Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

446 Members

3,703 Posts

0 Online

mamawx4 08/30/2010

My dd called me yesterday after not hearing from her in 2 months.She acted like nothing was wrong,that she hadn't done anything wrong.I sat and listened to her for awhile and when I couldn't take anymore.I said "Bonnie what do you want",she replied "I just wanted to talk to my Mom" I said "oh the mom who abused you when you were growing up,the mom who stole your children,the mom who always loved her othe children more than you,is that the mom you wanted to talk to?"She wanted to know what I was talking about so I told her "You go on FaceBook and tell the whole world that I abused you,you put me down as the worst mother in the world you do everthing you can to hurt me even going so far as to make death threats against me and your own children and then on top of it all you gave my grandchild away to a stranger knowing that I was willing to take her and raise her along with her brothers. The only reason you did it was you knew that was the ultmate way to hurt me.You know how much my grandchildren mean to me so you used that baby to hurt me in a way you knew nothing else you could do would.You don't care anything about these babies you bring into this world,they are only pawns in your little game called"Lets see how many ways I can hurt my mother before she breaks" Well you know what your mother just broke! You are my daughter and I love you with all my heart but I don't like you at all.You need to grow up and be an adult instead of a child just pretending to be one.You expect me to forgive anything that you do to me and I have forgiven everything up until now and have even defended you because i know you have alot of mental problems but this time there will be no forgiveness.I will never forgive you for giving my gc away.Please don't call me or contact me in any way untill you can decide to grow up.I don't want to talk to you again until you get help for your problems and you have a dr to call me." and I hung up on her.

I have just had all I can take from her! It has started affecting my health and I can't afford to get sick and not be able to care for my gss.I do love her and would love to be able to have a relationship with her like I do my other children but that is not going to happen.Its time to stand my ground and and make her understand that its time for her to get the help she needs or I won't be a part of her life nor will her sons.She has already completely turned her siblings and father against her and she needs to realize that I am the only one who will always love her. I think sometimes we all have a breaking point and I am at mine.I just can't do it anymore!!!

The whole time I talked to her I never raised my voice once.Before we always ended up yelling and screaming at each other.This time was different.I never let her know what it was doing to me because that is what she thrives on knowing that she has hurt me.After I hung up on her I sat down and cried but she will never know that.

SaraBT 08/30/2010

Mamaw, I know exactly how you feel. I have said similar things to Pinky over the years. Makes me feel better to get it out with the person who's causing our pain. However, Pinky never gets it. Never. Oh, she'll say things like "I know, I know." But somewhere, there's a missing connection.

My husband reminded me of it this weekend, when she wanted to come for a visit. She started telling me about her sore throat and I said "I don't want to hear it. What time will you be here?" She asked why I was so mean, and I went off on her. "Why am I mean? Well, maybe it's because your father and I have NO LIFE ANYMORE because of you!" and similar things. Of course she started crying.

When I told her father what happened he said "she just can't understand. She's brain-dead, and all you're doing is getting worked up. She's still a human, so try to talk to her like that."

I didn't want to hear it, but I did apologize for going off on her. I also told her that I don't want to hear about her social life, her aches and pains, her "need to relax." And I told her that she will never, ever, understand the burden she has placed on her father and me.

Her brother pays surprise visits on her and says that while he doesn't think she's using right now she is drinking. So it's just a matter of time before she goes back to her old ways.

At some point I'm going to tell her that, if she starts using again, she will not see her children anymore. I can live on this roller-coaster, and I'm sure the kids can't, either.

A mess any way you look at it.

deleted_user 08/30/2010

I think you did what was right, mamaw. At some point we need to draw a line. Where that line is and what it looks like can only be determined by us.

I think it is especially good that you did it without yelling (but you know she'll say you did - they always do....).

You've done what you can. You need to take care of yourself for your family, including the children you are raising for her.

God bless and {{{Great Big Hugs}}}

Liam2010 08/31/2010

Hugs...I am sorry, our children's Mental illness is hell on us! I have tried all of my son's adult life using tough love however; from time to time when he calls...my heart melts just praying that he truely got help and was doing good things for himself. Will that day ever come?? We are cursed when we are mothers...it is hard not to be hopeful and believe in our children even when no one or other family has given up on them.

Be kind to yourself...

Judi

mamawx4 08/31/2010

I have done all that I can for her to try to help her and she refuses the help.Now my focus can be on my 2 grandsons whom I can help.I even tried to forgive her for doing drugs while pregnant with the boys but it gets harder and harder to forgive.Now it is time to stop forgiving and making excuses for her behavior.

