It would be nice if she pleasantly surprised you but if not I pray you have the strength to cut the visit short and send her on her way. Sorry if that sounds nasty but none of us need the drama.

It will be interesting to see your gd's reaction to a woman who has become a stranger to her. In my experience the bio's do not understand the children treating them as strangers or being cold and take it out on us for turning the kids against them.

I wish you a peaceful weekend.

You do not sound nasty in the least. Thank you grammy22!

The awkward thing would be if she tries to play "mommy" while she's there. That's one of the things our eldest brings up to her counselor all the time. Pinky is never around for months at a time, then when she shows up she bosses the kids around, says things like "because I'm your mother," etc. etc. They HATE that.

Motherhood is not convenient and as we all know it's a constant responsibility. If a mother can walk away from her child for over a year clearly do not have the bonding to raise th d child. Is motherhood a right to be respected even though you have no concern for over a year? Perhaps part of tough love is enforcing the need for your grandchild to continue to thrive in your care. How can they expect to just walk in and say "mommy is here?" Can you set up a meeting prior to her coming to your home where you can talk with her about what's best for your grandchild? Absent mother's need to realize the damage they have done and accept the same orifices you have made. Don't hesitate to set rules if she wants to be welcome in your home. I wish you well and hope your holiday is pleasant.

I have tried to explain that motherhood doesn't have too much to do with biology, especially in this situation. She gets angry and then turns to tears. Telling me I'm cruel for making her feel like a POS. I've reach a point with her that I just wait until she calms down, and then remind her that I am not the one that made these choices and that I am just stating facts. I am not trying to hurt her but I'm not buying into her reality either.

I do remind her that I love her, but she is an adult that can protect herself and our gd is not.

I have such appreciation for this group. Oh, and my husband finally got on the site yesterday, under my account, to read a bit. He was surprised. I think he feels very isolated and alone in our situation, but he does a great job with our gd. I hope he will continue to read and possibly join in, even if it is under my account. I think he feels a bit of relief knowing so many other people are able to do this for their grandchildren.

Thank you!

I just thought of something - does your granddaughter know that she's planning to visit?

I say this because Pinky called last Friday and wanted to meet the kids at the mall again. I told her it wasn't a good weekend because my 94-year-old mother-in-law was visiting and would be getting ready to go home the next day.

Somehow Pinky found out that her brothers and our other grandkids would be coming to our house to see Mimi and have a swim party-cookout. PINKY asked to join us and her brother said he'd pick her up and take her back home.

The girls got all dolled up and they were so excited. You guessed it - when it was time for my stepson to get Pinky she was nowhere to be found.

SaraBT, She knows, but it doesn't get her excited. After all, gd was 1 1/2 when she left (and has been gone for 1 1/2 years) I don't believe they ever bonded because she was preoccupied with men, friends, and drugs. Gd only gets upset when my husband or I leave. To our gd, her mother is much like other extended family visits or calls. She likes the calls and or visits but it's not her immediate family.

When my dd left on Christmas morning 1 1/2 years ago. Gd just gave her a hug and said bye. Gd was in the hospital for 3 months (born premature), and then when she came home (has always lived in our home) mom was ok but preoccupied with other things and it only got worse, before dd left gd would be screaming for her mother to acknowledge her and my dd would just tell her to wait or ignore her altogether or even storm off.

Dd was put in jail for domestic violence (with gd's father) in the presence of a child (gd had a good-sized cut on her forehead). Dd also chased gd's father down the street and jumped into a moving car...all while gd was on the living room floor in the house alone at 9-months old.

She's been violent with the new bf too. Sorry to rant.

I would strongly recommend that you think about the visit. I wish I had never gone out of my way to organize visits with bios. Your granddaughter is 3yrs old.your her mom. Any change in that status puts her at high risk for emotional disorders. I would play down that her "mommy" is visiting. Think of something else to refer to her as. Kids deserve to feel as normal as possible.

dianaconroy, I didn't think of that. And gd will be four next month. It was more a year and 3/4 old and absent a year and 3/4.

Gd does call her mama and me grammy. But the words don't mean the same to her. She's getting old enough to know the difference. We need to find a counselor / therapist to help us with these names. And, yes, I need to be firm with my dd and just tell her that gd is staying in our home.

Does anyone have suggestions on mediation. After seeing the replies and some deep thought, I think we will need a third-party evaluation. My dd won't take my word. Perhaps, if someone puts this in perspective for her and can help us get to a good place, she will be more accepting that we cannot just juggle gd around.

Do you have legal guardianship? Is so it is not just a matter of her saying she wants her daughter back. She will need to file in court and if you fight it it can take a year or two for it to get through court.

As for meds she needs an evaluation before any one can start to make guesses.

Yes, we have legal guardianship.

Red said: "Gd does call her mama and me grammy. But the words don't mean the same to her. She's getting old enough to know the difference. We need to find a counselor / therapist to help us with these names."

I talked with our child psychologist when gd began calling me Mom. She explained that Mom, Dad, etc are comfort words. We chose to tell gd she can call us whatever name she chooses. So it's sometimes, Mom, Grammy, Papa, Grampy, Dad, Daddy, Mother, Father, whatever feels right for her at the time.

She's referred to us as mommy and daddy on occasion and we don't correct her. Sometimes it's mommy Grammy or daddy papa. She calls our dd mama. I just want to be sure she is okay with all this mess. Our dd called and I told her a few boundaries to follow and didn't hear a protest, but we shall see.

I'm sure she will be on her best behaviour for a little while...I call it the honneymoon stage. In about two to three weeks her real spots will come out and then you'll see what you're going to be dealing with. The spots come out a little at a time so squash them as soon as they do. Good luck!