I don't know why, but they always want their mommies...they know you're always there for them, but you're not mommy. The little ones are too young to see actions above words...and the parent acting like they miss them and poor me just makes the little ones feel guilty, like they've done something wrong. It takes maturity and time for them to be able to see clearly what the situation is...and somehow I think it is instinct to want parent...my granddaughter cries for Mommy whenever she's upset but it's me that she's hugging and looking to for comfort.

That's a hard one. Can mommy visit and keep her own emotions in check? She probably doesn't think anything is her fault, as my son and DIL don't. Any calls or visits will cause the grandchild to react emotionally and act out. It's so hard on the very little ones. They don't need all her guilt projected on them. We had to tell our DIL that it was too upsetting to the GD and took a very firm stand: either keep all the repeated "I love you and miss you" baloney out of all communications with the child or no more calls or visits. It helped for a while but we still have to periodically remind the DIL. Our GD only sees her Dad on major holidays and speaks to both bios on the phone once a month. We don't live near either one and that really helps. They can't come up with the $ or transportation to visit. Our GD's counselor recommended gong through legal processes to cut off all contact w/ the bios--that it was emotionally better for the child. I don't know how we are supposed to do that when the bio parents are our own kids and in spite of their messed up lives we still love them and keep some connection with them.

I had my lawyer write in the custody papers that there is no discussing any visits, changes in residence and all those "adult" issues with my GD. My daughter slips once in a while but having it in writing on the papers she signed voluntarily has helped.

I can't remember, were your grands placed with you by the state? If you have a case worker involved and a good relationship this might be worth discussing.

That being said, my GD still has those times whe she cries for "Mommy Krystal" and there's not much I can do. She knows "mommy Krystal" isn't there for her and can not be counted on but the emotional attachment is still there, even now that she decided to call me mommy. I just do my best to remain calm and comforting. I tell her "Mommy Krystal loves you very much but can't take care of you right now". It only gets tough when she asks "Why can't she take care of me?"

My 2yo gs also cries for "mommy" which drives me nuts as I've had him since he was 4 mths, and "mommy" has only seen him on and off for most of that time. She did live with us for 6 mths, but he still ran to Granny for everything. He does it cause his sister cries for mommy when she's being disciplined. Right now I'm not letting bio mom have any contact with them and it's helped.

I would put my foot down on her "goodbyes" and tell her all she needs to tell them is she'll be back next week for a visit, and if she can't simply leave it at that, then she doesn't need to visit. Is she calling them every day too? I would monitor the phone calls also to make sure she isn't spouting nonsense then also.

She cannot make promises to the kids that she can't keep. That is one problem I've had with my dd. Children just don't understand when you can't keep one.

I agree, the most heartbreaking thing in the world is listening to a child crying for someone who really doesn't care enough about them to be a parent. My 5yo's cry is "Why did she abandon us?" Tough to answer.

"She tells them she know they want to come home with her but can't this time, but she promises they will be able to soon. This goes on all day constantly"

She is doing this to somehow comfort herself, pat herself on the back , "Oh my kids miss me so much" and she needs their feedback, so she's agging it on. You'll NEVER get her to see it that way or to admit it, but that's exactly what she's doing. My son has done the same stupid crap. I know alot of my son's pain is genuine, but it's pain that he has brought upon himself and pain that only HE can make better, so it frustrates the heck out of me when he gets all weepy around me & the GS. When they cry as much or more than the child does, you know they have a serious problem with maturity. Bio mom is more mature, even though her drug use is as bad or worse. She kept herself composed at every visit and never did anything to try and push the GS towards emotional outbreaks. She encouraged him to come to me for permission for things and respected me as his parent in front of him. This made things easier for everyone. Of course, now she isn't visiting at all, but at least when she did, it went well.

I'd tell her the emotional drama has to stop and she has to make the visits pleasant or she will be asked to leave. She is doing emotional damage to those children.

Does anyone see "passive aggressive" here? Your dd is trying to hurt you by using her own children. We did have to go to court to silence the whacko stepmom who repeatedly blamed everything on us, including when she sold his favorite toys, she fought with his dad, and generally we were just bad. The court support us and told bio dad and her to stop putting the child in the middle. I think this is almost worse than physical abuse, playing with the children's minds. Since we had cared for our gs since birth, he begged bio dad to let him visit us. Bio dad threatened to hit him if he didn't stop asking that. It's so hurtful to us as the gm's as we give our love and are slapped in the face for doing so. The children don't understand. "Mommy" is the word used for the person that cares for them. Please don't take it personally and understand that they ask for mommy because that is what she has created in them, though it is sick for her to do so. I would speak with your dd without the children and explain your concerns about what she is doing and saying. Tell her she must stop saying those things to the children and if she does not you will have to report it as as emotional abuse. She'll probably get mad, but you are in charge of the children now and if dd is causing these problems, she needs to be stopped. My gs at age two asked me if I was him mom. "No, I"m your grandmom". Then he asked my younger daughter: "No, I'm your auntie". He was so confused. I gave him a simple explanation that he could handle: "your mom got sick and is in Heaven with Jesus". When bio dad moved out the stepmom started in on her tirades which only made it more confusing for gs. They say there is a hormonal relationship between birth mother and child for the first 18 months. By age 3/4, their character is fairly well developed. When this chain is broken, it causes problems for the children. Don't allow your daughter to intimidate you. Love to you and those babies.

GMa, you're so right! It's always about them, never about their children. Our eldest had such a bad cold she missed school Wednesday and Thursday. No fever, but she still had a very sore throat this morning (Sat.). I took her to the doctor - no strep, no tonsillitis, thank God. And it seems to be getting better.

But "Mommy" didn't even know she was sick, because she called on Tuesday and then again last night. And once she found out she was sick enough to miss school two days, you'd think she would have called this morning to check on her. Nope.

I'm off track! We told Pinky that the moment she started making those promises about coming "next week" or getting the kids to come live with her again, the phone call or visit would be cut short right that minute. We stuck to it, although once she started visiting every weekend she started in on that crapioli again.

I just tell them it is ok to miss mommy, I miss her too. But I'm always here. A hug a kiss and leave it at that. It may be that they are grieving the loss of her and can't verbalize it any better.

Sara is right, end the visit. We were very specific about what behavior is acceptable at visit and what isn't. My dd knows we are not kidding around either because it's for the protection of the kids...something she was unable to do herself....uuuggghh,