Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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BuffyS 07/20/2011

When I picked my granddaughter up from preschool yesterday, she was with a small group of other little girls. One of them asked, "Why do you always pick Isabella up? Where's her mommy?"

When I said, "Isa lives with me," the little girls started asking me all kinds of questions: "Why doesn't she live with her mommy?" "Does she see her mommy?" etc.

The literal truth is I am her maternal grandmother and her adoptive (legal) mother. Isa's mom is a 12 year old in a 25 year old's body, if you know what I mean. Immature, irresponsible, thus the adoption 2 years ago.

I'm embarrassed to say, I didn't really know what to say/how to respond. They seemed perplexed by anything I said. Anyone have suggestions or can tell me how you have dealt with these situations when your grandkids were very young?

SaraBT 07/20/2011

Since you adopted her, I'd just say "I'm her mom" and let it be what it is :-)

BuffyS 07/20/2011

My granddaughter calls me grandma, her teacher calls me grandma, so it's not that simple. When I tell Isa I'm both her mommy and her grandma, that confuses her. She'll understand things better in a few years, but right now it's clear as mud.

I registered her for kindergarten today and asked the office lady there if she sees a lot of grands raising grands. She said she sees it all--grands raising grands, two moms, two dads, etc. As with most things nowadays compared to the 60s and 70s, the definition of a "normal" or "typical" family is shifting dramatically.

Kat51 07/20/2011

I picked Tyler up from preschool when he was younger and a couple of girls asked me if I was his grandmother. When I said 'yes', they asked "Why do you pick him up? Why doesn't his mother pick him up?" I just answered that his mother lives far away (that was the truth - she lives 5 hours from us). They just said "Oh" and let it drop. It never came up again in all these years, and he will be 18 in two months. Sometimes, but not always, a long explanation invites more questions and keeping it simple works.

BuffyS 07/20/2011

Excellent advice, Kat. Thanks!

deleted_user 07/21/2011

you could also say that her mom is sick and unable to care for her, and it sounds like you wouldn't be telling a lie.

Bonkers2 07/21/2011

When I picked up my grandchildren at daycare the other day a little girl around 7 asked me "whose grandma are you?". I was definitely taken back and said "how do you know I'm not someone's momma?" Anyway I left there feeling pretty old LOL
I haven't been posting but I am still here and reading all your posts - What a great group of people. God Bless us all.

SaraBT 07/21/2011

Bonkers, that's funny! I always fear that someone will instantly know that I'm too old to be a mommy. HAHAHAHA!

BuffyS 07/22/2011

Being 54, I would never expect anyone to believe my 5 year old granddaughter is my child. Does she make me feel old? Nope, she makes me feel young! She insists that I play with her when my first inclination is to be a slug.

It did take me a while to reach this point emotionally. I cried when the adoption went through because I knew my husband and I will never have the freedom and privacy most people in their 50s and 60s enjoy. But it is what it is, and now I don't regret it at all.

deleted_user 07/28/2011

The other day my GS was playing with his cousin and the cousin said "what is your moms name?" he replied with my name. He always calls me nana but when someone asks wheres your mom he points at me. It warms my heart. I hope to adopt him to someday.

I would tell the kids next time "I am her mom" because you are.

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