Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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dianaconroy 04/27/2013

So my step daughter started calling me a month ago. She wants a relationship with her kids and starting "April" she was going to me regular with her visits. Well she's coming over tomorrow for the first time in months and I'm dreading it. I hate to say this, but at this point it's not
in the best interest of the kids to have these people in and out of their lives. According to her she has an attorney, she has rights and she's doing all she needs to, to make sure she has the "visitation she deserves". Code for "getting the benefits she fears to lose". I'm hoping she'll visit this one time and decide its to much work.

She asked if she could spend the entire day, feed the kids, bathe them and put them to bed before she leaves. I said yes in a moment of weakness and when I mentioned it to the therapist she said absolutely not! She recommends we take it slow. She's the kid therapist but they only see her right after a parents visit. I know he's right. Plus starting at age 7 or 8 she has a history of molesting a couple of children. Apparently she had been molesting her younger sister all the way up until a couple of years ago when her sister was about 19.....it started when her sister was 6. So I've always watched her carefully. We actually decided to go for guardianship after we found out about the molestation and she threatened to take the kids from us.

Anyway I know I'm somewhat in control and after having the kids for almost 6 years (since birth) it would take a lot before she got custody or visitation. But it's still scary. Tomorrow I will have to address the issue with her holding on to them the entire time we' re together. It won't be easy. I'm trying so hard to not piss her off. I don't want to end up in court.

SaraBT 04/27/2013

Are you saying that your stepdaughter molested kids?

If that's true I'd refuse the visit and let her take me to court!

daisydduck 04/27/2013

Don't let your fears control your decisions. You have been strong and right on in your decisions so far. Adding the history of abuse, I would deny visits and inform her you will not endanger her children that you have lovingly raised. Can you just not be home when she comes tomorrow? Based on her past performance, is it possible she may not even show up? Listen to the therapist. He should have kids best interest.

dianaconroy 04/27/2013

Unfortunately she was granted supervised visits. So we have to allow some visitation. My husband and I are always there together. She molested kids when she was 6, 13 and up until recently her sister. Who knows if there where more, all went unreported. We're hoping to start adoption next April after our 2 yr anniversary of guardianship. If she continues with her sparodic visits we just might get it. I'm hopeful.

daisydduck 04/28/2013

Is it possible to have a psychologist do exams on children to determine if visits have a negative effect on children? Do you have visits at home? Have you considered having visits in a neutral setting like a park or restaurant? These environments may be easier to control.

dianaconroy 04/28/2013

We had our visit today. We decided to go to a park. She is definitely serious about gaining custody and she's being coached. She spent a lot of time playing with the kids, she was never on the phone and when the kids tried to go to the bathroom she never once said she would take them like before. And she now has her drivers license. She seemed sober and she keeps hinting at the fact that she has money saved etc, etc, I know that since the kids have been with us since birth chances are slim for her, but you never know. I hate all the secret ness

tonidoed 04/28/2013

Diana, I'm sorry, I cannot give you advice on your situation, but please know that I do understand the fear. I have had my gc since birth and was finally able to adopt. My fear of someone taking my kids from me will never end. Never forget why your gc are healthy and happy, its because of you and only you. We have to have faith that the judges, attorneys, CPS or anyone involved will know the truth. I was told by several agencies that they never want to remove a child from a stable and loving home, especially since they were with me since birth. I'm living proof that they kept their word. I have to believe your gc will be with you forever just as mine will be with me. Will that fear of losing them ever go away, probably not. I always pray these BIOS will stop thinking of themselves and for once think of these poor babies, but they never do. Hoping you can stay strong through all this uncertainty.

joesuzzi 04/30/2013

H Diana. One thing that ended up being SO IMPORTANT when I got custody was: a complete journal.... or Calender will do! Keep track of every phone call, every visit, how long the visit lasts, anything important that happened or was said.
Supervised visitation does NOT mean it has to be in your home. You can meet her at McDonalds, or the park was a great idea! Schedule a visitation in HER home!! (she will hate that....I promise !!) I am sure it would be uncomfortable to have her in your home? (I know it sure would be for me !) If she is like most "Mothers" who do not raise their kids, she will make an effort....for awhile....or until something more fun or important comes along.. Be sure to note every cancellation she does on the visits....and the reason too.
My heart goes out to you...I know how difficult this all must be !
Keep your relationship with your husband STRONG......my husband of 33 years decided he did not have to raise another kid....and we will soon be divorced. I still am raising my grandson...and will continue to do so. There is NO WAY I could, or would, ever walk out on this little guy ! Good luck to you.....please keep posting !

GMaWilli 05/01/2013

Joesuzzi Im sorry to hear about your divorce. I was engaged & he broke off the engagement when i took my little guy to raise. We broke up completely but got back together as a dating couple a few months later. Now we never even discuss marriage. Hes great with both of my GSs when hes with them though. He was a single dad for 8 years & just did not want to start over in a "father" role 24/7. Couldnt blame him. There are several step grandmas here raising gks but not as many men are willing to make the sacrifice.

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