Grandparents Raising Children Support Group
This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.
The thread below started me thinking, and I thought i'd start a new thread.
Several years ago we thought we'd have to take the older two girls when my husband's daughter wasn't sure where she wanted to live -- TX or NJ. I went on a grandparents-raising-grandchildren website then and all I heard was "oh, you'll love it!" and "isn't that wonderful!" I didn't want to hear that at all. I was miserable, my husband was miserable, and I wanted to find a way out.
Flash forward to four years ago, when (I believe) God put us in a position where we had absolutely no excuses to refuse what were now three little children. I was miserable, my husband was miserable, and we wanted a way out. But we do believe God hemmed us in. My husband was retired and I had gotten a fabulous full-time job after 23 years of freelance writing at home, so the money was coming in.
I found this site, and I was able to complain, whine, get angry, be resentful, etc. I discovered that there were so many others like me who did not want to do this at all.
Gradually the kids got older a more independent, but I still hated it. My whole department got laid off, but we all got a terrific severance. I decided to go back to freelancing so I could be home more with the kids. But I still hated it.
Then one night I asked God to change my heart. I knew I couldn't wallow in my attitude any longer, but I couldn't change the way I felt. I'd tried so many times, but it didn't work.
Within about two weeks I noticed something: I was starting to enjoy my responsibilities! I enrolled the girls in Girl Scouts, started taking them to events, signed them up for camp, started riding herd on them after school to do their homework, etc.
Now I wouldn't give them up for the world! I'm actually starting to like my chaotic, crazy, unpredictable life. My old friends, the brie 'n' cheese set, seem so....lonely to me!
I thank all of you who let me be "me" as I worked through the anger, despair, resentment, and other negative feelings.
I still can't stand the thought of my husband's daughter, but I'll ask God about that next. (I still enjoyi despising her too much -HAHAHAHAHA!) Actually, as I said in the other thread, it was letting her go completely that freed my husband and me to focus on the kids and see the results of our love for them.
To those of you who were where I was, let me tell you -- if I could get used to this and learn to love it, you can, too. It took me four years, it may take you 10. But once you "come out the other side" you'll feel such a weight lifted off your shoulders.
Several years ago we thought we'd have to take the older two girls when my husband's daughter wasn't sure where she wanted to live -- TX or NJ. I went on a grandparents-raising-grandchildren website then and all I heard was "oh, you'll love it!" and "isn't that wonderful!" I didn't want to hear that at all. I was miserable, my husband was miserable, and I wanted to find a way out.
Flash forward to four years ago, when (I believe) God put us in a position where we had absolutely no excuses to refuse what were now three little children. I was miserable, my husband was miserable, and we wanted a way out. But we do believe God hemmed us in. My husband was retired and I had gotten a fabulous full-time job after 23 years of freelance writing at home, so the money was coming in.
I found this site, and I was able to complain, whine, get angry, be resentful, etc. I discovered that there were so many others like me who did not want to do this at all.
Gradually the kids got older a more independent, but I still hated it. My whole department got laid off, but we all got a terrific severance. I decided to go back to freelancing so I could be home more with the kids. But I still hated it.
Then one night I asked God to change my heart. I knew I couldn't wallow in my attitude any longer, but I couldn't change the way I felt. I'd tried so many times, but it didn't work.
Within about two weeks I noticed something: I was starting to enjoy my responsibilities! I enrolled the girls in Girl Scouts, started taking them to events, signed them up for camp, started riding herd on them after school to do their homework, etc.
Now I wouldn't give them up for the world! I'm actually starting to like my chaotic, crazy, unpredictable life. My old friends, the brie 'n' cheese set, seem so....lonely to me!
I thank all of you who let me be "me" as I worked through the anger, despair, resentment, and other negative feelings.
I still can't stand the thought of my husband's daughter, but I'll ask God about that next. (I still enjoyi despising her too much -HAHAHAHAHA!) Actually, as I said in the other thread, it was letting her go completely that freed my husband and me to focus on the kids and see the results of our love for them.
To those of you who were where I was, let me tell you -- if I could get used to this and learn to love it, you can, too. It took me four years, it may take you 10. But once you "come out the other side" you'll feel such a weight lifted off your shoulders.
Nothing helped -- and that kept going on and on.
So that's when I thought I would ask God, with sincerity (because I was tired of feeling so miserable) to change MY heart. The next morning was normal, and so were several days after that.
It was almost as if it took a week or so for God's answer to reach me :-) One day it just happened, through absolutely no effort on my part, which is why I believe that it came directly from God.
The mystery is the week. However, there is a passage in the Old Testament that describes an angel taking a long time to get back to someone because he had to fight with demons. So who knows what's going on out there? I'm just glad God answered my prayer! :-)
"...your words were heard, and I have come in response to them. But the prince of the Persian kingdom resisted me twenty-one days...Now I have come to explain..."
Hi sara
Im sure you remember my topic to you a while back (SaraBT) well I dont know when you ask God to change your heart but I must say I have seen a BIG difference in your post in the past few weeks you seem much happier and less stressed Im really glad to hear you found peace in what you do
Lots of hugs Granna.
Thank you for you post!
Of course I still have moments when I hear of friends going out to dinner alone, and I wish my husband and I could do that more often. But now that we can't, it's even more special on the rare times that we can go out and enjoy an "adult night."
Some of it, too, is because my husband's daughter is no longer part of our lives or our family. I'm sure she'll visit again someday. She turns up like a bad penny. Just when you think she's gone -- her timing is perfect that way. But she's "gone" in my mind and my husband's, and that is what has made so much difference. Suddenly I think we realized, these are our kids forever.
But I still believe in the end, God did it :-)
Sarah, it's so totally awesome to read your post above. I am so glad to hear that you are happy raising your grands. I have to admit that even though sometimes you said some of the things you did directed at not wanting kids, I ALWAYS knew you wanted these children and were happy (in your own way) with what you were doing. I realized that with you, if you REALLY didn't want to be raising these children, you would've done something about it. I can read between the lines and that's how I knew in my heart you are raising them out of love.
Now, I have another question. I have read the posts here and the other posts about letting the resentment of the bio's go. I need to find out, how DO you let the resentment of the bio's go?
I mean I am happy to be raising these precious babies (it's pretty much all that makes me happy these days) and I absolutely love being with them. However, I just don't know how to let go of the resentment anymore. My resentment isn't towards the babies, but rather their useless parents. Everything I do in my life is pretty much for these babies. I decided a long time ago, that I will give them and show them love, happiness and caring and teach them right from wrong, since neither of their parents will. Nothing fills my heart with more joy than seeing them laugh and play and just be babies.
My husband's daughter is no longer going to "play Mommy" with the kids, and that is the bottom line.
Should she ever be permitted in our home again, I will remain in charge. She can play games with them, talk to them, etc. But she will no longer supervise their bathtime, no longer discipline them, nothing.
That alone as freed me to be their mom, since mom and dad are what my husband and I are and will be for the rest of the kids' lives.
I'm actually fine about her until she calls. Then I feel that teeth-gritting feeling, and I have to pick up the extension and listen in because she's such a liar, and will make promises to the kids that she will not keep.
So no, I still resent the heck out of her. Maybe one day I'll pray about it, but I feel so justified in resenting her that in some strange way it keeps me focused on the kids
That's really sick, isn't it? HAHAHAHAHA!