Hi, I can't tell you what to do but I can relate a similar situation. My dd, too, is a recovering addict and also did crack while pregnant. Hospital officials & DCF took the babe at birth. Meanwhile, I'd had custody of her first-born for 3 1/2 years (now for 5 years... he is almost 11). She, too, went to jail for a time and then went into intensive residential rehab. She's been clean & sober for 18 months, and is currently living in half-way preparing to go to a sober-living community. However, I understand through the grape-vine that she has resumed a long-distance relationship with a not-so-upstanding citizen. (not gs's bio). She has achieved reunification with infant, though, now 19 months, and has full-custody back with DCF approval. I've also been somewhat stand-offish with gd as I've had the same fear that dd would leave another with me. I've also told my dd that I will not accept her relationship with any of her former cronies with whom she did drugs. Now, different problem: I fear she wll attempt reunification with gs. And I fear she will have an excellent chance... after-all they gave her back an infant! I've contacted a lawyer for advice, one through work (it's one of my "wellness" benefits and he doesn't want my business) and he indicated that it would be a total up-hill battle if I wanted to fight to keep my gs. I asked if I should put a lawyer under retainer and he said no, not until she actually makes some kind of move toward getting the gs back. I feel my best course of action at this point is to stay on her relative good-side and maintain contact and cordial relationship. The bios have both maintained contact through the 5 years (sometimes intermittently) and I have allowed gs to meet his half-sister and so have I. I think my path needs to be to wait and see. I will, for the present, allow limited visitation when my dd comes back to the area (she is currently 2 hrs away but plans are for the sober-living to be closer.) I feel the same... that this 2nd child is still my gd. But I simply can't raise her and sure hope it doesn't come to anything like that. I don't know what will pan out with it all. I do think that if you think it's DANGEROUS for the gc of whom you have custody to be around your dd and the bf you should limit contact to supervised visitation. If it is not inherently and evidently dangerous, then I think you might rethink it and allow greater contact. How old are the girls you have and do they know their sister? I also don't think visitation should be considered any kind of reward for anybody. The children you have, if you haven't adopted, and putting aside any kind of parent's rights, have the right to know their parents as long as it isn't dangerous. That's my take on it all. Don't know if any of this applies; I don't know the "right thing" for you; only for me.

It is a very hard decision. I am assuming you have guardianship?

All I can say is, like others have told me, you have guardianship because YOU are the best ones to make the decisions for the child. You have to do what you think is best. You are the one that will have to live with the decisions.

If I did give her visitations, personally, I would start out with supervised visitations at my home or a public place, like a park or McD's at a set time, once or twice a week, for several months. This will give you a chance to see if they are really willing to work on the relationship or not. If they stick with it without you reminding or constantly changing the arrangements, then maybe you'd feel more confident about making further decisions.

It also will give you a chance to observe them, their behavior with gc, how they interact and what they look and act like. eg- are they staying clean?

But that is just what I would do, and I don't know your circumstances completely. Only you and your hubby do. You will make the right decision. You, hubby, and the gc you are raising are YOUR family and you need to protect them. You will make the best decision for them! :)

God Bless!

One of your biggest problems is that you aren't going to have any way of KNOWING whether or not she AND the boyfriend are both clean. You can't tell by seeing them for short periods of time. You would have to constantly supervise both of them; following their every move - OR they would have to give your proof of clean drug drops from some reliable source. Even then; I always wonder how many get by with fooling those tests.

Considering the bf has a long criminal history, I wouldn't allow any unsupervised visits around the bf. When you listen to the media or pick up a newspaper and read the stories about little kids being beaten to death or molested, MOST OF THE TIME, it's by these stupid girls' boyfriends. It's always been one of my biggest fears concerning my GS going back to his bio Mom; that she would end up allowing some bf to hurt him.

