Grandparents Raising Children Support Group
This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.
My youngest gd (8) is finally starting to talk about her Mom, mostly referred to as "she". It has been five months since they have seen or talked to her during that time they have had two short notes.
Every once in a while I will ask them if they have any questions, the youngest has always said NO. Last night she asked me " What did Mom tell you when she asked you to keep us?". So I told her the truth. Mom asked your Omi if you could stay with her a few extra days, then I picked you up at Omi's and broughtcyou here. When it was time to take you home Mom sent me a text and aks if you could stay a few more days. The next days DCF called me and asked if you could stay here permanently. I said yes and had to go to court to get permission.
The little one then says Mommy not go to court, did she? Told her no Mommy was suppose to but did not show. I told her the judge said they could stay for 90 days with another hearing set a few weeks later to make it permanent. The little one says " Mom did not show up for that one either, did she.". Not a question, more of a statement. No honey, she should have but she did not go to the hearing.
Big hug " I am glad I am here."
After that the 9 year old and I had a talk about her acting out and refusing to do as asked. I explained to her that I know she does it because she is hurting but taking it out on me and her sister is not fair to us. That it makes me upset to have to fight with her over simple things like brushing her teeth and flushing a toilet. I told her it is not going to stop me loving her but at the moment I do not like her very much. That she is not going to win the teeth battle.
Surprise surprise. She was quiet for a few minutes then says I know. Gave me a hug and went and brushed her teeth. So far we have had two peaceful days.
Every once in a while I will ask them if they have any questions, the youngest has always said NO. Last night she asked me " What did Mom tell you when she asked you to keep us?". So I told her the truth. Mom asked your Omi if you could stay with her a few extra days, then I picked you up at Omi's and broughtcyou here. When it was time to take you home Mom sent me a text and aks if you could stay a few more days. The next days DCF called me and asked if you could stay here permanently. I said yes and had to go to court to get permission.
The little one then says Mommy not go to court, did she? Told her no Mommy was suppose to but did not show. I told her the judge said they could stay for 90 days with another hearing set a few weeks later to make it permanent. The little one says " Mom did not show up for that one either, did she.". Not a question, more of a statement. No honey, she should have but she did not go to the hearing.
Big hug " I am glad I am here."
After that the 9 year old and I had a talk about her acting out and refusing to do as asked. I explained to her that I know she does it because she is hurting but taking it out on me and her sister is not fair to us. That it makes me upset to have to fight with her over simple things like brushing her teeth and flushing a toilet. I told her it is not going to stop me loving her but at the moment I do not like her very much. That she is not going to win the teeth battle.
Surprise surprise. She was quiet for a few minutes then says I know. Gave me a hug and went and brushed her teeth. So far we have had two peaceful days.
Do these idiots have any idea how many events, parties, vacations, dinners, etc. etc. -- we had to turn down because we're raising someone else's kids? Why, it's a major production to pack up three kids and make the 3 hour drive to my mother-in-law's to give my sister-in-law a break.
I am raising my 12.5 yr old gd and 9 yr old gs. My gs and I have similar conversations when I put him to bed. He tells me about the hole in his heart from not seeing his mom. He's decided to call her Kate instead of Mom. He thanks me for taking care of him because if he was in foster care, he would cry all night. We talk about the stages of grief and how it's normal to grieve. We often check in on what stage we're in. I am determined to never leave them and have agreed to live until I am 100 to die. Have lost 56 lbs and have my cholesterol and blood pressure at the very healthy levels. They desperately need an adult be an adult. For them.
Then there is my 12.5 yr old gd. It's harder to gain her trust. She lived through Dad leaving, Mom leaving and now Grandpa leaving. Dad is trying to get back into the picture, but the two times he has visited talks mostly about himself. I am reading a great book, "Getting to Calm - Cool-headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens & Teens". So helpful to know about physical changes taking place in their brains and how staying calm, picking your battles and staying firm make all the difference.
And I joined several online support groups for me. Things change all the time and having support is just necessary to get through life. So my goal is to "Stay calm and carry on".