Gay Parenting Support Group
Gay parenting has been an important issue over the past few years. Over 34% of lesbian mothers have at least one child residing in their home and 22% of gay men have at least one child living with them. Together there are 6 to 10 million gay parents that are caring for between 6 and 14 million children.
I was recently outted to my parents as being a lesbian. I had previously been in a relationship with a man for over 7 years and we have a son together who is now 7 years old. We broke up almost 2 years ago and during that time I met my girlfriend. My parents are upset about my sexual identity. Im hoping with time they can be understanding (I just came out to them less than a week ago). One of the things they are concerned about is how this will affect my son. They have gone as far as saying I will traumatize him. I have gotten the same response from his father who is very angry and hurt that I am dating a woman.
I initially brought my girlfriend around my son over a year ago and introduced her as a friend. He loves spending time with her and they quickly bonded. When his father found out I had someone who presented as more androgynous around his son and suspect I may be romantically involved with a woman he demanded I not to have her around my son. At the time I was afraid and complied but after sometime I started to bring her around and told him he cant tell me who I can or cant have around my child as long as he is safe . Now with the incident that resulted to me being outted which included a confrontation between my girlfriend and my sons father he doesnt want her around him once more. He is very angry at the moment and I have decided not to have my girlfriend around my son until things deescalate.
I guess my question is was I wrong for bringing my son around my girlfriend in the first place? How long should I keep her away? If my son were to eventually know about the nature of my relationship with her will be hate me as others have suggested?
Sorry for all the questions but I am just very confused and would appreciate any advice or feedback from others who have experienced similar situations.
I initially brought my girlfriend around my son over a year ago and introduced her as a friend. He loves spending time with her and they quickly bonded. When his father found out I had someone who presented as more androgynous around his son and suspect I may be romantically involved with a woman he demanded I not to have her around my son. At the time I was afraid and complied but after sometime I started to bring her around and told him he cant tell me who I can or cant have around my child as long as he is safe . Now with the incident that resulted to me being outted which included a confrontation between my girlfriend and my sons father he doesnt want her around him once more. He is very angry at the moment and I have decided not to have my girlfriend around my son until things deescalate.
I guess my question is was I wrong for bringing my son around my girlfriend in the first place? How long should I keep her away? If my son were to eventually know about the nature of my relationship with her will be hate me as others have suggested?
Sorry for all the questions but I am just very confused and would appreciate any advice or feedback from others who have experienced similar situations.
I am going to be open on my thoughts on this, however I will say that I have not experienced what you are going through and my feelings come from a different place due to the fact that my daughter was born while I was in lesbian relationship. Because I came out long before my daughter was born and I came into parenting from a same sex relationship that didnt work out I see this a little differently. When I came out my family was all very accepting and loving, at least to me. I am sure some of them had plenty to say behind my back, but no one ever said anything negative to me. Yes, I know how lucky I am. I will also say that I live in a very progressive community where there is a large LGBT community, so while I am aware that some people have issues with LGBT people I dont have to interact with those people on a daily basis, so I dont have an issue with that.
Now my take on your questions. I dont think you were wrong to bring your girlfriend around your son and I really dont think you should keep her away. Keeping your girlfriend separate from your son after they have bonded is going to be hurtful to both of them and confusing to him. He is going to wonder why she keeps coming in and out of his life.
Based on your post it feels like you are letting your ex and your parents make your decisions for you on this issue and the only person who should be making decisions on who is in your life and by extension your sons life is you. Yes his father has some say in who HE brings into his sons life, but his father does not have a say in who YOU bring into your sons life. The fact that your ex and your parents have an issue with you being gay should be separate from you parenting your son. Your ex can have an issue all day long with you being gay, but as long as you are a good, involved parent and your son is safe, healthy and thriving your ex cannot dictate who you have in your life. I will caution you on introducing people to your son too soon. My personal rule is I have to be dating someone for at least 3 months before I will introduce them to my daughter, and 6 months before I will allow my daughter to spend time with them. I am very protective of my daughter and do not want her to get to close to someone in case the relationship doesnt work out. In terms of your ex, I do have one question to you, have you had an issue with the women your ex has brought around your son, and if so how did you handle that?
As for if your son is to find out about the nature of your relationship, I think you should be honest with him ASAP. If you plan to continue the relationship with your girlfriend, or have a future lesbian relationship in the event this one doesnt work out, you need to be very honest with him in an age appropriate way. He is your son and if your relationship is strong, he is going to continue to love you regardless. And yes I think you need to tell him ASAP, especially since he is around his father who has an issue with the fact that you are in a lesbian relationship, and if he is to spend any time with your parents who are struggling with the news of you being gay. He is going to hear things from them, possibly negative things about how being gay is bad and how you are gay and he may start to think you are bad if he is hearing that from other important people in his life. In my opinion, what all kids regardless of having LGBT parents or not need to hear is that being LGBT is not bad, just different. I know it is hard when there is all this drama going on, but try to remember that he is your son, that you have raised him and have a loving relationship with him. He loves you as his mom and unless there are major issues, (abuse or neglect or choosing a gf over him) he is always going to love you as his mom. And think about it like this, if you show him that being gay is okay he will be one more person in the world who is on our side. I especially think it is important for him to hear positive things about LGBT people given the fact that his father has an issue with you being gay.
As for your parents, not everyone is as lucky as me. Trust me I know plenty of people who have had it a lot worse. I say give your parents some time. You have known you are a lesbian and been in a lesbian relationship for over a year, they just found out. One of two things will happen. Either they will see you as the same daughter you have always been and realize that you are still a good person and learn to accept you and your future partner, or they will never truly be able to accept you. I dont know the nature of your relationship with your parents prior to them finding out you are in a lesbian relationship, but if it was a positive relationship, then I see no reason why you wont be able to get back to that once they have had some time to adjust. If you have had a close relationship with them in the past, you may suggest they look into PFLAG. PFLAG has helped many parents of LGBT people adjust and accept their gay children.
One thing I think you should look at is the confrontation between your girlfriend and your ex. You didnt go into detail about it, and I dont need the details, but I am wondering why there was a confrontation between them. I am sure there are some hurt or angry feelings on each of their parts, but the relationship between you and your ex and between you and your girlfriend should be separate. Unless you are all sitting down together to work things out or to try and get along better I dont see why they should be confronting each other. All this is going to do is make everyones life more difficult and add unneeded stress to your sons life.
Good luck. I hope everything works out for you.
I am sorry you have to deal with such negativity from family and from other adults in your child's life. He needs to be able to talk about it, and to hear your perspective in a way he can understand. And possibly be able to talk about and hear from you why other adults like his dad are upset. It is hard to find that balance, and at that age would depend a lot on the individual child how much they want/need to know. But he certainly knows something, so at least making it clear that he can ask questions and get honest answers I think is important.
Good luck, I hope things have calmed down for you.