We sort of went down the middle. We admitted to the kids that we'd rather not have to raise kids at our age, and that their "mother" should be doing it. But we balance it by telling them that we love them, and by showing that we want them here with us because it's better for them all around.

Personally, I'd rather have that issue out in the open, because kids pick up on the truth. I believe in dealing with things upfront, and since that could be "the elephant in the room" I want them to know that their situation isn't what God intended, but He's helping everyone make the best of it.

We really do feel that way, we love having our grandson with us, and have no regrets about raising him. I certainly agree that if you do not feel that way, you should not lie about it.

No child should grow up feeling unwanted under any circumstances, which is one of the reasons I broke off my relationship with my former fiance'. I didn't try to "talk him into it" or point out all the positive things we could've experienced in raising my GC together because I won't take ANY chance whatsoever that my GS EVER feels unwanted. I'll raise him alone for the next 16 years before I allow that to happen. I think it's very important that we tell these little ones on a daily basis how much we love them and how happy we are to have them in our home. I think I'd have to get professional advice on how to approach the subject if I were to start feeling like I really didn't want my GS in my home or if I started feeling too resentful. Those are normal feelings, but can really damage a child's psyche if not handled properly. I raised my former stepson for over 14 years, from under 2 yo to about 16. We went through some REALLY tough times and I wasn't a very good mom to him (no patience, easily frustrated, yelling, losing my temper, not showing him love). I realized it more and more the older I got & have apologized to him & made peace with him over it, but I still feel bad about it!! He's 26 now & still calls me "mom" & I'm thankful we got through it. So, I guess I'm just saying that I've been guilty of letting a child know I resented him being there & I know I hurt him & don't ever want to feel that way about my GS or make him feel the way I know I made my stepson feel at times. Kids need to feel like they're loved and wanted wherever they're at.

The point I was trying to make is that we need to TELL our grandkids that we really want them and are happy to have them and not just assume that they know it. Otherwise they could grow up thinking that we only have them out of obligation but no one in the entire world really WANTS them, which is how my friend felt.

I think in my family that this is a cycle that I want to break. I lived with my grandparents and my kids spent 3 years living with my parents and now i have my grandchildren. Never once were any of us told that we weren't wanted.

Yes as a child living in a 3 bedroom home one bedroom was grandparents and my older bother had his own room. That left 4 of us in one room. My Mom sister brother and my self all in one room. Things seemed different but we were loved by my grandparents and wanted. I wish now that I had appreciated my grandparents more then; now that I am older and understand the things in life that they gave up for us. But they were the best parents I could of ever had. Life was hard and we had to work. We lived on a farm and there were always chores to do.

Now i am told that the way I was raised is the old way and that I need to learn a new way. I think that i turned out to be a good person.

But most of all I want my kids to know that it is important to keep your family togather and be the best parent you can be. We teach that we are a family. The old one didn't work out very well but we went to court and asked the judge to give us a new family were we can all be happy. They are not just our grandchildren living with us they are our family.

No matter what we gave up or how much we miss the way that things could be we still love each other.. I miss my possible life and they miss there parents. But that doesn't make you a family. Love and caring does and that we what we have.

I agree that it's so important that they know they are wanted and loved. If we end up raising our gc, I will let him know that every day as I truly do love him and want him. I think he knows that even at this young age.

Kat51
What a wonderful gentle reminder. Thank you
We also feel that way and tell our gd that often.
We feel she rescued us from old age. Believe me there are times I wish I were old and could be just the grandparent. But she brings much joy and love not mention a new outlook to our lives.
Thanks again for the reminder It is easy to forget how the kids must feel sometimes.

Katie has always been told she is my special angel. She has asked me if her parents loved her. I told her yes, that they loved her enough to want her to be safe and happy. They knew they couldn't take care of her, and they knew that I loved her and wanted her with all my heart. They knew I would take care of her and keep her safe. I don't want her to ever think she was unwanted or unloved. I hope she knows how important she is to me. Lately I am most likely guilty of not telling her enough how glad I am that she is with me. I used to tell her more when she was younger. As I think about it now, I know I need to tell her more often. She is having so many problems right now that a lot of our time is taken up with dealing with everything.

I tell my gs that he is my special sweetheart and I constantly tell him how lucky we BOTH are to have each other.

