Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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mamawx4 09/24/2009

My 4 1/2 month old granddaughter has been in foster care in Ill since she was 1 month old.I have been trying to get custody of her since I found out where she was.Because I live in TN they[dcfs] won't place the baby with me as long as there is a chance either parent might get her back even with the fact that I have had her 2 brothers,ages 2 & 21 months,since birth.The courts told my daughter last week that she had little to no chance of getting the baby back,which I already knew because of what all has happened with the boys,and are encourageing her to give up her rights.
The father is a different story.He has full time job and he sees her twice every week.He buys anything that she needs,they only have to let him know.He is working the plan to get her back with him.I really beleive he loves her and wants her.His biggest misteak was ever being with my daughter.My problem with him is that I reacently found out that he was convicted several years ago of sexual acts with a minor.He says that the girl was 16 and he was in his 20's she wanted him to have sex with her and when he refused she went to her parents and told them that he did.They pressed charges and he went to prison.Apparently dfcs knows all this and they don't have aproblem with it because they say he will get the baby if he continues like he is.
I firmly beleive tha ta child needs to be with it's parents if at all possible but I don't know how to feel about this.Should I just step back and let him get custody,knowing that he is aconvicted sex offender, or should I fight for her?I have been told that I can hire a lawyer and fight him and dcfs for her.How can I live with the knowledge that my precious grandaughter is living with a sex offender?Is he telling the trueth about what happened?If he gets custody how can I lay my head down at night and not worry if he is abusing her?I can not beleive that dcfs is even concidering giving her to him.I thought that if that a convicted sex offender could not be around children much less get custody of one.

SaraBT 09/24/2009

That's a hard call, mamaw. If he's telling the truth, he's exposing one of the weaknesses of the strict sex offender laws .Again, IF he's telling the truth, a 20-year-old and a 16-year-old could be a common pairing, even if it's technically illegal. If he is telling the truth I wouldn't worry too much about it. The trick is finding out if that's all he did.

mamawx4 09/24/2009

I have tried to find out the truth but apparently the records are sealed or something because everytime I try I hit road blocks like internet pages unavailable,public offices never getting back to me,I can't even find newspaper clippings on it on the net.
By the way he was around 29 when it happened.

deleted_user 09/24/2009

Ok my question is this....if he is a "genuine" convicted sex offender then why would they even consider giving him custody??? that raised an eyebrow for me....there has to be some sort of doubt in the air if they're willing to give him custody....I knew a situation somewhat similar...a father and mother were sepated and father was seeing his daughter on a regular basis for a few years....then the dad met a wonderful woman with 2 children and they got married....once the ex found out she accused him of molesting his own daughter...of course it wasn't true...but I just thought it weird that no police investigation was done...he was not ordered to be removed from his wifde's home because she had 2 daughters near his own daughter's age....it's almost like the court did not believe the ex...she was just being spiteful and jealous because she could no longer bribe extra money from him....maybe this is a situation similar....being accused of rape or molestation can seriously ruin a person's life....these people who do that out of spite are the one's who should go to jail.

deleted_user 09/24/2009

I would talk with an attorney... get his legal advise.

daisydduck 09/24/2009

I hear your concern in your post. What IF he is molesting your gd? Can or will your daughter protect her if she has not been able to care for herself or first two children? I personally w/go on the side of keeping him away from gd. Thought: could you hire a private investigator before you spend money on attorney? Sometimes they can dig up info beyond court records. Entirely possible that girl told parents he raped her to protect herself but again, how do you know? Better safe than sorry.

SaraBT 09/24/2009

I like the investigator idea. Sometimes they can break through the closed ranks of law enforcement -- and get you answers that could help you make a decision.

deleted_user 09/27/2009

As a sexual abuse survivor, I have a very one-sided opinion and it is this -- do whatever you can to get your GD away from this man. Abusers are master manipulators of both their victims and those around him and will be easily able to fool everyone by doing what they want him to do if he sees that it will get him what he wants.

There is a major difference between a 29 year-old with a 16 year-old and a 20 year-old and a 16 year-old.

I would also suspect that this 16 year-old is NOT his only victim. Sexual offenders usually offend 15 time before they are caught. Also, as all studies have shown, sexual predators can not be rehabilitated because they are in essence sociopaths who do not see their actions as being wrong.

JMHO, but I would be frantic if I were you. But again, this is based on my personal experience and the conversations I have had with others like myself.

daisydduck 09/27/2009

Flutter, thx for sharing the chilling realty of life w/us. We do tend to deny when we don't want to believe. You bring up some extremely vivid points. I hope your wounds have healed. I get angry whenever I hear of adults who take advantage of kids....sickening.

deleted_user 09/27/2009

As a grandmother with grandchildren living w/me...I hear you loud and clear. Please allow me to send you love...and do not overlook your own intuition. When I have not allowed intuition to speak to me...it has sometimes been a huge learning experience. Good luck...namaste mlb

SaraBT 09/27/2009

I agree with Flutter. Knowing that he was 29, not 20, makes all the difference in the world.

deleted_user 09/28/2009

I live in WI, but I know of a person living with a convicted so of a 13yo who supposedly was willing. He was 19or 20, I think. They have not, to date, been allowed to keep any of their children. He is a convicted so of a minor and the courts immediately remove their children from their home.

Of course, they have blamed me for this....ROFL!! Noone has to turn them in! The state knows exactly where he is and what he is doing! Talk about living with your head in the sand.

deleted_user 09/28/2009

mamaw - I hope you get custody. I can't imagine the courts doing anything else. How long ago was his offense? This might play into it.

However, I WOULD have a good lawyer who is willing to fight for you!

daisydduck 09/28/2009

As noted early, these people tend to be very clever in manipulating people to get their way. It is a sex offense because a 13 year old is not mature enough to make their own decisions so if they say the 13 year old agreed, it is still wrong. 20 or 29, he put himself in the position of being caught and he got caught. That does not say much about his character, does it?

mamawx4 09/28/2009

He is now 51 or 52.But to me once a so always a so.And now he and my daughter are back together and I don't feel either of them should have her.I intend to fight them and the state of Ill to hell and back if I have to,to have my granddaughter home safe with me & her brothers.I am getting a very large law settlement tomorrow and I will spend every last dime of it if I have to get he home.

deleted_user 09/28/2009

Mamawx4,

I don't know how effective protective services are in your state, but if they are worth a flip, I would be surprised. In addition to a lawyer, I would contact the supervisor of the office who is handling your granddaughter's placement. As crazy as it seems, I have seen time and again where the actual social worker does things "their" way and decides arbitrarily how to manage the cases that they work. This means that kids get sent back when they shouldn't and vice versa.

Is this guy a registered sex offender or was the crime before they had such a designation? In any case I would be screaming to anyone I could find regarding the inappropriateness of reunification in your GD's case.

Good luck, hon, if I can help further, please let me know.

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