Grandparents Raising Children Support Group
This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.
We finally have started adoption procedings on the boys! When my older 3 found out that we had an appointment with our lawyer to get this started they asked my hubby if he would concider adopting them as adults[the oldest found out about adult adoptions on the internet and told his brother and sister about it].I thought D was going to cry when they asked him to be their father,too.I did cry!D never could have children of his own,now he will have 5,4 boys and a girl.I have never seen him so happy or more proud.He has always been more of a father to them than their own and now he gets to make it official.My hubby is very sick,terminally{sp?]but now he acts like he has a new lease on life.My kids truely adore him.There have been problems in the past between them but I don't think they have been much worse than if he was their biofather.
When we went for the appointment our lawyer explained all the processes to us for both types of adoption.When she explained that 'adult adoption'was more like the child divorcing it's father and taking a new one,D got very emotional again and left the room for a few minutes to get himself together.I think he is still in shock over the whole thing!
It's only gonna cost us the court fees and the new birth certificate fees because I grew up with our lawyer and she knows our situation so she waived her fees,so about $1200 for all 5 is great.It would have cost us that much for just 1 of them with anybody else.
When we went for the appointment our lawyer explained all the processes to us for both types of adoption.When she explained that 'adult adoption'was more like the child divorcing it's father and taking a new one,D got very emotional again and left the room for a few minutes to get himself together.I think he is still in shock over the whole thing!
It's only gonna cost us the court fees and the new birth certificate fees because I grew up with our lawyer and she knows our situation so she waived her fees,so about $1200 for all 5 is great.It would have cost us that much for just 1 of them with anybody else.
We have started a similar process, we are adopting Wil/Bug and in discussing that my husband's children asked if I would/could adopt them, in telling my daughter about adopting all 3, she was asked and accepted that my husband will be adopting her as an adult.
We have taken the petitions and consent papers to court and awaiting a response.
We have custody of our three grandchildren, who share our last name. In NJ, the custody is called "temporary" even though it lasts indefinitely. We can put them on our insurance plans, enroll them in school, and make all decisions (I'm not sure about moving out of state, but we don't plan to do that).
What would be the advantages/disadvantage of formally adopting them?
Hopefully someone with more knowledge gives more of an answer but I can tell you what I understand.
As for why we adopting our grandson:
When we went to court we were told by the Judge, there is no such thing is temporary custody (in Va), that the order he signed that day would stay in place unless or until one of his parents decided to go to court and file to get custody back.
For us the reason we are filing for adoption is, at that point the parents cannot come back 1, 3, 5 years or more down the road and decide the want to turn everyone's lives upside down by asking for custody; which in reality the court may grant because we never sited the reason we were asking for custody and the parents gave up willingly.
Also, if something should happen to either of us, with only custody in place, the parents could use that as their time to try to take their son back and I'd hate for either of us to loose our spouse and one of our children at the same time or at the very least have to fight to keep him during such a difficult time.
As for me adopting my step children:
Their Mother was abusive and abandoned them for 10 years, they have had no stability to from the female/mother figures in their lives. I want to give them a sense of stability and someone (a female/Mom) WANTING them. As well, if something happened to my husband tomorrow, their bioMom could show up and decide to take them and no one in their lives wants to see that happen; including their Dad.
Legally, we assume total and complete responsibility for all 3 children for the rest of our lives and no one (bio parents) can challenge or attempt to change our decisions.
Emotionally, it hopefully gives all 3 a feeling of stability, feeling wanted and belonging.
As for my husband adopting my 23 y/o daughter, it's more of a sense of security. For us, if something happens to both of us, she can stand in a care for her brothers and sister until our will is put into place, and it allows them to continue in the life and home they know until things are settled. Emotionally, it gives her a sense of belonging and feeling wanted (since her bioFather has NEVER been a part of her life in 20 years).
Your right, legally nothing really changes for us either, under the custody we take responsibility to medical care, have insurance, can enroll in pre-school, etc. However, in our case adoption offers an emotional security for all of them.
And should my husband die, all are eligible under his military survivor benefits; as well if I die, they will be eligible for my survivor disability benefits and if something happens to both of us while the children are under 18 between our 2 benefits, they should be covered.
Additionally, adoption would keep them together as a family, should anything happen to both of us.
As for your question: " What exactly does adoption mean? "
It just means that legally they are our children, with all the rights and responsibility as if I had given birth to them....without the pain of birthing. :)
As for the disadvantages:
In our case the only disadvantage is the financial support we could get from 3 people.
Although in our case, none of them have paid support to this point (10 years for the step children by court order and 18 months for Bug by gentleman's aggreement), Grant it, we like most I assume, could always use the financial support but since we are managing (even if it is paycheck to paycheck), I'd rather have the emotional security.
They step children have said, "It would be nice to be a real LEGAL family."
I'd forgotten that with temporary custody, any of the so-called parents could suddenly crawl out of the woodwork, seeking custody. And that would include one "father" who hasn't shown even one ounce of interest since my eldest granddaughter was conceived.
My husband's daughter will never get her children back, since there's virtually no chance she will ever get off drugs AND get her life into any sort of shape. She also signed them over willingly.
Her ex boyfriend ("father" to the two youngest) is in the same shape she's in, and has gone on to make three more kids -- so he won't seek custody. We're also on friendly terms with his mother, and she's 100% behind our raising the kids, and she sees them once in a blue moon (she lives 1,000 miles away). Hopefully that will never change.
Naturally, we haven't gotten a single, solitary cent toward child support for any of the kids. And the "father" of the eldest would have to pay 10 years' worth both to welfare and to us in order to even get into the game. So if he's smart he'll stay away. Same for the father of the two youngest.
I suppose we're OK with our temporary custody, because the longer it goes on without the "first" father showing up, the less likely he would get anything. Since he has totally and completely ignored the very existence of his daughter for 10 years, NJ would probably allow us to sever all parental rights. However, that's a time-consuming process and we don't want to even remind him that he has a daughter ;-)
I guess for now we'll just take it day by day...