WOW!!! Well I'm very sorry about your grandmom...I hope that she recovers quickly. My father had a stroke around the same time that I took my gs in. He is partially paralized and my Mom had to take a LOA from work, she was still working a 40 hr week and she is 68, so that she can take care of him. So I try as best as I can to help her with him. Not that I can be there as much as I would like but I call her every day so that she can vent. They haven't liked each other in years. She was actually trying to figure a way out of the marraige without having to give him half of the house and her 401 k b/c he messed up all the money for years. So she doesn't feel he deserves her's. He blew all of his 401k, started a biz without telling my Mom, suppose to be flipping houses but....he was buy property that was useless. Plus "lending" money to people and never ever getting it back.

I agree with you about the violence infront of the gs...my dghtr and her b/f have had violent fights in front of my gs also. The b/c has been arrested for either hitting his step mom or step sister. He has an anger issue and needs to get help.

I have come to the conclusion that I am an enabler. I will spread myself so thin that I am stressed and broke and going crazy. You need to take a step back and make sure that you take care of you other wise your not going to be any good to ANYONE!!!

I know that it is easier said than done...I am working on that now. I am trying to figure out a good balancing act to spending time with my 16 year old son that is still @ home, My parents and my gs that lives with me and the 2 that I watch. They spend the night Thurs til Sat. so that their parents can work. But then it leaves no time for me or my b/f.

I don't have a car, the motor is blown, right now so doing anything outside the house is hard. My boyfriend has no kids and goes to shoot pool 3 nights a week and on sundays he goes golfing. He lets me use his car and I am going to TRY to get together with my girlfriends to do a girls night. I end up staying up til like 1 in the morning so that I can have some alone time but then I'm tired the next day.

I will keep you in my thoughts today and hope that you can figure a way to NOT spread yourself too thin....

mamaw - WOW!!!

First, I am so sorry about your gs and gm - those two things in and of themselves are a full plate. I recently lost my uncle who was like a gf to my kids. I was caretaker of him and it was a hard time. Wishing your family all of the best during her sickness and praying for a full recovery for her and for your gs!

Is there any way you and your husband could sit down and discuss all of this and how HE could help YOU???

You are, IMO, way overcommitted.

I know, because I tend to do the same thing. All I can do is tell you what happened in my life (and actually continues to happen when I get back into the situation)

I got to a point in my life where I felt like I was literally carrying the entire world on my shoulders. I had to face some serious facts about myself (and these may or may not pertain to you - they are just the place I came to, and I post them here in a hope that some of what I learned might be able to help you).

Like jeannie, I learned I was an enabler. I was not allowing the people in my family (including my chldren) to take responsibility for themselves and suffer their own consequences. Once I realized this, a LOT of things changed for me. In re: to the kids - believe it or not, I took a lot of my inspiration from "Little House on the Prairie" and "the Waltons" and "Road to Avonlea". As dumb as it may sound, I felt these shows had a lot of good examples of child rearing in them. They are what I wanted to be as a mother. I'll tell you right now I definitely never attained Ma Walton, but I'm quite sure I did a lot better than I was in the direction I was headed. In re: to my husband - I stopped fighting. I let him have his anger. I broke the cycle. He ranted, he raged, and it went on for years without me raising my voice. Finally, it led to death threats and I had to leave. BUT, it was what I needed to do. We could not continue in the anger, abuse and control that we had lived in far too long.

Another thing I learned, that really hurt, but was something I had to face - noone in my family valued me as much as I valued them. Truth. Noone cared if I got sick. Noone cared if I got soaked or cold or overheated or even caught a cold. If they DID care, it was just because they had to make their own supper. Now, some of this is just being kids, but some of it was emulated by their father, and they followed his example. I didn't realize this one for YEARS. When I did, my first response was to feel sorry for myself - after I thought about it, I decided that I needed to take care of me because nobody else was going to! I attempted to make a little time and money for my needs. Not much, but just some for the basics, like clothes to look decent, and make-up, etc. Just these little things helped me to feel much better! That doesn't mean I went to Macy's for clothes. They were still bought mostly at Goodwill, but occasionally I splurge and spend some money on one or two new outfits or badly needed jeans when there is a sale at a mid-range store whose clothes I like and fit well. I also make it a practice now to not buy ANYTHING that does not look really nice on me, no matter how cheap it is - unless it is just a gardening or chore dress.

