Hi and welcome! Sorry to hear about the #3 GD. But you know sometimes you have to ask where will it end? So I can also understand your DH point. But I can imagine how hard that is for you too.

If you don't know the ages/sex of the other kids there in the foster home, how about a gift certificate so the foster mom can pick something out for them? Or get something small and unisex like a couple coloring books/crayons. Those you can find pretty cheap and all kids seem to enjoy coloring. Depending on their age of course. I too would feel a bit funny only sending something for my grandchild if there are other kids there.

Welcome, cj!

I agree with nanna that a gift certificate would be a great idea.

As for the third grandchild, I can only tell you this: My husband and I will be in our 60s in a year or so. I don't know why this is, but raising two children would be a challenge. Three are beyond anything you could imagine.

Had we raised two before the third came along, I believe I would have put my foot down and said "no." We got all three at once five years ago with an hour-and-a-half's notice so we had no choice. Fortunately Pinky (my husband's daughter) got her tubes tied after that third.

I don't know why it is that three are SO VERY HARD to deal with, but they are. When one sleeps at his or her cousin's, we can tell the difference immediately. I've heard that the fourth balances it out again and makes life easier, but I surely wouldn't want to find out :-)

So don't beat yourself up. At our ages this is no picnic, and I think your husband made the right choice. (But that's going by our experience and relationship, of course :-)

I give you grandmommy's so much credit for raising 2 and 3 grandkids at a time, i only have one J.J's he's 2 years old and thats enough for me. My husband and i have discussed this already and agree that if she has another child that we would want the child adopted to a loving family. So many young couples are out there with good homes just waiting to share their lives and hearts with a child. A very good friend of mine adopted 2 children brother and sister, when they were 6 months and newborn, and those kids have made their lives worth liveing and they have wonderful lives. It would be hard but the most wonderful gift.

Deep breathe and let your heart direct. Gifts are not only of monetary means. One of my patients who was 91 years old was distraught. He wanted to give all his grandchildren a Christmas present, didn;t have much money but wanted them to know he cared. I suggested he go to McDonalds and buy each of them a 5.00 gift card as "all" kids love Happy Meals. He had 15 grandchildren to buy for and was so happy to give "each" a gift from him. He died a week ago.
There is no "pass or fail" in gift giving. Each gift is truly a gift of heart and soul whether it be a gift of material value or intetions and prayer.
I am in awe of your trust and faith in GC #3 being where they need to be. Praying I don't have to be tested to know the answer, 2 are enough for me right now.
Above all , don't lose your sense of humor, could think of many statements right now that you could relate to, instead.. I'll send a hug.

I have raised 2 of my grandchildren since birth and adopted them over 2 years ago. 4 years ago I received a call asking me to take third grandchild. I could not raise another child with medical needs. She took him home from the hospital at birth and wanted to adopt. We always send Walmart gift cards for birthday and Christmas so she can buy anything the family may need and send her pictures of his brother and sister. She sends us pictures of him a couple times a year. It was a very hard decision but 4 years later I know it was the right one for the children.

What wonderful, poignant stories we share on this site!

cjfern, I loved the suggestions everyone gave you. I think they were great!

My ds and bio mom are much the same as your daughter. Here today, usually when they want something, gone for 3 or 4 months at a time, often without even a phone call. I see my ds maybe twice a year if I'm lucky. This year he won't even come home for the holidays.

To me this is symptomatic of addiction. I may be wrong, but I do know that withdrawal from friends and family is a big signal to watch for. Of course, he blames it on us = that we're not sticking up for him, loving him, believing him. Unfortunately, I don't stick up for him or believe him. His whole life I tried to teach him that trust is something a person has to earn. That I can't believe someone who consistently lies. I guess I taught him wrong, because he never "got" it.

If you dd is an addict of any kind, my guess is she's gone because she's using and doesn't want you to see. But that's just a guess on my own experience.

And this all is the hardest thing I've gone through in my entire life. My heart aches every single day, not only for ds, but for gs and myself and even for his sisters, who are wonderful kids, and for all the people who ds is involved with.

I made a note on my journal after one of his calls "here is the picture of a lost, angry, confused soul". And my heart hurts, literally, for all of us.

If you don't know particulars about the other children, how about giving your gc a gift certificate to a moderately priced restaurant and include a card that tells her to take her foster siblings and the parents out to dinner. Even if it is a bunch of McDonald's certificates, it acknowledges your interest but does not differeniate your gc from the rest and encourages the "family" environment to your gc.