Grandparents Raising Children Support Group
This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.
So we've had our eldest granddaughter (14) in counseling for about four months, and family therapy just began.
She made an incredible breakthrough two weeks ago. Then Pinky called, she cut again and it's been downhill ever since.
Her counselor told me to search her room and remove anything sharp. The idea isn't to prevent cutting, but to slow her down a little so that she can think about it first. I resisted because I wanted to trust her.
Then she cut and messaged someone from our old church - at 1:00 in the morning! The woman, bless her heart, didn't call the police but did tell me about it. So I figured she broke my trust, I searched her room and found her cutting stash. She hasn't spoken to me since.
At family therapy she said that I "took all of her friends away" because I took all of her electronic devices. I don't want strangers knowing more about what goes on in our house than I do, for one thing. For another, she was defying us and using things other than a phone to go on Facebook (she figured out how to do it on her Kindle!). Her FB posts are full of cursing and her friends are other cutters or kids who love to talk about suicide and other dark subjects.
Then she told the family therapist that she has no interest in ever discussing anything with me. She said I'm not her mom, in fact I'm not even a mom (these are step-grandchildren.) When the counselor asked her why, she said "I don't know. I just don't."
I have never yelled at her for cutting and have never punished her, because I wanted her to know she could come to me. But she won't.
I guess I'm feeling kind of low today because I feel like the nanny and housekeeper. If she wants anything, I'll tell her to ask her grandfather.
I think I'll tell the church friend to just call the police next time she texts her. Then let her see what happens when she ends up in Child Protective Services.
Then, as if it couldn't get worse, Pinky calls and tells the middle granddaughter that she's "changing" and things are going to be great again! As if.
I need a vacation.
She made an incredible breakthrough two weeks ago. Then Pinky called, she cut again and it's been downhill ever since.
Her counselor told me to search her room and remove anything sharp. The idea isn't to prevent cutting, but to slow her down a little so that she can think about it first. I resisted because I wanted to trust her.
Then she cut and messaged someone from our old church - at 1:00 in the morning! The woman, bless her heart, didn't call the police but did tell me about it. So I figured she broke my trust, I searched her room and found her cutting stash. She hasn't spoken to me since.
At family therapy she said that I "took all of her friends away" because I took all of her electronic devices. I don't want strangers knowing more about what goes on in our house than I do, for one thing. For another, she was defying us and using things other than a phone to go on Facebook (she figured out how to do it on her Kindle!). Her FB posts are full of cursing and her friends are other cutters or kids who love to talk about suicide and other dark subjects.
Then she told the family therapist that she has no interest in ever discussing anything with me. She said I'm not her mom, in fact I'm not even a mom (these are step-grandchildren.) When the counselor asked her why, she said "I don't know. I just don't."
I have never yelled at her for cutting and have never punished her, because I wanted her to know she could come to me. But she won't.
I guess I'm feeling kind of low today because I feel like the nanny and housekeeper. If she wants anything, I'll tell her to ask her grandfather.
I think I'll tell the church friend to just call the police next time she texts her. Then let her see what happens when she ends up in Child Protective Services.
Then, as if it couldn't get worse, Pinky calls and tells the middle granddaughter that she's "changing" and things are going to be great again! As if.
I need a vacation.
She is a very special person, in some ways already a better writer than I am, a deep thinker and a lovely, caring person. Except she doesn't believe it and I can't convince her no matter what I say OR do.
She doesn't understand that I don't ever judge her friends - except his one. It's her "best" friend, but she's someone who has never met my granddaughter in person. One of those friend-of-a-friend things. Her FB page is AWFUL!
I'm going to insist that my granddaughter remove all of the references to Jesus on her FB page, because they don't go with the "F" word and other crap that she's been posting. I'm torn, because I'd like to get rid of that account, but if she does then I can't monitor what's going on.
It's SO frustrating!!!!!!!!
Since then I blacked out her phone number and all reference to visiting out of one note and never gave the the third one. They do so much better with no contact with a mother who has so many issues.