She called my uncle who is also our pastor and ask him if I am not,as a christian, supposed to forgive everthing she does.He told her as her uncle it is even hard for him to forgive what she has done to her mother and her children.He told her that he has to watch his mother,my grandmother,cry everyday because she,my dd,gave away her gc and she will never get to see it before she dies.He told her that he had a hard time dealing with the fact that it was during one of his mother's crying sessions over her great-great grandchild that his mother had a heartattack 3 weeks ago.He told her that she had broken not only my heart but mother and my granmother's hearts too just because she wanted to hurt me and that everything she does to hurt me also hurts other people in the family too including him.Then he told her , as our pastor, that until forgiveness is asked for and the things that forgiveness is needed are stopped that christians are under no obligation to forgive.That Christ only forgives when we do those 2 things and we as christians are no different from HIM.

That really helped me because I had been struggling with not being able to completely forgive her for giving my gc away and some of the other things she has done.I know that the Bible says to turn the other cheek when someone hurts you but this helped me to see that sometimes you run out of cheeks and have to either stand and fight or walk away.With her I have had to do both,I have stood and fought and now it is time to walk away.

deleted_user 08/31/2010

WOW! Mamaw, thanks so much for sharing what your pastor said! I have always seen that the BIble talks of forgiving when forgiveness is asked for. There are other instances, like "wiping the sand off your feet" and times when Christ just left - that it appeared that, while Christ didn't hate, he also didn't forgive some things. The classic is the turning over of the tables in the temple. Some things are not to be tolerated. I have never heard of a pastor who took my stand on forgiveness. There are verses that speak of "being ready to forgive", but even now, I went back and checked, and nothing says we are to forgive anything or everything. We are to have a forgiving heart, be ready and open to forgiveness, and we are to treat those who use us ill with respect and love. But sometimes love must be tough.

Anyway, it was a great thing for me to hear of a pastor that agrees with me about forgiveness. So often the church teaches that it is a blanket thing, which makes Christians, and women in particular, susceptible to abuse. It is, IMO, one of the cardinal false teachings in "the church". It is THE teaching that kept me with an abusive husband long after I should have left and never held him accountable for what he did to me and the children. It is THE teaching that ultimately led my pastor and deacons to tell me I must stay even if he killed me.

I can't tell you how much hearing your post meant to me! {{HUGS again!}}

deleted_user 08/31/2010

The message you have posted from you pastor was wonderful. I agree with granny on the staying longer than you should have with the abusive husband. I stayed with my first husband longer than I should have....but I have head that certain religions are the way that you said Granny...my in-laws had told me that if a woman leaves or divorces her husband the church would turn them out. That doesn't seem very Christian to me...so I had turned away from religion for several years. I couldn't understand how a church or God could ask me to stay with a man that would be that mean to me and his children...

I am glad that I read this message today...I hope that everyone has a wonderful day..

jeanie

daisydduck 08/31/2010

I believe that forgiveness is letting go. I do not believe Jesus ever walked away from anyone. He just gave them the free will to make their choices. He also gave us the free will to do the same thing. We enable those we love in an attempt to forgive. As adults, we choose who will have an effect on our lives. I think everyone here has the desire to forgive their child but as adults, but cannot always condone the choices our child makes. I think you have let your daughter go to make her choices and that in itself is forgiveness. Not forgiving is holding negative feelings like hate in your heart which will only destroy you. You have let go and are focusing on loving your gc and meeting their needs. You said when you spoke to her on the phone you told her that you will always love her, but you do not like her. That is when you forgave her and gave her the freedom to take whatever course she decided. Now, you are forgiving yourself for the guilt you have felt as a parent because you know what happened to her is not your fault. Jesus has been by your side allowing you to come to this. Understanding that we cannot be responsible for another persons choices allows us to forgive and move on. Granny, for too long we have placed too much trust in our pastors, assuming they had the answers yet they are just like us and make mistakes too. I feel that on my judgement day, it will be me and God. I will have to answer for what I did. Therefore, I now listen to advice, pray, and make my choice.

mamawx4 09/03/2010

Daughter called again yesterday,it was her b'day.She said that she just called so I could tell her "happy birthday" and she knew that after the last time we talked that I wouldn't call her.I sat and listened to her and talked very little except when she said "I'm 24 now you know"I said "I know how old you are I gave birth to you." Then I told her that I needed an address to send her papers to sign giving up her rights to the boys so we can adopt.She said she couldn't give me the address where she is living but she would call me back in about a week and let me know where to send them.I told her that I would just start procedings to terminate her rights if I did not hear from her in a week and then I hung up with out telling her to have a happy b'day.

deleted_user 10/02/2010

I have also had it with my daughter using me as a door mat, i forgave her for using drugs during her pregnancy for all her screaming and yelling at me and verbal abuse, until she did it in front of J.J. and really upset him so much so that he had a nightmare and was screaming "no Mommy, no". She's done enough damage, 6 years of chance after chance, i had enough. I changed my numbers and no longer speak to her, my lawyer sent her a letter that to see J.J. shes to call supervised access and set a time and date.

Join the Conversation