Grandparents Raising Children Support Group
This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.
I have a pet peeve,..People seem to be very rude/show disrespect toward my absent daughter in front of my little one. They almost come across aggressively at times, asking questions and giving unprevoked advice...I believe they are trying to be supportive and shown their concern for me, but I believe that their unsolicited comments are belittling (toward absent daughter) and damaging to my little one. I always tell my little one that her mom is not well, but loves her immensly,..I believe this to be true. Developmentally, however, my daughter has struggles with ADHD and alcoholism and doesnt have the capacity to get well on demand. I would like to see her make more of an effort of course, but, growing up is a process not an event. I think that some days, I may wear the serenity prayer right out!,.. but it does really help me alot. Sometimes I feel that people are attempting to antagonize me out of what they see as passivity on my part,..when really, I just dont have time for unneccassary negativity, I have a full-time+ job and my little one needs whatever time I have left over to do the best job I can at being 2 parents-in-one! Does anyone else go through this type of sympathetic peer support?
daisydduck
Our daughter died of a malignant brain tumor 14 months after her son was born. She had originally had the tumor 8 years previous and they had declared her "tumor free". We enjoyed much happiness when she fell in love, got married and against all odds, got pregnant. However cancer cells love pregnancy hormones and they found some receptive cells in her brain and a tumor grew again, showing itself a week after she brought her son home. In two days she was given one in one hundred chances of living three days. As we shook with and shock, my husband the American Brain Tumor Association who had helped us find a protocol the first time. They operated again and we took her to Philadelphia to a doctor who had a 70% success rate. For nine months, our family worked together caring her young son and travelling with her for radical chemo. At the end the nine months, the doctor declared she was sadly in the 30% that he could not help. She came home and we went into hospice where a little bit of us each died with her when her son was 14 months old. As sad as this story may be, I feel she, and we, fought as hard as we could to beat the cancer. For some reason God wanted her and had given her back to us for a little while to say goodbye. Our friends and neighbors sent food, and of course, everyone was willing to take care of the baby. The did not, could not, understand the feelings of what we were going through but they tried to help. After she passed, we just tried to lick our emotional wounds which was helped by watching her son grow and the joy of a small child. Then it started. The remarks like: "I bet you wish you hadnt put her through all that chemo". Why wouldn't we? With a 70% success rate, we had great hope! We were even told we made the wrong choice in doing that. Then when her husband remarried and he and the new wife were abusing him and forbidding us to see him, we were told to "let him go", like we could turn away from the young child we had raised since birth. (The father was around but merely a witness to his child growing as he had no parenting skills at all.) I'm sorry for this long and sad post, but I want you to know that people can be ignorant and say really dumb things. I personally decided to walk away from these so called "friends". You do not need to explain. Just tell them you are now being a "grandmommy" because your grandchild needs you and if they comment on your daughter, tell them thanks for asking but you would rather not discuss such a personal question and say: "why do you ask?" Watch as their mouths drop open! You show great insight into your daughter's problems and you are doing the best you can, probably better than most of the people who make those comments! Keep doing what you are doing and God bless you for doing it!
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