Gay Parenting Support Group
Gay parenting has been an important issue over the past few years. Over 34% of lesbian mothers have at least one child residing in their home and 22% of gay men have at least one child living with them. Together there are 6 to 10 million gay parents that are caring for between 6 and 14 million children.
I'm 20(female) and a bisexual and I'm planning on sitting my parents down this August and coming out to them.
- I know there will be no perfect way to tell them but could you guys give me some suggestions on things i should and shouldn't say.
2 other factors: I want my sister in the room to sort of be my support since this is going to be hard to do, she's known for about 4 months now but i'm still iffy on whether to bring her into this because then they will know we have both been keeping it a secret from them.
the other factor is eventually the question will arise "Have you dated a girl?" in my case the answer is yes... she was my best friend in high school and she died our graduating year.Our relationship was and still is a secret I can continue to bare the secret because i think the truth will hurt them too much..
thoughts and opinions would be greatly appreciated
- I know there will be no perfect way to tell them but could you guys give me some suggestions on things i should and shouldn't say.
2 other factors: I want my sister in the room to sort of be my support since this is going to be hard to do, she's known for about 4 months now but i'm still iffy on whether to bring her into this because then they will know we have both been keeping it a secret from them.
the other factor is eventually the question will arise "Have you dated a girl?" in my case the answer is yes... she was my best friend in high school and she died our graduating year.Our relationship was and still is a secret I can continue to bare the secret because i think the truth will hurt them too much..
thoughts and opinions would be greatly appreciated
Let me start by saying I am sorry on the loss of your best friend.
I am not a parent of a gay child, that I know of (my daughter is 2). I am however a lesbian woman and I remember coming out to my family very clearly so I will offer you my experience and thoughts and wish you well.
I was 20 when I came out to my family as well. I was terrified to come out to my mom. She was always very loving and supportive of me as a child and I didnt want to disappoint her. I didnt want her to feel like my being gay was her fault. I was so afraid to say the words that I ended up writing her a letter telling her I was gay. I gave her the letter and sat there while she read it. The entire time it took her to read it I was so scared. When she finished she looked at me and asked me if I thought this would change how she felt about me. I answered with I hope not. She told me that she loved me and always would. We hugged and cried. She has never questioned me about my sexuality. She has never asked if it was a phase, she just offered her unconditional love and support. I am lucky and blessed and I thank God that I got a loving, supportive mother. Now 13 years later when I went through a difficult breakup from my ex partner of 11 years, my mom was one of the first people I reached out to for support.
Now that you know my experience, here are some things you should and shouldnt say
-You should tell them that this is not a choice, it is just who you are. It is very important that they know that this isnt something you decided.
-You should also tell them that nothing they say or do can change this about you.
-You should tell them that you love them and that you need their love and support, and that you want them in your life
-You should tell them that you respect them and their opinions (especially if they have strong opinions of sexuality), and you would like their respect of your opinion.
-You should tell them that this isnt a phase.
-You should tell them that this isnt their fault. That nothing they did or could have done would change things.
-You should be clear with them about what being bisexual means. Honestly as a lesbian woman I dont understand everything about bisexuality as a lifestyle. My interpretation would be that you find yourself attracted to both men and women and would be in a relationship with either a man or woman. That is my interpretation and you may view your bisexuality differently. You need to be clear to your parents what being bisexual means to you. You are young and I am not sure if you are looking for a long term relationship, but you should be clear to your parents that when you are ready for a long term relationship you could be with either a man or woman. They need to know that you may be bringing home either a man or woman to meet them at some point.
-You should tell them that you arent telling them this to shock them, that you are telling them because it is an important part of who you are and you dont want to keep it from them.
-You should ask them how much they feel comfortable knowing going forward. I am not saying you tell them about all your sexual exploits, but you want to be able to tell them about this great person you are dating be it a man or woman.
I dont think there is anything that you shouldnt say. As for having your sister in the room, I think it is a good idea. However maybe you could take a different approach. Just tell them that there is something that you want to tell them all. Maybe you could talk to your sister before hand and ask that instead of her being on your side when you tell your parents, ask that she be supportive. When you tell them, she could say something like its your life and I love you sis, and I will always be here for you. You parents might be taken aback by your announcement, but it might be easier for them if they see your sister supporting you. If your parents take it harder, your sister could even say something to them along the lines of sis needs our support, lets be there for her. She can be your ally without your parents knowing she has known for months. I am not saying lie to your parents. That is a choice you have to make, I just dont think you have to announce to them that she has been in on your secret.
As for your parents asking if you have dated a girl before, you can be honest with them. Tell them yes you have. If you dont feel comfortable telling them who it was, there is no need. Just tell them that there was a girl and you know that it is more than just her and that there may/will be more girls in the future. You dont need to go into all the details of your love life with them. Just be honest and try to answer their questions the best that you can.
Also, I am not sure how religion plays into your familys life but if it is a factor you should be prepared for them to bring it up. One if the things I always tell people when they bring up that being gay is a sin, is that lying is a sin. I tell people that being gay is who I am and that I didnt have a choice. The only choice I had is to live my life openly and honestly or to live my life as a lie. What is the bigger sin? I cant answer that, and so far no one has be able to answer it for me, but it does make people stop and think.
Now for my words to you. Be honest with yourself and your parents about who you are and what your sexuality is. As I have said I dont really understand bisexuality as a lifestyle. I want you to know that I am not questioning your sexuality or judging you. I think there is room on this planet for all of us. I try now to judge, because I know there are those that just me because I am a lesbian. I also know that some people say they are bisexual because it is more easily accepted than being gay. Because of this I would ask that you take the next couple of months to really think about who you are. If you are ready to tell you parents then I am sure you know who you are and what you want out of life. I would just caution you to be completely honest with yourself and your family. They may have more questions if you come out as bisexual now and then change your mind later. The same can be said for coming out as gay and then entering into a bisexual or straight relationship. What I am really saying here is what I have said before. Be honest with yourself and your family. Honesty now will make your future easier.
Know that no matter how it goes with your family you will have the people hear as a support system.
Good luck and keep us posted on how it goes.