Grandparents Raising Children Support Group
This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.
I haven't been on in awhile. My Mom passed away on Jan 31st. I flew into NC on the red eye on 30th so I could get into NC at 6am on the 31st. I was able to spend her last moments on earth with her as she passed at 2pm.
I was telling my Mother a memory I had of when I was young and how it was on a warm summer night. She had given us girls our baths and we were in our baby doll PJ. Dad and Mom were sitting on the front as we girls were tumbling in the grass. Mom said it was time for us to go to bed, and as all children I pleaded for one more time... Please just one more, my Dad remembered this moment and replied back ...Just one more. My mother passed peacefully.
Being the eldest of the girls I spent six days preparing for and having her funeral. I've never had to do this before and without her guiding me I don't think I would have been able to pull everything and everyone together including my Father. My Mother had her burial plot and a small life insurance which didn't cover the cost as much as I tried to stay in budget for my Father who has little money and is ill as well. I did however get to give her a blue eternal bed (her favorite color) flowers from all us kids, Grand-children and Great-grandchildren. The hardest was taking my Dad down to the florist so he could pick out the last bouquet of flowers for his wife of 58 years. I walked in my Mothers shoes those six days and believe me she left some big shoes to fill! I looked up onto heaven and I told my Mother Thank you for being my Mother, however this is why I choose to be cremated and I'm happy Daddy has chosen to be cremated as well! I can hear her now laughing and saying oh Tammie and throwing her hand to swish me away.
This is the first time I have been able to put into words the events that took place and some of how I feel. I just wanted to come home!
When I got home I was greeted by my friend who couldn't wait to tell me how my 12 1/2 year old GD who I have custody of acted unruly for these six days. I hugged the kids sent them to bed and apologized for my GD actions and Thanked my friend for her assisting us during my time away. I wanted to go to bed, I didn't want to feel anything except my pillow and my bed. Since I returned I have noticed a change in my GD, moody, grumpy, disrespectful. I thought maybe it's her way of grieving and asked her several times if she wanted to talk. All I got was a total ditch and I'd let it go except for any disrespect portion.
I've noticed my GD was on her phone texting more than she use to. Come to find out she was texting her Dad who she is not allowed to text or have contact with. Needless to say $h!t hit the fan yesterday. See last month I put a security block on her phone so she could only receive and send calls from her contact list. Verizon told me the only thing they couldn't block was text. She found the work around and so did her Dad.
When I confronted my GD with this she stood up to me in a threatening manner. She told me she hates me and everything her Dad said about me is right. We were in her bedroom next to her bed. I told her if she was going to act like a child she was going to be treated like one, so lay down take a nap and maybe when you wakes up you will get out of bed on the right side for a change. My GD told me to shut up and get out of her room. Needless to say it got ugly and I slapped her across the face. I walked out of her room and closed the door. I called my husband and told him what was said and done. When my husband came home we had a conversation with each other and then with our GD.
My husband told our GD who was the boss in the house and just because we don't give a reason as to why somethings she isn't allowed to do doesn't mean there isn't a good reason. We explained to her we have been protecting her for years. My husband came right out and told our GD that her Dad is a Dick and is playing her, and if he wasn't playing her and wanting a relationship why hasn't he gone to the courts and asked for visits or custody, he has taken us to court several times so he knows the court system?
I told my GD that her father is my first born child and that I love him very much, but I don't respect him for tossing her away the way he did all these years even after the DNA test proved positive she is his. My husband explained to her most of the stuff she was hearing was stuff we kept from her so she wouldn't get her feeling hurt but now it was time to know some of the past.
My GD stated about her mother wants custody of her and how my GD wants to go live with her Mom. My husband blurted out. Your mother needs to get off her fat A$$ and get a job and get a place to make a home for you so she can take care of you... I thought I was going to die! Then my husband calmed down and told GD. We work hard to give you not only what you need but some of the things you want. We didn't grow into our 50's thinking we were going to raise three children, but that's what life handed us and we love you and the other two so much we're willing to making it happen. We have been your parents most of your life, just because we have the names Grandma and Grandpa doesn't make us less of a parent to you.
Our GD started to cry. GD first words were I'm sorry, you both do a lot for me and I should be more appreciative... Afterwards the talking and understanding began.
I'm sitting here typing and eating from a box of chocolates my husband gave me for V-day. Based on everything that has been happening with me and us I didn't take the time out to go to the store and purchase not even a card for the love of my life. Did I screw up? YES do I feel guilty? NO
My husband knows I love him and show him more than just once a year my love for him. Do I think this was a bad V-Day? No. it might not have been a perfect day, but at the end of the day GD and us were hugging and loving each other. NOTE: GD doesn't have phone!
I was telling my Mother a memory I had of when I was young and how it was on a warm summer night. She had given us girls our baths and we were in our baby doll PJ. Dad and Mom were sitting on the front as we girls were tumbling in the grass. Mom said it was time for us to go to bed, and as all children I pleaded for one more time... Please just one more, my Dad remembered this moment and replied back ...Just one more. My mother passed peacefully.
Being the eldest of the girls I spent six days preparing for and having her funeral. I've never had to do this before and without her guiding me I don't think I would have been able to pull everything and everyone together including my Father. My Mother had her burial plot and a small life insurance which didn't cover the cost as much as I tried to stay in budget for my Father who has little money and is ill as well. I did however get to give her a blue eternal bed (her favorite color) flowers from all us kids, Grand-children and Great-grandchildren. The hardest was taking my Dad down to the florist so he could pick out the last bouquet of flowers for his wife of 58 years. I walked in my Mothers shoes those six days and believe me she left some big shoes to fill! I looked up onto heaven and I told my Mother Thank you for being my Mother, however this is why I choose to be cremated and I'm happy Daddy has chosen to be cremated as well! I can hear her now laughing and saying oh Tammie and throwing her hand to swish me away.
