My husband is starting to hide out, too. We have a huge finished basement where he has his own music studio. So he goes down there right after work and plays his guitar all evening. He comes up either just before the kids to go bed or right after, then we watch TV.

I think it's finally hitting him that this is not a temporary situation. I truly believe he thought we'd have the grandkids for a year or so, then give them back to Pinky and the rich, kind, Christian husband she would meet and marry.

He lives in a fantasy land :-) Now he's experiencing the fact that our marriage is nothing more than two people trying to cope with the needs and demands of three little kids. The family all said they would help, but once it became reality they're too busy with their own families to babysit, unless it's an absolute emergency. And this is my fault, but I "sceeve" the idea of hiring a stranger to babysit. I just can't bring myself to do it, so that one's on me.

Thank God I have my own work and hobbies, because otherwise I think I'd go insane. And I guess I should thank God that my husband has a hobby (music) that he does at home. Even if he isn't with us, he's in the house...

Jane, knowing what you are going through, you have every right to complain, and I'm glad you have ds to come and vent. However, one thing was pointed out to me. We are strong women. We are fighting for our families. We are not afraid to speak up. This can be threatening to men and to a relationship. I agree Sara that it is important to have to your own interests, but I think Janey is at a point in her life where she does not have time for her own interests. My husband and I argued about the same things for 25 years. Please quite smoking. I want you around so we can enjoy our elder years together. He smoked until he had a stroke at 49. Then our roles reversed. Then our roles reversed and I was only 44. I continued to work full time, cook, clean and do the laundry. I started my own business and worked more hours. My hubby who was raised as "Jesus Christ", took care of himself, period. My mother began to show signs of Alzheimer's so I took her in. Then it was my sick daughter, her husband and baby. My son didn't want to be bothered so was seldom home. My youngest daughter, like me, tried to be there for me and go to school, work etc. I finally looked at them all one day and realized that they each were doing something for themselves because they "deserved it". I realized my health was going down hill while I was running around taking care of everyone. My husband continued to smoke but his health overall was better than mine! I finally got the courage to say "that's it". When I heard "what's for dinner?" after working a long day, I responded "I don't know, did you plan anything?" My health improved, as well as my attitude. They survived and began to do their own laundry, help with dinner and cleaning. And btw Sara, since we reversed roles, I go to my office at night and go on ds while my hubby watches his ball games. I know both of you have younger gc and I did run myself ragged while my gs was younger, but there comes a time when you have to say "stop" and let them acknowledge the reality of life. I know you are both strong, competent women who could also use some support from the men in your lives. But you gotta decide what is worse, being alone or accepting them with their inadequacies. Actually, I totally enjoy my time alone in my office with my computer! I w/never have met either of you if I didn't!

Great post, DD!

Janie, I truly hope you and your husband are able to work out a compatible solution. I wish you could talk it through, but I know most men aren't able to talk about things. It would be the best, however. Could you try finding someone to watch the kids for just a few hours? I know it's next to impossible, but see if you could beg a favor from a friend. Make a great supper, dress nice in something your hubby likes, and after supper tell him you had this time because you love him, and you are concerned about your life together. Then listen to his side and give yours. Ask about his concerns, if any. Make it a quiet, pleasant atmosphere. Maybe something could get accomplished.

I don't know if this would work, but I would think it would be worth a try. I do know that complaining to hubby never works. :P

Maybe you could even have a list of things you feel he would be better at doing than you, and ask him to take over those responsibilities? Then ask for his input. What jobs would he like to take over to help? Don't give him the choice of helping or not, just of what jobs. ;) I know that is how some homeschoolers work a compromise.

I surely am not a good one to give advice on this subject, so take it with a grain of salt! :) Mull it over and see if any of it fits for you.

God Bless - we love you! :)

I blew up at hubby and told him that he needs to go to the party for my grandmother because with her health she might not be here next year for a party.I told him that she loves him and I know tha the does he too.I also told him what the dr had told us Tuesday when she had the heart attack," he could keep "patching" her heart but it was old and tired and was going to soon just quit".I hadn't told him that and he was very upset with me for not telling him.Any way after I went off on him I went and had myself a good cry and then went back to him and appoligized and sat down and calmly told him that I need him with me because tomorrow is going to be very hard for me,knowing that I will soon loose her.He said that he didn't realalize how important it was to me and he had thought over what I had said and I was right he did need to go and that he really did want to {I said I didn't want him to go just because i was mad at him}
He told me that the only reason he didn't wan to go was because my sister might be there andhe didn't want to be around her. He is very upset with her because she is on drugs and abandoned her kids on my mom.I explained to him that Iam not going to let what she might or probably won't do make us miss out on family time.

Any way we have worked this time out .I will wait and see what happens the next time something like this comes up.

