Sometimes, you have to pick your battles, especially with boys (at least in my opinion). I have always said that with teens, you need to let them know you love them and then hang on for the ride. However, my gs just turned 21 and it's been quite a ride. Perhaps it is good that they fear your husband because sometimes that is what they need is someone stronger than they think they are. I w/suggest you stick to your rules but on the small stuff, back off a little. If they won't pick up their shoes, Just keep a basket in the utility room and throw anything you find on the floor in there and let them sort it out when they need it. Warn them that if the basket gets full, you will put it all in a trash bag and it goes in the trash. Don't get angry or upset because you want to send the message that if they don't care, you don't care. I've done it a couple of times but it never went to trash because he knew I w/do it. If school grades are falling, tell them you are sorry to see that but they w/suffer more consequences than you will. You will not see immediate results but you will you need to stick with it. You have a lot on your shoulders but they need to know you mean business. If my gs won't dump garbage, I stack it in front of his door.....it's gone within the hour. I once took all of his guitars to my daughter's house and told him how he could earn them back, which he did. The important rule is to not get angry and always remind them that you love them but cannot tolerate this behavior. Enjoy the ride!

If it makes you feel any better at all, it's not because you're "not" their mother (which you actually are!!!). Teenaged boys are difficult - period!! They NEED strong male role models and they NEED to know there is a man in the house, or close by, who WILL rule over them. I speak from experience. I tried raising a teenaged boy by myself and did a miserable job of it. He wouldn't listen to me. He was rebellious, angry, and pig headed. His father was in prison. My brother - his Uncle - tried getting close to him and tried doing thing slike getting him on a hockey team, but my son resisted. Instead, my son turned to drugs and other rebellious teens. He found it easy to blame me for his problems. He is 23 and still does. I'm raising his 3 yo now. I agree with daisy about picking your battles and letting some of the little stuff go and also about letting them make mistakes and reap their own consequences. How much time do you have to spend alone with these 2 boys? Seems to me that you were just recently trying to get their grandpa to ease up a little and give them some more privleges. I would remind them that you are trying to give them more space, but you can back off and just let Grandpa have the firm and final decisions on everything and see how that works out for them.

How about homeschooling with them on the road with Gramps??? THAT sounds like the perfect solution to me!!

Thanks Daisy (I couldn't see your response here, but did get email) and GMWilli...I am relieved...I thought it was just because I'm not their mother..even though I am the parent.

I just received a call from one of the prinicpals at school that the youngest will be in detention for not being prepared for a class, disrupting a class, and not conforming to uniform policy by not having his shirt tucked in...I love it!

My husband works offshore two weeks out and two weeks home. Over the holdays he worked extra time out...which left me at home alone with the boys. So taking them with him is out of the question...but when he is home he does take over, which does give me a break, somewhat.

I do appreciate DS as a place to vent and to receive advise and encouragement...it helps to know that I am not the only one who is going through this...

Thanks, again!

I agree with the advice above -- I am DREADING the teenage years. I remember my husband's three kids. The boys were always respectful to me but didn't do anything I asked of them anyway :-) And of course there was Pinky...

They knew I loved them, though, and I was TOUGH! But as Daisy said, I chose my battles. The minor stuff I sometimes let go. But major things, never. And they never said "You're not my mom," so hopefully that wasn't a factor with me or with you.

I love teenagers, but I hate them as well. They are from another PLANET!!!!

My gs says his friends say that I w/be 105 and chasing them with a broom. HIs friends usually come in to talk with me and/or my husband. They know I w/be honest w/them and won't put up with anything. They know we have house rules and I've thrown a few out because they were not following the rules. my gs is the pied piper now and his friends come to him. If he can't help, he'll bring them to me and ask if I can help them. Don't get me wrong....I am not earth mother, but I can't see these kids out on the street. I helped his gf get a job as a live in nanny after her mother threw her out. My gs always comes back to me and says: "Thanks Mom for helping them". I even had a girl that was pregnant and was going to some clinic even though she had two caring parents with lots of money. She had a friend whose father was a ob/gyne so I recomnended she see him and assured her he w/maintain confidentally because that is the law. They need support and reassurance as they stumble through these difficult years.

I'm fortunate that my GS has been a very easy teen and since I raised two girls, I was thinking it was the difference between boys and girls - guess I'm wrong about that! His mother was my difficult one.

I don't know if this helps or not, but this helped ease tensions with my GS. Eventually they will want something - a ride, money, a friend to come over, whatever. I never nagged him or asked him to do something more than once. I told him what I wanted him to do, such as clean his room, and just waited. When he asked me for a ride someplace, I'd say "Sure, as soon as your room is clean." It didn't take long before he began each request with "My room is clean, so may I go to Chad's house?" No nagging, no conflict, just a simple reward for work done just like in the real world and very stress-free.

I am going through the same thing my 17 year old grandson acts like he dosent have to listen to me and im at my wits end...ive tried giving him chancr after chance..talking to him...nothing works...i feel so much pressure but the kids have no where but here.

I am in the same position. It went from aittle boy who told me he'd push me in my wheelchair when I got old to saying f... You, but still telling me he loves me. I feel like I'm just repeating my mistakes first time around. I have not been giving them a sence of responsibility.