Your best friend instead of a blood relative? Wow, it's good you have a lawyer helping you with this b/c usually it seems an aunt, cousin, the other set of grandparents would have the upper hand in a custody dispute.

We adopted our granddaughter and if anything should happen to both of us grandparents, we want our older daughter and her husband to raise our grand, not bio mom (my younger daughter).

Let me guess--is it the older of your two grands who dotes on bio mom? Our granddaughter is almost 6, her mother teased her to the point of tears over and over, broke lots of dates with my grand, etc., but to this day, my grand thinks biomom is wonderful (blech).

Have you and the kids been in any counseling? It's really helped us immensely.

If your daughters still using you won't be able to reason with her. I think it would be hard to appoint your friend as legal guardian if their are any other blood relatives that would want step in. I'm so sorry to hear about your health, so hard for you to think of not being around for your grandkids. Wishing you the best of luck, and my prayers are with you.

So sorry to hear about your health issues. I would pursue the adoption so that you can peace of mind and focus on your health. Your daughter may be angry with your decision but I think she lost the right to blame you for anything when she chose drugs over her children. She should be grateful for all you have done and are trying to do. I will keep you in my prayers.

Tell her what I told my daughter: Later on down the road, when you get your shit together, we can reverse the adoption. And this way, bio dad is legally out of the picture no matter what.

You can even be sincere in this offer, but you most certainly do not have to put it in writing. I told this to my bio and here we are two years later, where she not only doesn't want to think about adopting her own child back in the future; she can't even find the time to spend a full day with her once a week.

Tell her anything you can think of to get her to sign away her rights. She can't sign under duress, but that means you can't literally put a gun to her head. Anything else goes.

I tend to agree with everyone here, but especially Bray. Your dd did lose the right to blame you for anything and should be very grateful to you for raising her children instead of them going into the system.

I am thinking of you and your illness and hope and pray that things turn around for you.

Even if you adopt, your dd could challenge the courts and win back custody, no matter what your will states. I have been through this w my sister and my daughter. The law states that even if a married couple makes a will, the surviving partner can negate the will and decide where they want children and who they w see. If you adopt, the bio parent gets custody. You are wise to set up inheritance to go to gas so dd can't use funds for drugs. The custody issue is a problem however. Speak to your lawyer about setting up a trust w lawyer as the decision maker. This can protect money but also guarantee the lawyer w state who you want children to be with and can fight for children's rights. You can also stipulate your desire to have children w friend. Adoption is only part of the solution and I don't think it w protect your GC. My sil overrode will my daughter and he were and we had many legal problems. It was same thing w my sister.h

I think adoption is the BEST idea but what if you spoke with DD and told her of your plans to have your BF take custody of the GC when the time is right and assure her that the arrangement you and she has with her involvement with the kids will not change. Try to get DD and BF on the same page to avoid conflict so you can enjoy DD, GC and BF.

" If you adopt, the bio parent gets custody." Daisy, are you saying that when a grandparent adopts a child, if something happens to them, the bio parent automatically, by law, gets the child back? What if the bio's parental rights are terminated? Surely they cannot get a child back from whomever the adoptive parent has appointed in their will to be the guardian. Why do you feel an adoption wouldn't protect the GC? Once you adopted your GS, did something happen leading you to this conclusion? I'm confused.

Horsepad - I have been thinking about you. Sorry to hear about your cancer, keep fighting. I don't know what I would do. What does the lawyer say is your best option to protect the kids? I can't remember but is CPS involves in your situation? Maybe they can help get the kids setup with the friend instead of mom. Keep us posted.

