Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

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Ethics and what to do?

pamellalcpc
pamellalcpc
As you know we are raising our 5 yo gd. I am a mental health therapist and have many friends who are therapists as well. One in particular has a little boy and him and my gd play together. This past weekend we allowed gd to go overnight with this family and i got text after text and several videos giving clinical commentary and assessing every little behavior my gd had. This person called last night and even referred to my gd as a potential predator and gave me clinical insight to her assessments and direction we should take.

Our gd is in therapy and of course I have shared information on a friendship level with this person. I am livid that this friend took videos of my gd, gave "clinical" insight and even went so far as to indicate my gd is a potential predator and might need to be isolated from other children.

I spent the morning calling gd actual therapists, teacher and daycare providers to see if any of the behaviors this "friend" described are occuring in the settings they have gd in. Everyone of them said they have no concerns and at times the class will get rowdy or a couple of kids might say things but to call my gd a potential predator is completely overacting and concerning. I find it strange that only this friend and no other caregiver, therapist or teacher has witnessed these sorts of behaviors.

Im very tempted to file a complaint. This person had no right nor did I consent for her to assess my granddaughter. She was not going overnight to be assessed, she was going to have fun. Clearly this person was viewing her in a counseling capacity which i did not ask for nor consent to.

Im pissed and wonder how much my poor little gd was drilled the entire weekend.

It goes without saying this person won't be allowed around my gd again. But I am pretty pissed she had the audacity and unethical behavior to do what she did.......

Thoughts?
GMaWilli
GMaWilli
Wow; I wonder if she does the same thing to all of her child's little playmates? If so, the poor child won't have any friends growing up. I would be upset, too. If she is a friend, I would confront her about my feelings on the subject & tell her she was out of line and the assessment was completely unwarranted, and in YOUR professional opinion and that of others who interact with your grandchild EVERY DAY, also very off base. Depending on her reaction, I might take it further to her superiors. DEF wouldn't be letting my child go over there anymore.
GMaWilli
GMaWilli
And one more thought - there are KNOW IT ALL's in every profession. Sounds like she's a classic.
SaraBT
SaraBT
I would be totally freaked out. HOWEVER, and please don't take this the wrong way) before I lit into her I would ask what made her come to that conclusion. Remember that your friend saw her in a relaxed, non-therapeutic setting (unless she was drilling her), so she may have seen behaviors that aren't obvious in a therapy session.

Since I don't know the friend, I don't know if she's an unprofessional looney, but I'm the type who would want to gather facts before I gave her a piece of my mind...
pamellalcpc
pamellalcpc
my gd was on a waverunner and according to this gal she was "humping" the seat, then her son and my gd were saying boyfriend and girlfriend to each other and talking about kissing. her son was in the conversation as well and since i dont assess every situation it is an innocent conversation.... everytime my gd makes a move she assesses it to be in a sexual nature..........then the fact she was videoing my gd while she was driving down the road so she could point out all the ways my gd is "damaged" is another concern.....she was driving and videoing my gd. that alone is child endangerment. i am not sure how im going to proceed. this is not the first time somethink like this has occured. she used to assess my teenage daughters and husband a few years back. my gut insticts say she was she was drilling her. having a video camera in your face while your simply talking to your 4 year old friend is out of line. im pretty pissed so am not going to react today.........i feel a little responsibile as she had done this a few years back with my teenage daughter but i never dreamed shed do it to a five year old.....i dont wish to remain friends. but for now im just going to get myself more centered......and never allow her to be around my gd again.
SaraBT
SaraBT
It does sound weird that she was videoing your granddaughter. I could see it if she said she saw things and was concerned, but the video seems over-the-top. And if she did the same thing before, that definitely shows that she's kind of compulsive (I guess is the word). Makes you wonder if she does the same thing with you and other friends! Good idea to get centered first, though :-)
deleted_user
deleted_user
Ok, kids saying boyfriend/girlfriend to each other and talking about kissing is perfectly normal.

As far as the 'friend's' behavior I would also be mad enough to spit nails. Video taping a child while you are driving? Wow!

Did this woman also focus on sexual situations in the past when she 'assessed' the other people in your life? Personally it sounds like she may have some unresolved issues herself in that area.

We were concerned about possible sexual abuse due to some of my GD's behaviors. Her therapist has told me that with children who were emotionally/physically abused and neglected in the past some times use self stimulation as a comfort measure and it does not always mean that the child has been sexually abused. He had one adult who was neglected badly as a child tell him that she engaged in self stimulation as a child because it was the only comforting touch she ever had as the adults in her life never provided any physical comfort to her at all.

