Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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YAYA2kayla 04/08/2013

My 6 yr old gd has been in trouble at school (kinder) for 6 days straight now. Yelling, hitting, throwing things, you name it...Her teacher called me last Wed and the principle called on Fri. Her punishment is always the same, no tv, Ipad, computer,etc. She had a complete meltdown Fri nite. Screaming that she hates me, does not want to live with me, that I was "hurting " her life. It was a long painful weekend. Then on Sunday I was talking with my oldest daughter on the phone saying "kayci could live with her mom if she would get her act together and get rid of the S.O.B. she's married to". I heard Kayci say to me "I just heard what you said." Then I spent the next 2 hrs explaining to her why she can't live with Mommy. Her counselor told me that I need to tell the truth (in an age appropriate way) when she asked why. It is very hard to sugar coat that she was sexually assaulted by the same man that did it to her step-dad, and that he gave him access to her whenever he could. And by the way, Mommy would rather be with him than you. So, what I said was Pa Pa went to jail because he was touching children's private parts and that "daddy" helped him, so the Judge said you can not be around him ever again, because he did not protect you or the other children. She asked a lot of questions and I did my best and thought we were good. She understood that I do love her, but she had to be punished for getting in trouble at school. So, I go pick her up today and she was on red again for throwing an erasure across the room. OMG. Does anyone out there have any words of wisdom? She doesn't go to counselor until Wed.Not much gets solved in 45 minute sessions anyway. I am so afraid that I have forever damaged her because I didn't say the right things. Sorry this took so long to explain.

daisydduck 04/08/2013

You are doing the best you can and assuring your gd of your love for her is the most important thing you can do for her. It sounds to me like neither the counselor or the school is being supportive of you or your gd. However, I am only saying this based on your brief description tonight. Are you seeing a private therapist or one set by by family services? Either way I think you should push for more help. Your gd is expressing anger probably out of her frustration. It's so sad that a six year old has to face this. My recommendation is to call the school and set up a conference. If the child is acting out in school, they need to help you determine why. Keep strong. You are doing the right thing. God bless.

SaraBT 04/09/2013

I agree with Daisy -- just keep on showing her that you love her no matter what. I've read that molesters use "bad behavior" as an excuse to do what they do. And the child gets totally confused because they think they deserved the abuse, but they know they didn't, and eventually everything gets all jumbled in their little brains.

Does the counselor do play therapy with her? Often, that's a good way to find out what's going on...

dianaconroy 04/10/2013

When my kids ask for Thier "other mom" I validate how they feel. I'll say something like " I know, I miss her too". And then I ask them to tell me what They miss about her in that moment. What's interesting is that they go into talking about the toys they had at her house, then I'll ask "what do you miss about her" you're telling me about your toys. They stop and think for a minute probably can't think of anything g and then run off happily playing.

deleted_user 04/13/2013

My granddaughter is about the same age. She had some moments in kindergarten this year that were similar: she brought home red tickets. (Her school has the red, yellow and green tickets...if she saves up 20 green tickets, she gets to go to the "treasure chest" at school and pick a prize). We have rules about when she brings home a yellow or red ticket: much like yours (loss of tv and iPad, early bedtime: I told her I'm going to assume she's misbehaving because she's too tired).

I agree that counseling and being proactive at school is the way to work on this. Letting her know how much you love her is key...and letting you know you love her but will not tolerate that behavior is also key.

I also bought my granddaughter some "journals" so she can draw (she can't write yet) her feelings when she's angry or scared. That seems to have helped a whole lot. She is free to share them or keep them to herself. (Our therapist suggested it).

These kids have a lot of justified anger and they all need help learning how to express it appropriately. It's a huge challenge!

The one other thing I did that seemed to be helpful is I try to acknowledge the times when my gd appropriately expresses her feelings. I hope your gd's teachers are able to help do that in school.

Big hugs to you, Yaya!! You're not alone!

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