The adoption takes all rights away from parents. However, I believe that if the gp dies, the courts w/consider parents first. As I said, both for my mother and I, after the mother's death, left the bio father the right to change will. We did adopt our gs which gave us parental rights but even though we stated in our will that our daughter s/get custody, there is no guarantee that the bio parent w/not fight and could possible win. That is why I suggested speaking to a lawyer regarding setting up a trust which could cover both financial and custody. I am not a lawyer but have been through it a couple of times with my mom and then me and husband. Remember that the Constitution does not state the role of custody but the courts "traditionally" honor the bio parent's rights. There is also the issue of whether the bio mother will allow gp to adopt. Point being that the bio parent has to be considered unfit by court or willingly sign away their parental rights. NO state has determined what a "fit" or "unfit" parent is so it is up to individual judge. Horsepad, I feel very bad that you must face all of this while fighting your cancer. The reason we raised our gs is because our daughter (gs bio mother) died of brain cancer. I can tell you that she was grade 3/4 and lived 7 years without recurrence after surgery and chemo. The reason it returned was because she got pregnant (against all odds) and cancer cells thrive on pregnancy hormones. Also, research has brought so much to cancer treatments and extended lives for many). You are clearly a fighter and I urge you to keep up your battle. Perhaps custody will not have to be an issue. Be strong. You have handled so much, I know you will make the right decisions. Prayers and blessings to you.

Just reread your post and see you have a trust. Wondering why the custody issue is not addressed in that.

When I was diagnosed I saw my attorney and was advised that it wouldn't be a problem for my husband to raise girls because we have been their parents. Unfortunately, my husband died and I had to find someone who would love to raise the girls. The bio dads are both violent, drug addicted criminals who are in and out of prison. No contact with girls. The bio dads family have never had contact with the girls.My daughter lives with a violent, drug addicted criminal who got out of prison less than 2 years ago and it looks like he is heading back. My sister, who lives 600 miles away said she would take them if she had to but I don't want them to have to leave here and live in a strange place away from everyone they know. My son and my exhusband (daughter's dad) plan on going for custody because their "blood". Neither are suitable for many reasons. They rarely have contact with the girls. My attorney told me the court considers previous contact with the girls. Just because family members are "blood" doesn't entitle them. The Judge considers who has had contact and who would provide the best enviroment. I am going to discuss with my attorney if adoption will increase the chances of my wishes being granted.

Daisyduck, I am so sorry about your daughter. How hard that had to be for you. I lost my sister to brain cancer. I pray I will be here to raise the girls. Custody and funds to fight for custody are addressed in the trust. I am considering adoption to bring a feeling of security to my youngest granddaughter who worries about having to move to her mom's and to add more security to my right to choose their guardians.

I am going to look into counseling for the girls and myself. They lost their great grandmother who they were close to and their "papa" in the last six months. They only saw their mom once in the last six months. We could all use help dealing with life.

Thank you for your kind words. I guess you and I belong to a club we really don't want to be in. You are wise to seek therapy. Children don't know how to handle it and may act out in frustration. If or when the time comes, I w consider hospice. it was a good choice for us and helped all of us through a difficult time. I'm sorry to hear about your sister. I lost my sister to Hodgkin disease when she was 34. She left four kids and her husband married a woman w serious problems. They took lids and moved to new Mexico. We reunited when they were adults. My mother lost her daughter and then her grandchildren. It seems that few think about what their decisions w do to kids. That is why I am glad you are thinking ahead for your GC. Again, prayers and blessings to you during this difficult time.

Does your daughter still have rights, or are they terminated? I also pray that you are able to adopt the girls and I would make sure that they spend a significant amount of time with this friend who wants to be their guardian should something happen to you. I would journal and document the time they spend together and make sure she & your attorney both know about it. I would also make the therapist aware so that he/she could speak up for you in court should it come to that. I pray that none of the people you just told us about are ever able to get their hands on those girls. I pray that the Lord give all of you a very special guardian angel during this very difficult time, & I pray you are able to stay healthy and strong enough to raise the girls yourself. Many, many blessings to you. May God lead you in the right direction and make the path clear & straight for you. {{{hugs}}}

Praying for the best for you.