Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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Husband leaving

GMJan
GMJan
I remarried in January after a whirlwind courtship to a man I dearly love. He said he would help me raise the granddaughters and got along good with them. We made plans for the future which included me retiring next year. We got along great (I thoiught) and even when we had issues we worked them out. He did not always agree with my parenting and did not like my gd who I have everyother weekend. The aunt made accusations against us, to us, not the law about spanking the girl. Neither of us ever did more than pop her behind so I don't know where that came from. He used that as an excuse to stay in the bedroom while she was there. He has health issues and I have to take him to all his doctor visits as he can't drive. This I did gladly and used up all my leave from work. I love him and accepted his limitations. He is unable to do much housework so that falls on me after I get home from work. He helped with the finances and told me daily how much I meant to him. Out of the blue yesterday he told me he didn't want to be married to me and he dsliked my gd who lives with us and hated the 5 year old who is there parttime. He said I was raising more drug addicts and I was a failure. He said, You can keep working til you die. I don't know what I did. I know he doesn't feel well but that is not my fault. I thought I had at least found a friend. We share the same interests and even completed each others sentences. He seems to be blaming my family for him wanting to leave. I am a good women, attend church and help others, I did not cset out to raise a drug addict daughter. Yes, I was like most here, I enabled her for years because of the kids but I have cut her off now. I have never used drugs and this culture still confounds me with the throwaway kids. Sorry to ramble, but i need some support to get through this. I feel like such a fool to have believed that anyone could love me and accept my situation. My husband will have to go into some sort of assisted living situation because of his service related mobility issues. I must really be awful for him to prefer someone who doesn't care for him to take care of his needs. Paige and I will go on and I will be strong for her. However, this is the person she had grown to love and call her grandpa. Another person has let this little girl down. Please pray for me and my girl.
SaraBT
SaraBT
I'm so sorry to hear that, Jan.

My first thought is to ask if he has recently been put on any new medications, or if the dosages have been adjusted. You'd didn't mention which health issues he has, but you may want to Google them and see if emotional changes are part of them.
Your courtship and marriage seems to have been good, and he was willing to help you with the grandchildren. This seems to be a sudden and unexpected change that's even blindsiding you!
I would definitely look into some medical reasons before giving up...
GMJan
GMJan
No new medications lately but he is on a lot of meds for pain related issues and he has been having ongoing stomach problems for some unfound reason. I think he is on too many meds from doctors who do not communicate about it. He canceled his appointment with the pain specialist yesterday and lied to me about it, said they canceled not him. I really don't know if he wants to leave me or maybe just die. He says he is tired. I can't stand to see him suffer but I am so lost at this time.
redheadfrog
redheadfrog
I would check with his doctor or at least speak with him about your concerns. Perhaps he's found out something new about his condition and doesn't want to burden you with it?
scgramma
scgramma
A friend of mine told me Hurt People Hurt People. Sounds like your husband is extremely depressed and feeling hopeless and feeling like hes not impotttant to you. Unfortunately he is taking it out on you . Is taking the other grand on weekends a requirement? I hope you and your spouse can talk it out.
scgramma
scgramma
I have to add that regardless of his issues verbally and emotionally abusi g you is unacceptable . If he does decide to leave , I pray God will give you strength and peace.
SaraBT
SaraBT
I agree with Redheadfrog - call his doctor and ask if something medical could be causing it. Such a sudden change doesn't seem like simply being tired of you!
GMJan
GMJan
Thank you all for your comments. I will try to contact his doctor tomorrow. I know he gets frustrated with his disability but I try to love him as he is. I knew he had these problems when we married and he knew about the girls. I want things to work out so ladies pray for me.
fortress
fortress
As scgramma says, he is abusive. Please do not feel it's about you - you are a good, lovable person and do not DESERVE this. I remember you posted something regarding him months ago which seemed to indicate a red flag for controlling, alienating and abusive behavior. He is causing you much self doubt and pain and I'm sorry for what you're going through. Please take care of YOU and GC.
Great2BAlive
Great2BAlive
I am so sorry for your sudden unexpected loss; I was happy for you when you made the big announcement in Januarysounds exactly what I dealt with and youre going to be numb for a while, before reality creeps in. You did ALL you could to love this man and it still wasnt enough; so dont blame yourself. Its also hard NOT to feel worthless after something like this, but consider all the time, love and energy that make you the person you really are inside. You deserve someone better, someone who this time will take care of YOU or at least meet you part wayHugs & Prayers ~D
daisydduck
daisydduck
Don't beat yourself up. If he handled things by hiding in the bedroom, it seems he was not committed to you. Having been married such a short time I'm not sure I would call his doctor but that is a personal decision. You know the changes you see. Everything that I have learned in psychology classes is that you have to love yourself before you can expect someone to love you. Many men are intimidated by strong women and let's face it, we are all strong women. We would not be here in these situations if we were not. For now, enjoy your granddaughters and let some time pass before you make any decisions. If he is committed to you, or there is a problem with meds, he will come back. If not, you are probably better off. I know it is tremendously painful and I hope you will find the friend you are looking for. Being too trusting is not a bad trait but it does set you up to be hurt. Take care and love yourself. You are a good woman!
GMJan
GMJan
This is an update. My husband has been sick all week and would not tell me what had happened before he became upset. Well, just to make conversation yesterday , I asked him if he had heard from one of his daughters. He looked upset and said he had. His 2nd wife had put him out and sold or stole all of his valuables when he was in the hospital for surgery on his leg. He was left homeless and his doctor got him into rehab until he could get back on his feet. It turned out she had planned this for month's before the scheduled surgery. She had divorced him before his leg healed, they lived in Oregon. This past Monday, Joe's daughter let it slip that she was aware of the ex's plan for at least 2 months before it happened. He asked her if the ex had given her the coin collections and other things he had had in a home safe for his grandsons. She refused to answer so he thinks the ex promised her things for her silence. He said the shock of his daughter's betrayal stunned him. He has apologized and said along with his health issues he felt like such a failure. Maybe we can work through this. I didn't deserve the way he treated me and I let him know. I love him and accept him with his disabilities. My grandchildren will always be my focus and he has to accept my burdens too. This may make no sense but we have all been betrayed by the ones who claim to love us. Thank you for all your support. God bless you.
daisydduck
daisydduck
Glad to hear there is a chance you can work things out. Working throuh this could make your relationship stronger.
Snippy
Snippy
All of his medications may be causing him some emotional issues. Even for that he must seek the help. Please do not feel you are the cause. I'm wondering if he is suffering from a manic state?
fortress
fortress
Agree with Snippy - do not feel responsible for his mistreatment.
gagagrandma
gagagrandma
I am sorry to hear about your situation and of course you need to take care of you physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually so you can stay strong and knowing it is about him and not you. Who you should call is a family therapist so you and the gc can have an open forum to make sure they know your husband is leaving not their fault and it does not change how much you love and care about them. Of course you need to remain strong for yourself, but keep in mind you are who keep them loved, safe, rooted and strong! Keep an open heart and keep them close inside, good things come to good people, and that's you.