Diana, some of it could just be three-year-old "no" stuff - defiance just because they've figured out that they can do it. They're now conscious of the fact that they can willfully manipulate grown-ups, so they try every trick in the book :-) His physical attack does seem a bit strong, though...

I'm sure you've tried ignoring him when he acts out? That seemed to work for us when our eldest tried it.

What's interesting is that it seems to be coming totally out of the blue - not after a recent visit. Could your granddaughter be telling him things?

Just wondering...

When my boy first came here he would throw similar fits. During a calm time we had a talk about how awesome our family is. How we love each other and help each other and take care of each other, etc. then I told him that when one of us throws a fit or fights or hits it drains energy from our family and we can't do all those awesome things for each other. Next time he started a fit I just calmly told him he was draining energy...he quit. Didn't always work but it was better than nothing! Any time they say they miss mommy, I say I do to and hug them.

3yr old are challenging for sure and no one likes to hear no, may just be normal 3 yr old stuff. Try and breathe deep!

I might try saying, "Since Mommy can't come, let's pretend I'm Mommy for today because I would like that very much. What would you like Mommy to do with you?" and see what he says. Then you can remind him that Mommy never wants her little boy to hit or kick or scream or say mean things because Mommies always want their children to use their words about how they feel and then you might start asking him questions to lead him into discussing how he's feeling. Are you tired? Are you angry? Are you sad? Why? I know, sometimes in a meltdown none of those things will work, but maybe ignoring it in the beginning like Sara suggests, until they settle down, and then try. Good luck!!! 3 yo's ARE tough sometimes. My GS is almost 5 & he's been pushing his limits withe me lately, too, and also at school yesterday at naptime. Maybe there's something with the moon this week!!??

Diana,

First, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know it has to be hard on both all of you.

We went through something similar, in the way of the No word and the tantrums beginning. When ours were younger and wanted something and were told "no" boy howdy did their tantrums start. What we learned was that they didn't like the word "no" (obviously). We turned the word "no" into the words, "We'll see." We told them that it doesn't mean yes and it doesn't mean no, but rather we'll see. To them it works and it instantly stopped the tantrums.

Our GS also used to cry for his "dad" when he didn't get his way or got in trouble. We told him that "We know you miss him and it's ok to want your dad but not just when you get in trouble. It's ok to be mad at your dad but it's not ok to take your being mad out on us." We explained to him that the only time he wanted his dad was when he got in trouble. We explained to him we love him and that we were taking care of him now and that he needs to listen to us. He understands now but in the beginning it was really rough. He too, used to kick, hit, throw things and everything else. This has all gotten better with out gc.

Our gs has also told us that he didn't want us or he didn't want us and wanted his dad. I told him, each and every time he said that, that it's ok if he didn't want us but we sure do love him and want him in our lives. After awhile, he got it because he just looked at me and said "I sawwy momma, I love you and want you too." I think for us, he was thinking that if he was "bad enough" (not that he's bad) we would not want him either and would send him to his dad. We told and tell them both that we are so happy that they are with us and we want them with us and we weren't going to leave them.

Their therapist told us that what I said to him was the right thing because through their abandonment issues, small children tend to think that their caregiver will leave them too if they act up too much. She also told us that these kids don't understand their anger or how to deal with it because they don't know how to act on it.

I hope this helps you.... and stay strong and hang in there.

My gs in 3 1/2 and when we didn't see his mom my daughter for a long time when he would get mad at me for saying no to something he wanted he would tell me he wanted grandma, my mother, that he hated me etc. Now that his mom is doing well and involved in his life again he cries for her when hes not getting what he wants, but she says that when hes alone with her and she says no he cries for me. So i think its the terrible 3's, our gs was such an angel till he turned 3 and then this behaviour started, they call it the terrible 2's it should be called the terrible 3's. My 2 kids were hell at 3 too, so i think this will pass for you. Good luck too you !!!

My GD who is 4 rarely mentions her mother, but about once a month she goes to bed and starts crying hard. When I ask her what is the matter she says I miss my Mommy and is my Mommy OK? All I can do is let her cry for a few minutes, then wash her face, hug her and tell her I love her. Then she is OK and says she feels better. I think it is just nature to want your mother, and there is really nothing you can do to make it better for them.

That is very sad, Mayanana. I really wonder how often these poor children are internalizing their worries about their bio parents. Just because they aren't talking about them outloud on a regular basis doesn't mean they aren't daily wondering about them. It's really heartbreaking. I know my oldest son has told me that he always wanted to know that his bio mom was okay. He always wondered where she was and what she was doing and always wished he could be with her and always wanted to feel like she loved him.

thanky you so much for all your replies. Great ideas and definitely helpful. The other day he (3yr old), started to throw a tantrum again and one look at my face (the scratch was still visable) and he stopped himself and hugged me and cried. I can't believe the depth of understanding a 3 year old can have. The fact that he stopped himself was amazing.