Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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dianaconroy 08/22/2011

Well last night we told my stepdaughter that we're filing for guardianship. She told family members that she's taking the grandkids in September, they're 4 and 2. As part of the paperwork we had to write a summary of why we felt that it was necessary to get guardianship. We wrote a lot of things, how she stole from family, her plans to take them, her choice in relationships, her pot smoking, etc. She read it all, and cried and asked why we were doing this to her. She denied everything including that she had any intention of taking them in September. Up to last night I had worked really hard to build a relationship with her. For all intents and purposes the relationship appeared to be working. My husband and I have the children an average of 5-6 nights a week, she would take the kids an average of 1 to 2 nights a week, sometimes not at all. We lived in constant fear that she was going to rip the kids away of the only life they knew of swimming classes, ballet, soccer, into a life of watching tv all day while she smoked pot and hung out with the wrong crowd. Now she's saying that she will fight us and that we'll lose and when we do we'll never see the kids again. I'm so scared that we'll lose. At the end we won't be the losers, the children will be. It's about so much more then classes and material things, we're not rich but we provide them with a good life. If only she was capable of making the right choices and providing them with love and a safe home to live in, that would be enough. I'm scared that my husband and I got greedy. I pray to god we made the right choice. My head tells me we have made the right choice and that we need to take control back. The way we've been living is stressful. We never know what tomorrow will bring. We can't make vacation plans, school plans, we ask her for permission to take them to visit relatives a couple of hours away. She always saids yes it's never been an issue. But yet she gets to make the decision. Our court date is set for a week from today. We spoke to two attorneys and they both said that because the kids consider our home their home we have a good chance.

deleted_user 08/22/2011

hi Diana

First, welcome to the group. Your step daughter sounds a lot like a lot of other children on here. I know she sounds like mine. We've had out gc since birth and we always got the same thing from her.... I'm going to fight it. With everything we had on her and the loser so called father, we told them, "Go ahead and take us to court because the judge would be interested in knowing what you have and haven't been doing with regards to drugs and/or leaving your kids.

What I'm trying to say is, call their bluff but gently remind them over and over again what it is they will be losing. Then try to work with her and maybe come to an agreement to where you retain custody but she can have liberal visitations or something to that effect.

I don't think you are being greedy, but rather I think you are wanting to make sure the children are safe, healthy and happy.

SaraBT 08/22/2011

The first time we discussed taking over the grandchildren with Pinky, when she had only two, she would change her mind hourly. Of course, she was deep in the throes of her addiction then, so her thinking was completely muddled. One day she wanted us to raise them, the next she wanted to do it. We even discussed having the other grandmother raise them both, but our bottom line was that they could not be separated. I still have a diary from those years. We never knew if we were coming or going.

It wasn't until Pinky took off for the weekend, leaving the three kids with her then-boyfriend, that we got them. He called my husband and said he had to go to work, would my husband come and get them? The boyfriend had everything packed and ready -- within an hour and a half we were parents again.

Once the kids were out of her way, Pinky probably felt relief. Now she could party like Casey Anthony, but at least she knew where the kids were.

Your daughter may put you through the same roller coaster ride, but if she has a moment of clarity she may realize what is best.

daisydduck 08/23/2011

u have carefully researched and made this decision as the best for your gc. Stand strong. Society tries to put blame on us as grandparents whenever we speak out for our gc and that is wrong. It is also intimidating to most of us. Don't be intimidated by your daughter or anyone else. You can always find critics. When our daughter was diagnosed w/terminal brain cancer, we fought back and found a program that was having a 70% success rate. She went through nine months of extensive chemotherapy but sadly she fell into the 30% that it did not help. At her funeral, people actually came up to me and asked if I regretted putting her through all that! I answered: "Of course not! She wanted to survive and she fought with all her might. The program gave her one year more than they said she had and during that year she was able to bond with her newborn son. She gave him the basics that only motherly love could give, and she was happy for that. Point is: you are doing what is right. Trust in God that it w/go smoothly.You have many praying for your success here on ds, including me.

dianaconroy 08/23/2011

Daisy, thank you so much for taking the time to send me a message. I'm really sorry about your daughter. I think you're right in that as painful as this decision was, it's the right thing. How can fighting for for your life or a life be wrong. Unfortunately things aren't going as smooth as I would like. The father is refusing to be served, and is hiding out. We can't go to court without first serving him. The mother (my step daughter), swears she will get all the help she can through her social workers to fight us for the kids, we've raised for the last 4 years. When we told her we filed for gaurdianship she kept saying she would lose everything her housing, food, benefits. She did mention that she would fight for the kids, but I have to believe that is only because they are tied directly to her income.

deleted_user 08/23/2011

We got our gs from filing for temp guardianship. When we went to court she admitted to drug use and the judge granted us temp gship. That was 4 yrs ago and she has never tried to get him back. Good luck.