Stick with supervised visits with your daughter. The bf doesn't NEED to spend time with your Grandchildren.

thank you everyone for replying. My dd gave me full custody of the girls. I couldn't imagine having to worry about losing custody. She has always been allowed to see her girls at my place but rarely does because "she doesn't have money for gas". I have to give her gas money to visit them. how sad. I don't think the girls would be in danger of physical harm. I will definately drug test my daughter. I have tested her twice since rehab because she wanted unsupervised visitation and she failed the first test and passed the second one a few months later. When I told her how happy and proud I was that she passed she said "well I'm trying to find a job and most places want a drug test so I have to stay clean". Not the reason I wanted to hear but still glad she was clean. I have not tested her since but would not allow unsupervised visits without one. I may allow an afternoon visit at her place during the holidays and readdress the situation after the first of the year. I don't want to be around bf at all and worry he may steal from me since he has a history of theft. I always hope she'll change but realize the chances are slim. My daughter was raised in a loving stable home but has always been attracted to drugs and the wrong crowd. She dropped out of high school when she turned 18 and has never been responsible. The two girls I am raising have different fathers, both in prison.

horsepad omgosh I just read ur story You are so blessed to have had ur daughter sign over custody to you!and I agree no unsupervised visits exspecially if bf is involved,I wish the states would tell these bios DONT bring ur bf or gf to your visits with your kids,not necessary;the bio should be the only stable visit in that childs life ortherwise I think it just confuses the child,we all know that bf or gf can come and go!RIGHT?

The only time Pinky is allowed unsupervised visits is if she's at our home for the weekend and we have to run to the store :-)

Under NO circumstances is a boyfriend permitted to even see the kids, let alone spend time with them. The kids have had enough strange men in their lives. Pinky's newest boyfriend drives her 45 miles back and forth to our home and drops her off down the road. The children have never set eyes on him and will not.

The only way the kids will ever see one of Pinky's men is if she is officially engaged to be married to him.

Your dd w/have the upper hand in court. You w/have to prove she is unfit and that is next to impossible. Maintaining an open relationship w/dd is important. Somehow you need to make her understand how well the gc are doing with you and how devastating it w/be to take them away from you. Just let her know how well they are doing in school, friends, they have, etc. The lawyer doesnt want your business because he knows how costly custody cases are and most people can't afford to pay. Your dd may be able to care for the one child, but she may be overwhelmed by three and return to bad habits. Also, important factor: crack cocaine babies I have been told all have some form of brain damage, no matter how small and behavior and learning are affected. This may give the courts a reason to keep gc w/you if they are doing well in your care. The longer they are with you and doing well, the stronger your case for keeping them. Hubby may be right in that you have your hands full presently. Count your blessings and keep visitation to a minimum and try to keep it in open place.

Another thought just occurred to me, Horsepad.

We are so busy raising our three other grandchildren that it's next to impossible to relate to our other three grandchildren the way we would like to. We see them once a week or so, and the kids all play together and love each other, but we just don't have the time, the means, or the opportunity to take them places, keep them for a week at a time, etc. etc. etc.

We do what we can, and I find it SO sad that our relationship with our three grandchildren -- who are being raised properly and lovingly by their bios -- will never know us the way they know their "other" grandparents. But thank GOD they have our daughter-in-law's parents around so much. At least they will know what it's like to have loving grandparents.

Our gs was 10 when our second gc was born to my daughter. She had another two years later and they worship the ground my gs walks on! He is quick to tell anyone that these girls are the best thing that ever happened to him! They call him by his first name but introduce him as their uncle. They know that we adopted our gs after his mother's (our daughter) death and subsequent terrors when his bio dad remarried. We adopted him and he calls us mom and dad. The girls are old enough now that they know of his abuse at age 4 to 6. Point is: we are family. To some I am grammy, to others mom and to one I am Daisy (have to read my first book: Has Anyone Seen My Daisy?). I watch as my dd's in-laws attempt to control their grandchildren's lives in the name of love. They don't mean it but that is all they know to do. We had to learn to share, but out of this sharing has come a bond that is special in its own right. My gd's both w/call me if it's been awhile and say: "grammy, I miss you!". We take life as it comes they know that we love them just as much as other gp's and recognize that it is not the amount of time or money spent that creates that special bond between grandparent and grandchild. You love each one just as much as the other and that's what you tell them. Tell baby as she grows how much you love her and that you are always there if she needs you. One day you may be able to help her through the unfortunate circumstances she lives in.