I applaud you for waiting til you are more centered before deciding what to do. One thing I know for sure your GD does not need to be around anyone who looks for evidence that she is "damaged" all the time. That person should have as little contact with children as possible!
BuffyS
BuffyS
You have every right to be fuming mad. All little kids masturbate, even if it's briefly while they're washing themselves in the shower for example. This woman seems to be looking for signs and putting a very negative spin on normal children's behavior. My grand is 5 and she does some things that are somewhat sexual, but they are totally innocent. She can dance and gyrate at times, but it's innocent fun; she's not trying to be provocative for goodness sake! She also talks about "my husband" and wanting babies. This is all little girl fantasy talk. It's harmless and part of their fantasy play.

Other than cutting ties with this woman, I don't know what else you can do. I think it's great you consulted with the professionals who really know and work with your grand just to make sure.

Let us know how you end up handling this. That woman is a wacko!
Liam2010
Liam2010
I have two teenage daughters and when they have their end of the summer campout in our backyard with their girlfriends I also ask her friends if they mind if I take their photo or video and if they want to ask their parent because I would ask the same of them with my girls.

Wow, I'm like the others I would be totally upset with her. She is not a Dr. and she didn't have the right to video tape your gd.
nutsandbolts
nutsandbolts
Wow, based on the video and "your friends description of sexual assessment" I would ask where in the hell is her mind "the sexual gutter"
Video taping of young children playing together is ok, but to place inappropriate sexual acts while being on a wave runner, I'd wonder myself if she wasn't a closet predator/ or maybe is and just hasn't gotten caught yet. . I don't think I'd be as calm as you and wait to open my mouth and put her in her place. It'd be a cold day in hell before I'd speak to her as she not only showed she isn't your friend once, but twice!
pamellalcpc
pamellalcpc
ive had a day or two to process this and im still as mad as the minute "sexual predator" came out of her mouth. Thanks for all support........still on the fence about reporting her to licensure. will never see nor speak to her again. how dare she? livid still......
NannaKMS
NannaKMS
Her insight is very Freudian in my opinion and she is completely out of line. She needs to leave her analysis of others at work where it is appreciated and is her job, she should not be on the job 24/7. Does she analyse her friends aswell. She has a problem. WOW, so sorry you had to go though that awell as your little grandaughter. I would also be furious !!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
As I understand it, there are professional ethic boards for mental health professionals. Is there a person within the professional organization that you can take your concerns to?
This person appears to have no problem crossing boundaries, Now forgive me it I cross the line, but your boundaries had been crossed before...(husband, daughters?) I suggest handling this now.
Praying for you
daisydduck
daisydduck
Wow! with friends like this, who needs enemies? Filing a complaint could open the door to a nasty situation and I doubt you need it right now. It sounds like she needs help herself and I'm sure her attitude is not helping her son. Tell her you feel it best that your gd not play at their home. Personally, I think you are best in cutting ties with this person. Focus on your gd and take her to recommended therapists who are not your friends. That is the professional way to handle it. I found everyone willing to tell me what was wrong with my gs and how I should handle him. Friends, teachers, strangers, you name it...everyone had an opinion. My husband and I talked it over and while we understood gs had problems, overall he was a good kid. We did see a professional therapist but when it came to opinions, we just said thank you but we have everything under control. We established a sound relationship with him and assured him of our unconditional love. We handled many things differently than we had with our 3 bio children because of abuse he had been through. Teachers were always there to say he needed consequences. They do not understand that when the child has been abused, abandoned and neglected, a time out is not going to change behavior. Today, at 22, he have overcome a good deal of the attachment problems, is past the post traumatic stress and has healthy relationships. This did not happen by accident but if we had listened to the critics, I am confident he would not be the person he is today so my advise is to work with your gd and work through her issues. Our gc need love and structure.
deleted_user
deleted_user
To say the least, this is weird on your friends part. Kids sometimes hump things as a way of comfort or stress release, happens in the classroom all the time. It's not a big deal unless the child is older than 7-ish or acting sexual towards others. Talking about kissing is not sexual predator behavior...youd think she knows that. I'd be very concerned about this woman, sounds like she is a bit inappropriate (to be kind).

I think I would tell her that her behavior is super creepy and over the line professionally. Destroy all video etc or you will have to report her unethical behavior.

You kiddo has been through enough and could likely do without this kind of help.
pamellalcpc
pamellalcpc
I confronted her this am via text message. i was nicer than i probally should have been but i was direct and to the point and in short she wont be around gd again. gamma pam put her in her place and let her know under no terms was she justified. Felt good to stand up for gd. When your messing with my gd your walking on the fighting side of me:) thanks for all your support:)