Just this morning, he was talking about my daughter (last one) leaving for college in a week *cry* and he said we would be all alone. And I said, yes, but we have each other!

Nothing makes it more real than actually being alone vs. having the gs. I'd take him any day over being alone....ADHD and all. Now, talk to me when he turns 13.............. lol.

The hard part to me is helping him to understand that we are a LEGITIMATE family. That just he and I make up a family. And that we can be a family to each other. That one I find harder to do. *sigh*

I certainly agree with the OP - we need to let them know constantly that they are needed and loved.

Missy has abandonment issue from her adoptive's always farming her out every time they got a chance, of the adoptive mother leaving for 3 months to take a vacation with her girlfriends when Missy was 6, of my son not being there and from not knowing then about her bio mom.

When Missy first came to live with us I told her how much we had missed being with her over the years and how much we loved her. I showed her pictures of her first visit with us when she was 10 months, of her summer with us when she was 3 and all the other pictures I had been sent over the yrs.

I told her how sad it made us to have to take her back to Ind when she was little and how sad it made us again when she was 3 and how terribly happy we were that she was now back with us and this time to stay. I gave her a baby blanket that I had for her when she was here as a baby and she sleeps with it every night.
We went and found a baby doll that looks just like the doll I gave her when she was out here at 3, it also shares her bed each night, she even named it Ashley because the other doll was an Ashley doll.

Every day when I put her on the bus, I give her a hug, tell her to have a great day and that I love her very much. Each night as we tuck her into bed we remind her how much we love her, want her and are happy she is living with us. In other words we tell her numerous times a day, many more times than I've mentioned and it is truly a blessing to have her with us.

No, we certianly did not plan on raising a child in our late 50's, yes, we miss the quiet times, yes, we do get stressed since we have no family support here, no, we wouldn't change a thing about Missy being here, yes, we love her and no, she is never going to wonder if she is wanted again because she knows every day and in every way possible that she is home at last!!!

We wouldn't change a thing, either -- the alternative would be too much to even think about!

I think that sometimes you need to keep honesty from children because they are not ready to handle it. As I have said before, studies show that most suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorday and/or Attachment Disorder from the many losses they have endured in their young lives. They do not need to hear that you really didn't want them. Many blame themselves for the situation they are in, that perhaps mom and/or dad are gone because they were bad children. Go to examiner.com article on children grieving and read what the experts say. There is a term: brutally honest.....kids don't need that.

That is for sure, Daisy. And often times we don't, either. There are kinder ways to think and talk about things than being brutally honest. There is already too much hurt in this world.

For example "your parents didn't want them" could be translated to "your parents weren't grown up enough...." or "your parents were having too much trouble in their lives..." And always stressing that it was never, EVER the child's fault.

The children are going to have questions about why their parents aren't raising them, and we need to be ready to answer them. Brutal honesty is not a good idea, normally. But we can give them a kinder, gentler form of the truth. There are always two sides of an issue if we look at it from them both, we can usually begin to understand and then explain it from there.

I can't remember the quote. What is it? Something about with understanding comes wisdom???

Anyway, you are very right about being too honest! I agree!

My mother always said that if you don't say it, you won't have to take it back. As I grew up, I realized that attitude created no communication and my mom did not communicate well. However, I learned that you take a little of everything you are taught and you have wisdom. My gs was 14 mos old when his mom died. There were pictures around the house, not a lot, but her pictures were there. He was always a very intelligent child and he started to ask who his mom was and where she was. We always told him she was in Heaven with Jesus, looking down on him and smiling because she was so happy to have him as a son. By the time he was four, his biodad met whacko mom and she started with the brutal truth which only confused him further. The therapist we saw said that the biodad and whackomom were the children and gs was the parent! We never said anything bad about biodad or whackomom to him. When he said he hated her, we didn't correct him but we didn't add to it. We said we loved him, no matter what. While it was hard at first, we began to let go of the hate, realizing they were not at all happy. We saved our gs from their abuse and we set about making a normal life from him. When the letter came from biodad's lawyer stating he wanted nothing to do his son and we could adopt him, we only told him the adoption part. We did not want him to grow up knowing his dad didn't give a damn. He's almost 20 now and the damage done in a year by the two of them continues to haunt him. However, we have developed our little family and we have trust. We have a bond that will see him through the rough times of adulthood.