Grandparents Raising Children Support Group
This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.
This doesnt concern the 2 gc I have custody of but the other gs.I need advice on how to help my son who is his father.Here is the story and maybe you all can help me decide on how best to help him.
My youngest son,John [19 years old], has always had the dream of joining the Marines,but in his senior year in high school his gf became pregnant and he has put off his dream because she didnt want him to go and even has went so as to threaten to keep his son from him if he goes.He has always been crazy over this girl but he now says that he loves her but is NOT in love with her anymore.He has told me that she is extremely jealous and when ever he tries to get a job here she explodes and accuses him of cheating on her.I have heard her myself fussing at him because he refused to tell her it was me he was talking to on the phone.She sencors his phone calls.His biggest complaint with her is that she refuses to stop allowing her family to rule her and their child.An example of that is he had to have surgery last year and he needed/wanted her with him but her mother wanted her to come home and take care of her,she went to her mother.This girl is so afraid that her family will be mad at her that my son and their child comes second to them.They always come first no matter what even if the baby has a dr appointment she will cancell it for them.She doesnt want them to have a house of their own because she only wants to live with her parents even though the place is not fit for a child to live in.The last time I was in the house there was molded food on the floors.My son has told me of huge rats and spiders being in there as well and of even finding a rat in the baby's bed with him eating the nipple off its bottle.DCS has been called several time and yet nothing has been done.
This is what my son wants to do:He wants me to come get him and take him to the recruiting office so he can enlist without her knowing.He plans to tell her after its too late for her to talk him out of it again.Then after he goes to training and is stationed somewhere he wants to give her the chance to either marry him and live on base with him and their son or he wants to pay for me to fight her for custody so that his son will not be living in all of that.He also wants me to oversee any child support he pays for the baby because he is afraid that she will turn it all over to her mother and the baby wont see any of it.
This is what I think about it all: I think he still loves her and wants to be with her and his son. He just wants to start a life with her without her family so involved with it.He wants to follow his dream and have his family too.He is tired of coming second to the woman he loves.I dont have a problem with taking my gs in because I agree that he doesnt need to be where he is now but I hate to see it come to that because I love his gf like my own child and I dont want to hurt her.
My question is how can I help them? My son is very unhappy at this point and I dont know what to do.Should i HELP HIM DO WHAT HE WANTS TO DO?
My youngest son,John [19 years old], has always had the dream of joining the Marines,but in his senior year in high school his gf became pregnant and he has put off his dream because she didnt want him to go and even has went so as to threaten to keep his son from him if he goes.He has always been crazy over this girl but he now says that he loves her but is NOT in love with her anymore.He has told me that she is extremely jealous and when ever he tries to get a job here she explodes and accuses him of cheating on her.I have heard her myself fussing at him because he refused to tell her it was me he was talking to on the phone.She sencors his phone calls.His biggest complaint with her is that she refuses to stop allowing her family to rule her and their child.An example of that is he had to have surgery last year and he needed/wanted her with him but her mother wanted her to come home and take care of her,she went to her mother.This girl is so afraid that her family will be mad at her that my son and their child comes second to them.They always come first no matter what even if the baby has a dr appointment she will cancell it for them.She doesnt want them to have a house of their own because she only wants to live with her parents even though the place is not fit for a child to live in.The last time I was in the house there was molded food on the floors.My son has told me of huge rats and spiders being in there as well and of even finding a rat in the baby's bed with him eating the nipple off its bottle.DCS has been called several time and yet nothing has been done.
This is what my son wants to do:He wants me to come get him and take him to the recruiting office so he can enlist without her knowing.He plans to tell her after its too late for her to talk him out of it again.Then after he goes to training and is stationed somewhere he wants to give her the chance to either marry him and live on base with him and their son or he wants to pay for me to fight her for custody so that his son will not be living in all of that.He also wants me to oversee any child support he pays for the baby because he is afraid that she will turn it all over to her mother and the baby wont see any of it.
This is what I think about it all: I think he still loves her and wants to be with her and his son. He just wants to start a life with her without her family so involved with it.He wants to follow his dream and have his family too.He is tired of coming second to the woman he loves.I dont have a problem with taking my gs in because I agree that he doesnt need to be where he is now but I hate to see it come to that because I love his gf like my own child and I dont want to hurt her.
My question is how can I help them? My son is very unhappy at this point and I dont know what to do.Should i HELP HIM DO WHAT HE WANTS TO DO?
1. "I have heard her myself fussing at him because he refused to tell her it was me he was talking to on the phone." -- my first reaction was "why doesn't he tell her he's talking to his mom?"
2. He wants you to pick him up and take him to the recruiting station? Gosh, Mamaw, I have no other way to say this, but if he wants to be a Marine...
3. He can't pry her away from her family -- that's her issue to deal with on her own. Therefore, nobody can pry her away and since she has legal right to the child (along with him), he's the only one who could make a move.
IMHO he needs to grow up and handle this himself.
PLEASE don't take my ideas the wrong way! :-0
GMaWillie,Ihave already suggested he will need to see a lawyer but he says that he needs to have a steady income 1st and he is probably right about it.
Why would they need to know that he took the car to enlist? He could drive there, enlist, and be home before they ever found out. I don't think they take you that very minute...
I'm wondering if you're getting the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth...It sounds to me like he wants you to completely bail him out which, of course, is your choice...
Because they both are very young and immature they have a really hard time understanding what it takes to keep a relationship together and to be good parents at the same time.
After he has accomplished these things, then he could enlist and place the care of his child in your legal gaurdianship while he is away. This doesn't mean that the girl shouldn't have rights with her child.
Is she a good mom? Is the child healthy and well cared for in her care? These are important questions. If the child is well and safe in her care, then why doesn't he simply apply for his parental rights (shared parenting) and you fill in if he joins the service?
Enlisting now sounds as if he's running away from some issues he really needs to deal with. He created these issues so they're his to address, with support from you, of course. Enlisting now only adds another issue to an already complex sounding situation.
My daughter is VERY mature, disciplined and literally a work-aholic. She has a full scholarship in a private college, has been on the dean's list every semester, and works TWO jobs and is head RA in her dorm. SHE thought she wanted to join the Marines, so we went and talked to a recruiter, and by the time he was through, she knew she would never be able to handle it!!!!
Now the army or even air force would be different (my other daughter was in the Air Guard). But the Marines are the best of the best, and it sounds like your son needs to work on himself a little before attempting this.
HOWEVER, that said, I also believe that it needs to be HIS decision. I would have him talk to a recruiter. Tell him you will take him, but only on the condition that he does not enlist that day. That he talks to the recruiter and goes home and thinks about it for - say - one week. Then you will take him back to enlist if he still feels he wants to. Personally, I would also add the condition that he also talk to an Army and Air Force and National Guard and/or Air Guard recruiter. In the Guard, they go through the same training, but do not have the huge commitment of time. They still keep a job and he'd still have his family. He could relocate or go active duty at any time.
Once he has seen all of these, then I would tell him I would take him to whichever one he decided on, if any. My oldest was in line for a congressional appointment to a military academy, but she also decided she was not committed enough to follow through, and she went in the Air Guard and was in it for 9 years!
The choice has to be his, but you can help him to see more options and insisting he consider them all.
IMO only. As always, I am not there in your situation and only you can know what you should do!
{{{{HUGS}}}}
The greatest challenge a woman has is to be like "Mary" trust there is a plan, we raise and support our children to be part of "the plan".But remember, even Jesus needed an earth mother.