I know how you feel sometime their words are like knifes. I agree with grammy22 if the counselor yes yes cut all contact with Pinky. I know my boys are doing better now that my daughter has no contact. I would let her have acess to the computer only in the main living area where you can monitor. At that age words they use are so bad she has to be able to vent. You say she is a good writer let her write even if you don't like the words she uses. Writing is a good release. It took a good year and a half before my oldest started opening up. It has been over 4 years since he came to live with me and when he has a melt down I am always the bad guy. He blames me because I took them from his parents and I just let him know that I will always love him. I don't let him disrespect me but I do let him vent. Sometimes they don't even know the trigger but there is always one. Stay with the counseling it will help it may take years. Remember she is trying to find who she is and where she belongs. Her family doesnt look like most of her friends/class mates/ church goers. Hang on to her hug her more when she is mad at you. She could be testing you (does she reaaly love me even when I am mad at her) They question our love becuase in there eyes my parents didnt love me enough to stop doing drugs. I would also keep that line open with the old church person if she is willing to be there for your GD. For some reason your GD reaches out to her(could be becuase she knew she would call you) but what ever the reason she did reach out to her. My oldest would talk with classmates, teachers, coaches but not me. I would encourage you to open back up to her asking her to go to the grandfather sounds a bit like rejection which i know you dont want to send that message. I say hang in there with our trouble children sometimes it seems dark right before a break through. I know it is hard when your feelings get hurt so put on your armor and fight for her. I will pray for you to feel his love,arms around you and you to feel him walking beside you on this journey.
might fuel the fire. Perhaps pinky should meet with gd and therapist.
For the most part, people don't lash out at the person that hurt them they lash out at the person that will take it and stay. So while the words may hurt you, and I understand, perhaps believing that she is choosing you, is because she knows you are there for her, may help you.
In response to " I'm not her mom, in fact I'm not even a mom" I hate to say, but I probably would have said, "No, I'm not, but I am here. And I may not have given birth to you or any child, so no I'm not a Mother, but I've opened my heart and home to raise you kids to the best of my ability, so what does that make me?"
I tend to speak very open and plain to my children, I tell them how what they did makes me feel, and I don't mean in a screaming hysterically "you cut my heart out you little b****" kind of way (that was my Mother) and i don't do it while I'm angry, I let things calm down, maybe an hour at most, and I sit down with them and talk.
A therapist is fine, they technically know what is going on and how to help but practically what most people really need is someone that understands. Not the textbook idea but the underneath all the words, the feelings...the absolute pain, anger, frustration, that you are feeling.
Personally, I would buy 2 journals (actually, I'd get a few packages of loose-leaf paper and 2 binders) and I'd write my story. Start with something that caused you a lot of pain. Describe how you felt and the things you wanted to do to stop the pain. Then talk about how it got better, what helped. When you are done telling that story, take it and the second journal to her and say, "Since you don't want to talk, I thought I'd write and share with you. Also, I got you this, so that perhaps you might be able to write too."
Personally, if I were writing, I would probably write about the grans coming to live with me. I doubt you thought, "Oh I'm so happy about this I cannot wait." So write the bad and good things you thought and felt about it. She will see it was a struggle for you and that you are making it through.
Most people just want to connect with someone. They just want someone that understands because they have been through it and got through it. Most people want hope.
As for the 'Jesus' and F words on FB, I wouldn't ask her to remove it, I would tell her that it disturbs you and why. The same with the groups and people she is talking to on FB.
And yes, you can do this (be a friend) and GMom. Yes, keep taking her cutting things away. Yes monitor her online world. Yes take away her 'friends' until she follows the rules. No, don't tell the church lady to call the cops, have her call you still and do all the things you did, stay consistent, because that is something GD needs too.
Positive thoughts and energy to you all.
I've sort of suspected for a while now that our eldest thinks that she could be gay. I'm not sure that she is, but I read her posts online. She wanted to talk about getting her electronics back, and I came right out with it: Do you think you're gay?
She said "I don't know," and that opened up a loooong conversation that involved letting her know that I'd love her no matter what, etc.
Here's what has freaked me out, though - and it, too was part of our conversation. Being gay or bisexual is now VERY trendy among adolescent girls!!!!! They brag about it, say they're "married" to other girls on FB and the like.
I find this disturbing, because it's precisely at the time when kids are exploring their sexuality, and pressure to conform could screw that area up for them as well.
My eldest does like boys, and I told her to follow her instincts, not the crowd. I told her that she's either straight or gay, but she needs to "be" one of the other because that's who SHE is, not because her friends are.
From that moment on she told me she'll be willing to come to me next time she's depressed or thinking about cutting. I think she's been so worried that I'd freak out or something, but since I didn't, I think a "trust breakthrough" happened.
We're going to give her the Kindle back without online access, and the computer she can use will be in a public area in the house. She will know that she's on probation, and will lose it all again if she breaks our trust.
As for that "friend," I'm not sure how to handle it. My granddaughter admitted that having the Jesus stuff on the same FB page as the nasty stuff was wrong. I told her to take down one or the other, but she took down her entire page. Maybe she has a secret one already, and I'll find it. HAHA But I was surprised that she realized that it appeared hypocritical to have both things in the same place.
Oh, what a roller coaster ride teens put us on!
Thanks again - you guys are wonderful!!!!!!