Hi, CJfern!

In Al-Anon, we learned that substance abuse is substance abuse - whether it's drugs or alcohol makes no difference. Pinky is a druggie, and technically is not an alcoholic in the sense that she never drank morning to night, or even binge-drank. However, alcohol was a gateway for her into drug use.

When someone gets sober they have to give it ALL up. In any case, we won't allow Pinky to be around the kids if she's impaired in any way. She isn't allowed to drink alcohol in our house at all - even if other guests have beer or wine.

I have two situations...

One my GS... for the MOST part we have a good relationship with BOTH bios... have ever only had a couple of issues. Visits are totally at my discretion...

two we have FM (family member)... bio is only granted supervised visits at my discretion.

1. For both I have this rule... IF you show up and are under ANY kind of influence drug /alcohol you will be asked to leave or I will call the police and have you removed.

2. If there is any feeling of comfortable feeling by me of the kids we leave or I ask you to leave.

I don't know how much control you have over it but I think if I were you I would tell you she will need to be sober for thirty days before I would schedule a visit. Otherwise how long will she actually be a part of their life before she disappears into a drunken stooper.

anything they use in excess that alters or changes their ability to function normally is an addiction for an addict. Often they will replace one thing with another. We learned that a drug is a drug is a drug-be it perscription, illegal, legal or alcohol. Anything else is splitting hairs.

I think it would be helpful for you to look up substance abuse personality disorder. Perhaps you recently heard about the football coach in PA that tried to use the defense that he suffered from histrionic personality disorder. The substance abuse is probably connected to something else. I can't say you will get answers but it may help you to understand why your daughter can't just get over it.

I had to tell my son this past week end that he can not drink while at my house visiting the kids. His previous weekend visit he got drunk, and might as well have stayed away, he was totally uninvolved with the his kids. He has replaced one addiction for another also.
Right now they have supervised visits at my house and why the judge thought i could have sense of a stable home and routine when she set the temp visitation at every other weekend and then 4 week nights for 2 hours I have either nutcase mom or dad at my house. Every other weekend mom can get them if her mother comes with her and supervises her visits. But so far that hasn't happened but once. Hoping when we go back to court we can get that changed if the kids stay with us. Besides I don't really like either of them right now.
I told my husband tonight that I think I am going to tell them that on the week nights they visit they have to either bring dinner or the making for dinner and cook and have dinner with the kids and then clean up.

I had very specific rules for visitation set forth in the custody papers that both parents signed. They can not be under the influence of any illicit drugs or alcohol when they come to visit and they both MUST remain on their mental health medications. Bio dad can come 1 time per month on a Saturday that I do not work and mom can come every other Sunday from 8-4. Both must provide their own transportation to and from visits. If I suspect that either of them are under the influence of anything I can demand a drug test. If it is positive all visits are suspended until they complete a rehab program and a judge orders visits to resume. Neither parent is allowed to talk about GD moving back with them and they are not to mention any kind of plans to her at all, not even that they are going to come visit. Neither can talk about the other in her presence either.

Since December when we got custody I think mom has come 3-4 times to visit and dad not a single time.

Daisy is very correct in that many people with underlying mental health issues or personality disorders use drugs and alcohol to self medicate in order to deal with the symptoms. Unfortunately it makes the treatment of any addiction and the mental health issues that much harder to get on track.

BTW Granmato2 I love the idea of them having to bring food and cook and clean up!

Ok, so nutcase mom is suppose have her weekend visits supervised by her even nuttier mother. Who has been basically uninvolved in kids life except to give money and buy stuff at Christmas and birthdays. She lives her won life and really doesn't want to be bothered with kids. So, as I suspected would happen, the past two times that nutcase mom was suppose to get them for weekend, her mom is not available. So she calls asked if she could spend the weekend at my house with the kids! really!? I was speechless and that doesn't happen often, trust me. There is no way in the world I would trust her in my house with me asleep. She would probably try to kill me. She has accused me of all kinds of crap and bad mouthed me to my grands and now she wants me to let her spend the weekend......NO FLIPPIN' WAY! She just amazes me sometimes really.

OMG, I thought I was the only one who's ex in law asked for things like that. My me
th head ex SIL wanted me to drive 120 miles round trip to go pick him up and let him stay with us for the weekend and then drive him back home. He even once asked to come stay a couple of weeks. Not on your life!!!!

No, you are not alone....she has a new approach this week. She is being really nice, which makes me really believe she is up to something that is not good. Her mama hired her a new attorney cause it was the last attorneys fault that she lost the kids. So I figure he says you better play nice with the old lady that has your kids. Yet the 500.00 a month in Food Stamps she gets has yet to provide any groceries for her kids at my house. Her mama bought the kids clothes and DNL says I am just going to keep them at my house for when they come back to live with me. Oh, this is the house I am in the process of evicting her from!
Her latest was to try and have people that I am aquinted with from years ago through church, be her alternate supervisors. I am sure if we retain custody once schools starts it will get much better! But, hopefully we will have papers so that things aren't so crazy.