DD that is some great insight, what I wouldn't give for 1 whole day alone with my husband, just to talk, walk, or do nothing. Everything we do is with the kids or about the kids, I think we had more freedom with our own kids than we do the grands and I was never one to leave them anywhere for longer than a few hours. They were closer in age and my parents were younger and would keep them for us. Now all of my brothers and sisters either have their own kids or they are so mad at my dd that they don't volunteer to watch the kids for us and I won't ask.

Ravens, I second that -- heartily!

Janey, I'm so proud of you. In the short time I have known you, I have seen you grow so much! You're a strong lady!

I can relate to what you're going through. My BF doesn't want to be around my son at all because he feels like he dumped my GS and parenting responsibilities on m & I think he blames him because our engagement ended up being called off; even though it was he who said he just "couldn't do it" (marry me and raise my GS with me). It makes it very hard to enjoy any family time at all. We called off our wedding last year & since we've been back 2gether, I've gone to several family functions and just not invited him. He also doesn't like being around some of my relatives who tend to drink a little too much and get silly. The hardest part, though, is his total dislike of my son. I doubt we'll ever get married because I don't ever see him forgiving my son. Even though my son has been off drugs for over 6 months now and is following his plan and going to all of his groups and counselling and everything, my BF still doesn't want anything to do with him and never asks me how he's doing. If I bring up my son, he changes the subject or just makes no comment. How do you make a husband/wife relationship with someone who wants absolutely nothing to do with your son? While I understand the resentment, I just don't think he understands how very hard it is on me that he can't forgive. We both attend church together on a regular basis and he goes to men's bible study. With the exception of our break-up about a year ago for 4 months, we've been together for almost 9 years, but I'll be very surprised if we ever make it down the aisle. It just seems easier to do things separately and not ask him to be there "for me" because having him there with his negative feelings is harder than not having him there at all. He likes doing things with his own kids, though, and I always go to all of his family functions.

I have to admit that if I had it to do over again I would not have married any man with three pre-adolescents.

I also think that if I had met my husband when Pinky was popping out babies and doing drugs I would not have married him. Knowing that I'd end up with the kids (which I did, but I was already married), I would have run away as fast as I could.

But we did get married and we take our vows seriously, so I'm stuck with this situation, which includes disliking his daughter immensely.

Somehow we'll get through it....

See, Sara, you help me to see another side of this, & while I don't blame my BF for feeling the way he does, it just makes it so very hard for me. My BF is very good to my GS, and for that I'm very thankful. He's really overall a positive influence in my GS's life and when we were broken up, I know my GS missed him, and vice versa. He calls him PawPaw even though we don't live together and aren't married. We spend weekends together and one or 2 evenings during the week for a couple of hours. I know I have alot of baggage. I guess if he's willing to stay with me in a relationship and give up the desire he had for marriage, I shouldn't complain. I just hate the idea of always having to lead 2 separate lives. One with him, and a totally separate one when it comes to anything having to do with my son. I'm sure he has felt just like you, thinking he should just run the other way.

You know Sara, I think you had gained independence and were at a point to make decisions like that and live by them. For me, and I'm sure many others, I was not self sufficient when I met my husband. I refer to it as my "wifypooh" period when I had to check with my husband before I could do anything. 24 years when he became disabled, everything was dumped in my lap and I grew quickly because I had to. Now, I could probably make that kind of decisions you speak of because I have learned to trust in me. Yes, we take our vows seriously and it guess it comes down to the "for better or for worse". Not long ago my husband told me I was not the sweet little girl he married. I responded that no, I am not and thank God I am not or we w/be living on the street. We don't always grow at the same pace and it seems like many men feel they don't have to grow as their mothers told them they were perfect!

That's so funny, Daisy -- because I'm not the sweet girl my husband married anymore, either - LOL! I've morphed into a "Mom" who is so distracted by the demands of three little kids that I can't be there for him as much as I would like to.

I think my husband feels some guilt, since it is his daughter who's caused us all of this aggravation. I know when my mom was living with us, I felt a bit guilty because of the pressure it put on my husband. He was wonderful about having her, though, so I feel I need to be more generous with the kids.

In some ways the kids are better, because they're moving toward independence, while my mother was heading the other way.

I just think guys want to "fix" everything and when they can't, they get frustrated and just withdraw. Maybe that's why almost all of us are women!

I know I feel a certain amount of guilt because it's my son who had the drug addiction and made terrible choices that led to me getting my GS full-time. I've thought about how I could've/should've done things differently. I have certain amounts of guilt for becoming so wrapped up in my relationship with my BF that I wasn't home much to deal with the kids & their issues, too. I can only go from here, though, and try to do what's best for my GS as he is the only child in this whole situation without a voice of his own. As I've said before, I have an extra measure of respect for the parents on here who have taken on their spouse's grandchildren.