Grandparents Raising Children Support Group
This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.
Saw the therapist again today with my granddaughter. He explained to her that her mother is sick and can't see her until/unless she gets lots and lots of help. My granddaughter teared up and the therapist explained to her that it is not her fault. He told her that no matter how well she behaves and no matter what a good girl she (my grand) is, my daughter will continue to make her feel bad because my daughter is sick. He explained to my grand that it would take months and months of work with a counselor and medication before my daughter would be able to see my grand.
My granddaughter has been blaming herself for my daughter's bad behavior! I was mortified not to have realized this on my own. She's been thinking that if she (my granddaughter) was better, my daughter would be nicer to her and we wouldn't have all the family problems.
The therapist had her draw a couple of pictures (of our dog, herself, and one of her family which was a picture of herself with my husband and me. He showed me how she regresses to around age 3 in some of her art. He said she has definitely been damaged by the problems with my daughter but that we caught it early enough that she can heal before any permanent damage is done. He said some kids get so emotionally damaged by their mentally ill parents that they perform poorly in school, develop learning problems, etc. and it just escalates over time.
We discussed using positive reinforcement rather than punishing through time outs, etc. They simply won't work on my granddaughter based on her defense mechanisms. She tends to withdraw into herself and, if provoked, reverts to the behaviors of a 2 year old with tantrums, etc. So we have to pick our battles with her and try to negotiate with her rather than simply making demands and expecting immediate compliance. She has become quite oppositional due to all the conflict she's witnessed.
As we drove home after the session, my grand asked me why her mother doesn't just go to the doctor and do what she needs to do to get better. I told her I've tried for years to get her mother to get help and she refuses. My grand was very frustrated and she seems (rightfully) angry that her mother won't take steps to fix herself and be able to come around again.
I think she does understand the basic explanation that her mother is sick, that she can't help behaving the way she does, but that she also refuses to suck it up and get help. I'm a little bit surprised I haven't heard a peep from my daughter since I told her the therapist told me she has to stay away, a week ago. No texts or emails whining that she misses me or her daughter. But we've taken month-long breaks before and sometimes she seems to enjoy not dealing with my grand.
The therapist said if I stay steadfast in keeping my daughter away, he thinks my grand will show marked improvement within a month or so.
We're going away all of next week so I won't see the therapist again until November 28. I'll let you know what happens after that session.
My granddaughter has been blaming herself for my daughter's bad behavior! I was mortified not to have realized this on my own. She's been thinking that if she (my granddaughter) was better, my daughter would be nicer to her and we wouldn't have all the family problems.
The therapist had her draw a couple of pictures (of our dog, herself, and one of her family which was a picture of herself with my husband and me. He showed me how she regresses to around age 3 in some of her art. He said she has definitely been damaged by the problems with my daughter but that we caught it early enough that she can heal before any permanent damage is done. He said some kids get so emotionally damaged by their mentally ill parents that they perform poorly in school, develop learning problems, etc. and it just escalates over time.
We discussed using positive reinforcement rather than punishing through time outs, etc. They simply won't work on my granddaughter based on her defense mechanisms. She tends to withdraw into herself and, if provoked, reverts to the behaviors of a 2 year old with tantrums, etc. So we have to pick our battles with her and try to negotiate with her rather than simply making demands and expecting immediate compliance. She has become quite oppositional due to all the conflict she's witnessed.
As we drove home after the session, my grand asked me why her mother doesn't just go to the doctor and do what she needs to do to get better. I told her I've tried for years to get her mother to get help and she refuses. My grand was very frustrated and she seems (rightfully) angry that her mother won't take steps to fix herself and be able to come around again.
I think she does understand the basic explanation that her mother is sick, that she can't help behaving the way she does, but that she also refuses to suck it up and get help. I'm a little bit surprised I haven't heard a peep from my daughter since I told her the therapist told me she has to stay away, a week ago. No texts or emails whining that she misses me or her daughter. But we've taken month-long breaks before and sometimes she seems to enjoy not dealing with my grand.
The therapist said if I stay steadfast in keeping my daughter away, he thinks my grand will show marked improvement within a month or so.
We're going away all of next week so I won't see the therapist again until November 28. I'll let you know what happens after that session.
We are done with our daughter. She refuses to get help, even at the cost of a relationship with her own daughter. If that doesn't motivate her to change, clearly nothing will.
Good luck to you. I am thrilled you are going to adopt. You will never, ever have to deal with your daughter or anyone else related to your grand unless you think it's in his best interest.
Therefore, if we wouldn't allow a child molester or bully to interact with their young victims, why do the same with a mother who also repeatedly hurts her own children?
Maybe that's harsh, but to me it's logical...
I don't think she'll ever be in a position to get them back. Too many red flags with Lover Boy, and now she's finally starting to realize it.
Can you believe it? At five years old, asking and pleading to see her mom every week or so, and now she's been told her mom is sick and will always make her sad. She's relieved! This child is relieved to be rid of the guilt and emotional pain her mother consistently has dumped on her!
I thought she'd act out, I thought she'd go into rages and try to blame me for withholding her mother. And it's not happening! This kid acts like a huge weight has been lifted off of her.
I sure wish we had cut ties with my daughter a long long time ago. Maybe even the day we adopted my grand. But I can't look back. I can't play what' if games. All I can do is rejoice in the new found freedom from dealing with a mentally ill person's whims and demands and unpredictability. And if I'm relieved, with all the tools a 55 year old has, I can only imagine how relieved my 5 year old feels, having no coping mechanisms except anger and rages after every visit with her so-called mom.
I know that I hate uncertainty. Whether the news is good or awful, I have to know one way or the other, so I can figure out how to deal with it.
Having a mother who is erratic in her visits, affections, etc. must be worse than having no mother at all. Up one minute, down the next, uncertain the next.
At least now your granddaughter knows that there is something concrete to deal with.