Gay Parenting Support Group
Gay parenting has been an important issue over the past few years. Over 34% of lesbian mothers have at least one child residing in their home and 22% of gay men have at least one child living with them. Together there are 6 to 10 million gay parents that are caring for between 6 and 14 million children.
My wife and I have been together now for about 9 years. When we met she had a daughter whose father was, and still, not involved at all. Over the years we have had our struggles and separated a few times but managed to work out our issues.
My 11 year old step daughter, whom I see as my own, and I have had a wall between us for a while now that we are trying to tear down. I think the issue stems from the last time my wife and I separated... SD had mentioned often that some family members were bad mouthing me and telling her I had no right to her. When my wife and I reconciled our differences this attitude had developed and hence our trouble.
A while back, I had taken my SD's nintendo ds from her as a punishment. I clearly stated why and when she would get it back, she would have to lose the bad attitude and do what I asked her to do. We are still working on this issue, I honestly think it's just her age and wanting to test the waters. I just found out that my wife gave her ds back because it was game day at her school. No one mentioned this to me, I found out while I began looking for the game.
This is not the first time that my wife has over-ridden my "authority". I feel like I am just a baby sitter with my daughter. I am trying to teach her responsibility and respect, and it really hurts me that my wife went behind me. I think this sends mixed messages to our daughter. She once told me that if I tell her no she just asks her mom and usually gets her way. I have had discussions with my wife and daughter about this, and have expressed how damaging I believe this behavior can be. Anytime I try to talk to my wife about why I think it's wrong, I get painted the mean step mother who beats her "red-headed step child". I believe this is why my daughter has little respect for me. It is a constant struggle with homework, attitude, and daily chores. My wife is the sole bread winner, so I am at home with our daughter most often. My wife tells me that I am riding our daughters ass too much, that I don't reward her for good behavior. I do praise and reward her for all her positive accomplishments, and I believe she should be punished for negative behavior. I sit down and have intensely intilectual convo's with our kiddo. I love her so so very much, and just want her to have every opportunity to succeed at what she does.
I am so very torn. I don't want this issue to tear our family apart!! I just don't want to feel like this. I honestly don't know how to fix it. Please help!!
My 11 year old step daughter, whom I see as my own, and I have had a wall between us for a while now that we are trying to tear down. I think the issue stems from the last time my wife and I separated... SD had mentioned often that some family members were bad mouthing me and telling her I had no right to her. When my wife and I reconciled our differences this attitude had developed and hence our trouble.
A while back, I had taken my SD's nintendo ds from her as a punishment. I clearly stated why and when she would get it back, she would have to lose the bad attitude and do what I asked her to do. We are still working on this issue, I honestly think it's just her age and wanting to test the waters. I just found out that my wife gave her ds back because it was game day at her school. No one mentioned this to me, I found out while I began looking for the game.
This is not the first time that my wife has over-ridden my "authority". I feel like I am just a baby sitter with my daughter. I am trying to teach her responsibility and respect, and it really hurts me that my wife went behind me. I think this sends mixed messages to our daughter. She once told me that if I tell her no she just asks her mom and usually gets her way. I have had discussions with my wife and daughter about this, and have expressed how damaging I believe this behavior can be. Anytime I try to talk to my wife about why I think it's wrong, I get painted the mean step mother who beats her "red-headed step child". I believe this is why my daughter has little respect for me. It is a constant struggle with homework, attitude, and daily chores. My wife is the sole bread winner, so I am at home with our daughter most often. My wife tells me that I am riding our daughters ass too much, that I don't reward her for good behavior. I do praise and reward her for all her positive accomplishments, and I believe she should be punished for negative behavior. I sit down and have intensely intilectual convo's with our kiddo. I love her so so very much, and just want her to have every opportunity to succeed at what she does.
I am so very torn. I don't want this issue to tear our family apart!! I just don't want to feel like this. I honestly don't know how to fix it. Please help!!
deleted_user
Have you talked to your wife about this? I have 2 children from a previous relationship, and my children's father is very much in their lives. My wife is my partner. Icould never imagine disrespecting her in that way. It doesn't matter that they are my biological children, she is their mother too. Maybe you should tell your wife how its hurting you. I cant imagine that if she realized it hurt you that she would continue to undermine you.
deleted_user
I don't want to be rude, but this situation angers me a little bit. This is absolutely wrong, and horrible for all three of you. If she expects you to have a hand in raising her, then you two need to sit down and discuss what parenting limits you are going to have. She wants you to watch her all day and do the work of parenting, but then have the final veto if she doesn't like what you say, and that's not how a partnership or co-parenting works. Either you're a parent or you're not, and she needs to figure that out. If you ARE supposed to be a parent to this child, then your partner should never undermine your authority - especially in front of your daughter. That causes lack of respect in the child, and shows lack of respect from your partner. I would strongly suggest counseling, both for you as a couple and you as a family. This could turn into a much bigger issue as she reaches the teen years, and you want to nip this in the bud now.
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