I have been off line for a couple of weeks and just now got back on.I will try to update you all on what is going on with me and try to catch up on all of you but please be patient with me it may take a while.

I guess the biggest thing that has happened is that not only am I estranged from my oldest daughter [the boys' mother] now I have also been told by my youngest son that he doesnt want me around him or my 2 year old grandson. I was invited and went to his son's birthday party in November.Before I even got out of the car my son said " Mom,when the inlaws get here with their friends dont drink any of the punch that one of them brings." I asked why not [I already figured out why but I wanted him to tell me himself] he said" well it has something in it for the adults." I went off!!! I asked him and the baby's mother if they really thought it was ok that people were going to be getting drunk at their 2 year old's birthday party.I told them that I didnt want my boys around a bunch of drunks and exactly what I thought of them all getting drunk at a baby's birthday,that it was supposed to be for the child not them.I also told him that if it was a party for an adult it would be different and I wouldnt say a word as long as that baby wasnt there.His room mate came in the house[already drunk] and started running his mouth and told me to leave if I didnt like it so as he owns the house I told my youngest daughter to put the boys in the car and after I told them all how I felt about the whole situation I left.I was so pissed that I was walking the floors when I got home!! My oldest son,Edward, called and and knew something was wrong and I ended up telling him what was going on and he ended up going and trying to talk to him they ended up argueing and my oldest left.Apparently as soon as he left John,my youngest called me and we argued again and he told me that if I tried to contact him or the baby again he would have me arrested.I really dont think he can unless he takes a restraining order against me but I have abided his wishes and have not called him or had any contact with my grandson in almost a month now. It surprises me that he hasnt called and asked me for something for the baby or cigarettes since neither him nor the mother work.I miss them both so much!!!!

My oldest daughter,Bonnie,[boys mother] has been calling me alot lately.She wants to talk to the boys but I havent let her so far.We have had some pretty good talks but some times we do end up argueing over her letting the baby girl be adopted to strangers and fighting me getting her.She has told me that she now knows she made a horrible mistake and keeps telling me she is sorry.I am having a really hard time forgiving her.Its not like she can correct her mistake now and everything will be ok.It will never be ok,my granddaughter is lost to me forever.I will never get over loosing her,the baby. I now truely know what it means to love someone so much but hate them at the same time.I do love her with everything in me but I just cant find a way to forgive what she has done.