This is the first time I have been able to put into words the events that took place and some of how I feel. I just wanted to come home!
When I got home I was greeted by my friend who couldn't wait to tell me how my 12 1/2 year old GD who I have custody of acted unruly for these six days. I hugged the kids sent them to bed and apologized for my GD actions and Thanked my friend for her assisting us during my time away. I wanted to go to bed, I didn't want to feel anything except my pillow and my bed. Since I returned I have noticed a change in my GD, moody, grumpy, disrespectful. I thought maybe it's her way of grieving and asked her several times if she wanted to talk. All I got was a total ditch and I'd let it go except for any disrespect portion.
I've noticed my GD was on her phone texting more than she use to. Come to find out she was texting her Dad who she is not allowed to text or have contact with. Needless to say $h!t hit the fan yesterday. See last month I put a security block on her phone so she could only receive and send calls from her contact list. Verizon told me the only thing they couldn't block was text. She found the work around and so did her Dad.
When I confronted my GD with this she stood up to me in a threatening manner. She told me she hates me and everything her Dad said about me is right. We were in her bedroom next to her bed. I told her if she was going to act like a child she was going to be treated like one, so lay down take a nap and maybe when you wakes up you will get out of bed on the right side for a change. My GD told me to shut up and get out of her room. Needless to say it got ugly and I slapped her across the face. I walked out of her room and closed the door. I called my husband and told him what was said and done. When my husband came home we had a conversation with each other and then with our GD.
My husband told our GD who was the boss in the house and just because we don't give a reason as to why somethings she isn't allowed to do doesn't mean there isn't a good reason. We explained to her we have been protecting her for years. My husband came right out and told our GD that her Dad is a Dick and is playing her, and if he wasn't playing her and wanting a relationship why hasn't he gone to the courts and asked for visits or custody, he has taken us to court several times so he knows the court system?
I told my GD that her father is my first born child and that I love him very much, but I don't respect him for tossing her away the way he did all these years even after the DNA test proved positive she is his. My husband explained to her most of the stuff she was hearing was stuff we kept from her so she wouldn't get her feeling hurt but now it was time to know some of the past.
My GD stated about her mother wants custody of her and how my GD wants to go live with her Mom. My husband blurted out. Your mother needs to get off her fat A$$ and get a job and get a place to make a home for you so she can take care of you... I thought I was going to die! Then my husband calmed down and told GD. We work hard to give you not only what you need but some of the things you want. We didn't grow into our 50's thinking we were going to raise three children, but that's what life handed us and we love you and the other two so much we're willing to making it happen. We have been your parents most of your life, just because we have the names Grandma and Grandpa doesn't make us less of a parent to you.
Our GD started to cry. GD first words were I'm sorry, you both do a lot for me and I should be more appreciative... Afterwards the talking and understanding began.
I'm sitting here typing and eating from a box of chocolates my husband gave me for V-day. Based on everything that has been happening with me and us I didn't take the time out to go to the store and purchase not even a card for the love of my life. Did I screw up? YES do I feel guilty? NO
My husband knows I love him and show him more than just once a year my love for him. Do I think this was a bad V-Day? No. it might not have been a perfect day, but at the end of the day GD and us were hugging and loving each other. NOTE: GD doesn't have phone!
My husband was looking out the window and saw her running in our woods with a strange boy. I didn't see him, but I went outside and asked her who he was (he was gone by then). She denied that anyone was with her. My husband and I flipped out on her for lying, sent her to her room, etc.
After I had calmed down I went to her and asked if we had ever told her she couldn't have a boy "friend." She said "no," so I asked why she lied about him. I go the usual "I don't know" answer, so I sort of did what you did.
I said "Pop and I are freaked out that you three will go the same way your mother did, and it all started with lies!!!" Then I proceeded to tell her that those lies led to drugs, which led to all sorts of bad behavior. I told her about her uncle and me walking the streets of Philly at 3am, looking for Pinky. How we had her in rehabs, how she kept running off with drug dealers and lying to us. I said, "and where is she now? Playing Mommy every weekend. She doesn't even have her own children!"
My granddaughter started crying, just as yours did, but she wouldn't talk about it. We, too, took her cell phone away as punishment for lying to us. I refused to demand an apology, because I wanted it to be sincere, if it ever came.
About a week later my husband and I both got the sweetest letters. She told us how she understood what was going on, and how she loved us so much and realized that her lying was wrong. She also said that she knew just how much we're doing for her, etc. etc. We both ended up the same way you did, hugging and kissing each other.
Puts us through the wringer, but I hope they're beginning to see what they mean to us...and us to them!
Your husband sounds like a good man. I really dread the teen years but you all have given me hope. I kind of avoid talking about their parents but I think you have taken the right approach with being straight forward. I think I'll do that from here on out.
No she doesn't have her phone back, and she isn't allowed to use the house phone either. We never gave her a time frame, my husband told her it's when he feels she can have it back.
I wish I could put an order of protection on my son. The problem is it's not good until they are served and we can't afford a server to go looking for him. Right now my son is saying they moved to NYC. based on the text he sent to GD. We can change her phone number, place the lock, but then again she is a teen and I'm sure she has his number memorized by now.
Gmawilli: Your GS will know how much you love him and what you sacrificed to give him a safe, loving home to live in. You didn't fail your children... They failed themselves! We are human and we do the best we can with the tools that are given to us. There comes a time when you have to understand that children grow up, they make their own decisions and either reap the consequences or bath in the rewards. What our GC receive from us that their parents didn't is our wisdom and that my friend will take you far in raising your GS.