Another realization - and another BIG one was that I was codependent. WOW!!! This was soooo true. I would let people treat me however they wanted just to feel needed, basically. I didn't value myself at all. Oh, there were a lot of perfectly good and valid reasons for this, but bottom line was - I ALLOWED IT. This was a hard one for me. And codependency is a long and hard recovery. It's kind of like being an alcoholic - you never actually "recover" you just break free of the stranglehold. In fact, I made use of a program very similar to the 12-step program of alc. anony. to break out of my codependency.

Then came the actual implementation of all of this - how overwhelming, but also how freeing! It eventually gave me the freedom to leave my abusive husband (sorry - I can kinda relate to your gs and his gf - a lot of pushing and shoving went on in our household, even life threats. Sometimes if I didn't stand up to him, I know it would have gotten much, MUCH worse. I realize now it was not good staying, but I also knew and now KNOW it is not good being a single mom, either).

As you know by my recent posts, old behaviors still creep in and I have to haul them up and stomp on them! That is why I am soooo adamant about my ex not controlling issues with gs, like the visitation. It all has to do with the old codependency cycle, and I refuse to be drawn back into it.

So, that's my story. If any of it helps you even a little, I will be glad I shared. If not, well..... sorry it didn't.

Granny, you said everything perfectly.

In our case, we jettisoned the kids. They're old enough to live their own lives. If they can't make it on their own, tough noogies. We have Pinky's kids and my mother-in-law to worry about. That's enough.

We will never allow Pinky to live here again. There are shelters. There are the streets. She made her bed, we have her kids, and she's on her own.

Sara, one thing your post brought up in my mind - we can still love our kids, especially the ones that are not drawing the lifeblood out of us. The ones who are really trying. I have two ds's that are wonderful. I'm still there for them emotionally, but I can't be financially or even with my time very much. Of course, it's easier for the time issue now that the nearest one lives 1000 miles away :) But we can still talk by phone and I can still help them solve problems and still be a mom. But they need to run their own lives. In fact, they both rather resent when I even offer suggestions or try to help, now..... :P But the eldest helped me to see that I needed to care better for myself. Noone was ever going to do it for me. And that I needed to do it NOT just for my family - because they grow up and move away, but for ME, and the person God created me to be!!! I am more than my family! While they are an important part of me, I am still a wonderfully created individual. Same with a job. I think too often we lose sight of that.

Hang in there Janey. You are amongst friends.

Janey you are one tough lady you are the caretaker of everyone in the world except yourself. If you do not take care of yourself you will break. I have learned this the hard way. Don't ask the hubby for help, leave him a list and involve him, let him know you need and expect his help, this is a partnership not a sole parent party. then go visit your grandma and spend the time with her you may not be able to spend with her later. Good luck and hang in there.

Baby is doing better this morning so far.I checked on him when I got up and no fever.I had him back to dr yesterday and we did several tests [bunch of blood tests and a xray] and all was clean except his white blood cells are high.I have to take him back today if his fever spikes when he gets up they way it has for the last 4 days.The dr said that the only thing he can think of is taht maybe causing all this is that he has an infection under the cast on his leg and he is going to take it off today and check it.It is supposed to come off the 17th for good anyway so I don't think a couple of days is going to hurt anything.

I think the biggest problem with my son and his gf is that they won't get a job and get them a place of their own.They live with her parents and grandparents.They are letting everyone else support their baby.The gf has alot of medical issues amd probably shouldn't work but my son is just plain out lazy and don't want to work.I have told them both several times that they need to work and get them a place of their own but they just keep staying where they are and won't do anything for themselves and the parents and grands allow it.Its like they want to keep the kids there right with them and are happy to give them money all the time.I have tried to talk to the gf mother several times about it and she just brushes it off .She has even told me that it didn't matter if the kids work as long as they are happy.I get so mad at the whole family that I can't see straight.Now gf and son are at a friends house together trying to work out their problems,I guess.I just told them that i was sick of trying to help them when they refuse to help themselves and told her to go home or go back to him one but I was too tired to deal with it any more.

Glad to hear baby doing better.

I'm so glad the baby is better! PTL!!

As to other parents and grands - I have the same problem. They keep forking out money, let them stay with them, make them promises. They refuse to let them grow up. But I refuse to be an enabler, and they don't even come to me for money. They know better. They know that I brought ds up to take care of himself - he's had jobs since 14 when he mowed lawns to buy a brand new John Deere tractor and trailer and pd for it all himself!

He works, but he changes jobs every few months - I think his attitude and mouth get him fire, truth be told. He'd be just as well off if he went back to mowing lawns..... :P

Again, glad the baby is better and I hope they find what is the cause of the blood count so they can treat it! God Bless!