dianaconroy 08/23/2011

Thank you, unfortunately I don't think my step daughter would ever admit to anything. The kids have been living with us for 4 years so we have time in our hands. Let's hope that time prevails.

daisydduck 08/23/2011

Google serving a summons. We have been suing our previous landlord for our deposit and he pulled the same thing. We had three attempts made by sheriff deputies and three more by private eye we hired. What I found out was that the court can serve the summons via mail. Now, I'm not sure this can be used regarding child custody but it's worth looking up. There are also tips on who to hire to serve. Some of these guys are pretty clever. Secondly, if your gc have lived with you for past four years, tell you dd you are going to the same social workers to report she has been accepting benefits and not spending a penny on the children. My sil kept accepting ss benefits on our daughter after we were granted custody of gs. I called ss and they sent us a check for back benefits and went after him to pay back what he had accepted and not spent on the child. It's true we have to stop letting them intimidate us. You could also tell her you will sue her for those benefits if she doesn't back off. I believe money is a bigger motivator for many of these parents than the kids are.

lisadawn7193 08/24/2011

We have had our GD since she was born...in Illinois grandparents do not have rights..can you believe that..anyway we put a guardianship in place before she was born...but in most state this paperwork is not worth much. In IL if the mom can show one day a year that she is fit they will turn the child back over to her. this is so crazy..anyway you might ask your attn what the laws are in your state. We have to go for custody in order to keep her safe...It is kinda funny that we are the ones taking care of these children and yet the courts think that the mom (most of them that cannot get it together) deserves custody..the funny part to that is then, the mom comes back to us for help..makes no sense. I wish you the best of luck and will keep your family in our prayers...

Bonkers2 08/29/2011

Is today your court case Diana??? Please let us know how it turns out and I am wishing the best for you. We are guardians of our 2 GC and I used to jump every time ex dil said anything. I don't jump any more and everything is better and I am not worrying all the time. Let go and Let God is what I am working on.

dianaconroy 08/30/2011

Bonkers - Monday was supposed to be my court date, but the bio father kept ditching us and we could not meet the deadline for serving him so we had to move the date to this Friday. Will keep you posted.

deleted_user 09/02/2011

Have been away from the group most of the summer. Just read your story and it brings back all the emotions I had the day we went to court. I'll be thinking about you and your situation today.

dianaconroy 09/02/2011

Well today was a disappointment. I thought it was our court date but it turns out it was a request for temporary guardianship, but we didn't see a judge. Apparently the paperwork get's taken to a judge and he reviews it and makes his decision, then a clerk comes out to give us the news. Has anyone been through this before?. He decided against it and requires a hearing. I'm confused and disappointed. This kids have lived with us since they were 5 months and 1 month. Now our hearing date is September 30, I want to be prepared.

deleted_user 09/03/2011

Hi Diana, have you requested a guardian at litem? This person is supose to be an attorney for the children. Sometimes the court will appoint one. They will check on parents and report back to the judge. If they do not show up for their meetings then all that gets put into a report and most of them can see through all the bs that they are given. If you can't get a judge to listen to you at least there will be someone to speak for the kids. We never went to court for our guardianship we had the paper work and told them to sign it or we would find them unfit and all there bad behavior would be brought up in court. Also they had no home and at the time neither had a job. If I am going to raise him then I needed a legal right to get the necessary things done. (doctors, school, etc..) We just stated the facts to both of them the ones they could not dispute. Just wanted to put that thought out there. If they won't listen to you they have to an officer of the court.

dianaconroy 09/03/2011

HI Barb.

thanks for your response. We have an attorney representing us, and he filed for a temporary guardianship until the general guardianship can be heard. They denied the temporary which now has worried about the general. Our attorney assured us that just because the temporary was denied doesn't mean the general will be denied. I'm sick over it. Of course my stepD was jumping up for joy.

daisydduck 09/03/2011

We were called into judge's chamber for meeting and he compromised with temp visitation for us at the time. It was not what we hoped for but we took what we could get. We did then record visitations (audio only) though we knew we might not be able to use in court. At lease when lawyer's heard gs's words, they were more attentive to our cause and could repeat some of it in the court so judge would know. I have to give advise to anyone in these circumstances that it was made vividly clear that we would probably not get custody and were warned to follow the judge's instructions to a T, which we did. It was very hard but the waiting paid off when whacko stepmom played some of her tricks which were against judge's orders. She even got media involved and staged a kidnapping with gs. Result was gs was removed from their home and we were given custody. I know it is very hard to do and absolutely not fair to gp or the children, but sometimes you have to lose a battle to win the war. Be strong and keep on your lawyer's case as they are the ones who can speak to judge.

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