Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

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Discipline for temper fits and defiance

scgramma
scgramma
My gd is 4. When she came to stay here in feb because dd jobless homeless( she has other issues which is why she can't live with me), I was too happy to get her back. She came ru Ning to me glad to be back. Now moms visiting, taking kids places ect super mom you got it. Gd has had fits in past the. She'd cry and ask if I was going to make her leave . But she had gotten over that stuff in march. Now she's throwing fits again, defiant screaming kicking, she's had 4 fits in last 4 days,1 refusing to share cake batter then screaming no at mom which escalates to being toted to her room screaming. Another over arguing w 6 yo brother who I've had since 1yo, don't remember subject of her screaming at me other day, last night crying screaming refusing to come to table to eat. As you can see not major reasons for acting crazy. I am at a loss. We spanked her but useless really. After her fits she cries sorry grandma or mom my or whoever. It's like she goes into a rage where she can't be reasoned with so we usually just take her to her room to cool off for 5 minutes after she's done flipping out. My kids didn't act like that. My gs has on just a couple occasions at that age. My husband is going to start working in another city in 2 weeks. I'm afraid if this is new norm she is going to have to go live with her mother who is supposed to move in with another friend next month, while she continues to job hunt. I feel guilty, and overwhelmed I don't k ow how to handle this alone
SaraBT
SaraBT
The fact that she apologizes shows that she's conflicted about controlling her own behavior - that could be a good sign.

Our eldest did a flip-out once. She was standing in the hallway screeching her head off. I said "Mom-Mom doesn't play that game. When you're ready to act like a big girl, come out and apologize" and walked away. About five minutes later she came out and did apologize - and never had a flip-out again.

I have no idea if that would help in your case, but it might be worth trying...
mayanana
mayanana
She's so uncertain about where she belongs I'm sure that is contributing to her outbursts. My GD did that until she accepted that she was safe and secure with me. While you can't condone the behavior, and reasonable punishment such as sending her to her room until she calms down is needed, you need to reassure her that she is with you, that you love her and want her with you. I"m sure her mother is promising her that she'll get to live with her soon, which adds to the conflict the child is feeling. Tell her that her mother just isn't capable of properly taking care of her right now, and that you're glad GD is with you so you can...just keep loving her...she'll finally accept that you aren't going to reject her like she feels her mother did.
raingirl1
raingirl1
Although the reasons for her screaming fits are trivial, the underlying anguish is not. They are just a symptom of what is going on beneath. I would ignore the fits so she doesn't get any reward (attention etc) from the behaviour, but make sure to be extra affectionate and try to get her to talk about what she is thinking.
daisydduck
daisydduck
These are all good ideas but I think you should seek therapy for her. If she is 4, there should be placement services through you school district where they will test her and determine her level of development and make recommendations. They also have preschool classes for kids with problems to prepare them for admission to kindergarten. My other concern is that she has been abused as her reactions are so drastic. Take her to pediatrician and see if they can recommend a therapist who specializes in children. Is your daughter an addict? If she is and was using while pregnant, there could be brain damage that causes the outbursts. I just feel this is more than just acting out behavior. I hear your frustration but the poor baby is so confused. A therapist can determine if she has attachment issues which need to be addressed.
scgramma
scgramma
Thanks all, I think I'll try to love her through it, she was t like this last month. Honestly my patience and tolerance have been in a dip because of the news my spouse is hoo g to be working g out if town for a year. The thought of dealing wih all this alone is scarey. She started to get upset last night because I called dinner and she wanted to play. However I was able to change her cheannel by getting all happy and asking for best helper to help set the table. . I have to keep myself together to help her keep it together. Maybe my stressing all week is where the fits came from. I haven't told them pawpaw will be worki g out of town yet, but I know I've not been myself. Next week we will all be going to beach , plan I g on telling them after.last time he went out of town for a month they cried for him a few times so I've not been looking forward to it. Both their reactions and my loneliness . Sometimes I just feel like I'm being abandoned to deal with everything while he gets to escape. The kids are sensitive and pick up on my sad was and shortness.
NannaKMS
NannaKMS
My gs has lived with us since he was 1 year old, and he has been acting out and having fits to hes also 4. My daughter has lived with us for 9 months and her way of disciplining gs is to constantly go back on her word and there is no consistency at all she uses the computer for him to play games on all day. When my boyfriend and I are home with him and spending time with him hes great, but shes constantly undoing everything we accomplice with him, luckily shes moving out next Sat. and we are going to get him on schedule again. I did also call a place in my city that is going to help me by evaluating him but its a 4 month wait list.
GMaWilli
GMaWilli
Is she getting enough sleep? I also think she's picking up on your stress. My 5 yo is definitely affected by both of those things.
daisydduck
daisydduck
Why would you spank a child who is acting out like this? This is not a stage or lack of sleep. You need to get this child in therapy and most likely you w need to participate to learn how to help her. I'm sorry but hitting a child who has been through so much is very upsetting to me. This is not a stage. She needs help.
deleted_user
deleted_user
When my GD came to us 2.5 years ago at 4 years old we had some awful times. She was out of control nd had episodes of being violent. We managed to find a therapist who works with kids who are in foster care or being raised by someone other than a bio parent. There were a lot of issues behind my GD's behavior and it all stemmed from the chaos, abuse and neglect she suffered with her bios. Now 2.5 years later she still has occassional meltdowns but no more violence. Star charts for good behavior helped some but the therapy was the one thing that really changed things around.