on their own.

I think, too, we forget (or try to - HAHAHA) what it's like to raise little kids. They can be a major pain, writing on the walls, destroying your flowers, tearing up important papers -- bet you forgot about all that HAHAHA. And when we're no longer young eager parents, it tends to wear on our nerves a lot more. But that routine will help in a big way.

Also, Sharon is correct that we should stop focusing on the "mom's" recovery. Nothing we do will change it, so focus on what makes YOUR lives easier. Again, a strict routine for the kids will help your lives as well as theirs.

Thanks girls great advice. I have started a routine with them. I am doing real well at sticking with it. I learned that from raising my own children. I guess I was expecting everything to fall into place so neatly and thats not how it works. I am going to trust in the Lord to give me the strength to raise these babies and do what is best for them. I will stay in contact with cps worker and keep her updated and see if we can reduce the time she is allowed to visit. I think that is a great idea that I picked out a few things for her to do with the girls and see how she can do with them. Again thanks to both of you. I am feeling better about this today. I have been running on 4 hours of sleep a night because both girls are still adjusting and waking up through the night. Also both are sick. Take care and thanks for the good advice.
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Another good thing, my favorite thing in the world, is A NAP!!! LOL! Take a nap when they do. You have to time warp back to those days when you had little ones. Let some housework go. My 4-year-old grandson still takes a nap, but some don't, but they still need a rest time. Don't do housework then... REST! You will have down days, so come back and vent here. And, on your good days, come back and pull someone else up. :o)

Sharon,

I agree with others, routine will eventually become the safety they crave.

BTW, remember that even kids from very abusive homes will cry for their abusive parents. It is what they know, despite how bad it is. The fear of the unknown is worse than the fear of the known. Once they find out that they are safe, they will become more and more detached from their bios.

Hang in there hon, it will get easier.

Bonding does not happen overnight. Don't be too hard on yourself. A little each day is all you can do or expect. Over time the bonding will occur. Our gs is now 19 and it's this past year as he has reached adulthood that the bond between us became clear. Believe there days when I doubted my success as a mother to him. Be patient. You have had a lot dropped in your lap.

For those of you complaining about what you have lost I would like to give you a thought. My daughter died of brain cancer when her son was 14 mos old. I wish she was here to argue with. I guess I look at the sacrifice we made for our gs differently because I feel I am doing it for her because there is nothing else I could do for her. I think when the road gets tough we need to look at the other guy and realize that things could be worse. I know.

I hear ya sista! I am in the same shoes, stepgrandchildren, I have had them for over 4 years and mommy dearest shows up and now wants them. Part of me wants her to have them I am tired and they have special needs, but on the other hand I HATE her for coming back. Get lost or grow up I say.
Sorry not much help here but I do understand. Hugs to you