Gay Men's Challenges Support Group
This community is dedicated to the challenges that gay men face, both between the partners in a relationship and from other influences (family, society, etc.). Find support and talk to others who may be facing the same challenges, and share your experience.
Hello, I'm Steve and wrote a post on here the end of August about being hurt and devastated from a painful discussion I had with my new partner of 2 yrs. He is 27 yrs my junior, and it's been a very rough past few weeks. He had said some very hurtful things during a heated discussion we had, leading me to believe that he never really loved me, only liked me as a friend and I felt used and hurt.
Well, we have had many discussions over the past few weeks and we both have discovered, that we both really do love each other. Also thru some conversations have cleared up some mis understandings from our original blow out. I also have to admit, I am a bit of a drama queen, over sensitive, and tend to read a lot more into meanings of words than are intended. Especially from a 25 yr old man who, is brand new to a committed relationship, brand new to learning how to be considerate and to live as a "partnered" man. I was previously partnered for 31 yrs, and went thru all this young, selfish stuff before with first partner, and it took a good 10-15 yrs for us to really get that we were committed to each other, and to stop being selfish and put our partners needs before our own. New partner and I have had several very tearful conversations on both our parts, and have discovered that his feelings are more legitimate and genuine than he or I realized. He is in the closet, and we have discovered that this is effecting us more than he or I realized. We are still living together while he pursues a job, gets on his feet financially, and we have cleared the air. I feel a lot better about him and our relationship, and we are both giving it time. We are not calling ourselves broken up right now, are still committed to each other, as far as not dating anyone else or pursuing any outside relationships. We are just lovingly being kind to each other, helping each other with our lives tasks, I'm helping him to get up on his feet financially on a limited basis, and we are spending a lot of time with each other, as kind, affectionate friends. In my heart of hearts, I believe that our relationship will probably not work out in the long term, as partners, but, we may end up as dear friends. But again I'm not closing the door 100% because he is making changes in his behavior, without me asking him too. He now goes out of his way to turn off his phone when we are spending time together, he checks in with me on our schedules and is more considerate and caring of my time and our time together. He is taking the initiative to assist me more around the house with chores, thanking me more for the things I've been doing for him for the entire 2 yrs, but it tells me he is really looking at me and appreciating what he has, and is truly considering what he wants. I am too. We have told each other we really love each other, regardless if we stay together as a couple, I feel it in his embrace, his affection now, he has stopped seeing certain people on his own, without me asking or mentioning anything, just because he knows they are not good for him, and he is making better choices of who he spends time with. He has completely stopped smoking weed. I never asked him to, never mentioned that it was bothering me, however, I had shared with him in our early weeks together during dating that my former partner was a pot head and I really got tired of it.
There is also a problem on my part sexually, that I haven't figured out yet, that bothers my new partner. Makes him feel inadequate, or that I'm not really attracted to him. I have not been able to climax with anyone since my first partner passed. As I mentioned, I was with him since the age of 16, he was my first date, my first love, and we had a tremendous sex life together. About 2 yrs after he passed, (I had not had sex in over 4 yrs at this point) I started to get horny, think about sex a lot, started to masterbate again, and then thru a friend, discovered online sexual hookups. After a month or two, I went crazy, hooking up quite often, (for me that was 3-4 times per month). I found some regular nice guys, that I began a long term "relationship" with, just for sex only" mostly married men, who enjoyed sex on the side with men from time to time. I saw one beautiful guy regularly for over a year, weekly, just for sex. It was very hot, enjoyed it intensly, however, I was never able to climax with these men. Then I got tired of the hookups, meaningless sex, and wanted more. My new partner and I met on a sex hookup site, but both had in our profiles that we were tired of the meaningless sex, and we're looking for something more. When he and I had sex, it was very hot to me, I would come very, very close to climax, however, never could ever pop my cork! I have no problem at all climaxing with masterbation, however, with new partner, have never once climaxed at his service. Usually what happens is I get very close, he climaxes, then I masterbate with him and get off with him pinching my nipples, or his face in my crotch. But in our past conversations he has mentioned that it bothers him that he can't get me off on his own. He wishes he could orally satisfy me to completion, or other things. I think it has something to do with my grief or loyalty, or something to do with my first partner. Anyway, we are both continuing our conversations, really looking at each other in a "is this really the right guy for me" type of way. Trying to decide if we are better partners or friends. Everyone take care
Well, we have had many discussions over the past few weeks and we both have discovered, that we both really do love each other. Also thru some conversations have cleared up some mis understandings from our original blow out. I also have to admit, I am a bit of a drama queen, over sensitive, and tend to read a lot more into meanings of words than are intended. Especially from a 25 yr old man who, is brand new to a committed relationship, brand new to learning how to be considerate and to live as a "partnered" man. I was previously partnered for 31 yrs, and went thru all this young, selfish stuff before with first partner, and it took a good 10-15 yrs for us to really get that we were committed to each other, and to stop being selfish and put our partners needs before our own. New partner and I have had several very tearful conversations on both our parts, and have discovered that his feelings are more legitimate and genuine than he or I realized. He is in the closet, and we have discovered that this is effecting us more than he or I realized. We are still living together while he pursues a job, gets on his feet financially, and we have cleared the air. I feel a lot better about him and our relationship, and we are both giving it time. We are not calling ourselves broken up right now, are still committed to each other, as far as not dating anyone else or pursuing any outside relationships. We are just lovingly being kind to each other, helping each other with our lives tasks, I'm helping him to get up on his feet financially on a limited basis, and we are spending a lot of time with each other, as kind, affectionate friends. In my heart of hearts, I believe that our relationship will probably not work out in the long term, as partners, but, we may end up as dear friends. But again I'm not closing the door 100% because he is making changes in his behavior, without me asking him too. He now goes out of his way to turn off his phone when we are spending time together, he checks in with me on our schedules and is more considerate and caring of my time and our time together. He is taking the initiative to assist me more around the house with chores, thanking me more for the things I've been doing for him for the entire 2 yrs, but it tells me he is really looking at me and appreciating what he has, and is truly considering what he wants. I am too. We have told each other we really love each other, regardless if we stay together as a couple, I feel it in his embrace, his affection now, he has stopped seeing certain people on his own, without me asking or mentioning anything, just because he knows they are not good for him, and he is making better choices of who he spends time with. He has completely stopped smoking weed. I never asked him to, never mentioned that it was bothering me, however, I had shared with him in our early weeks together during dating that my former partner was a pot head and I really got tired of it.
There is also a problem on my part sexually, that I haven't figured out yet, that bothers my new partner. Makes him feel inadequate, or that I'm not really attracted to him. I have not been able to climax with anyone since my first partner passed. As I mentioned, I was with him since the age of 16, he was my first date, my first love, and we had a tremendous sex life together. About 2 yrs after he passed, (I had not had sex in over 4 yrs at this point) I started to get horny, think about sex a lot, started to masterbate again, and then thru a friend, discovered online sexual hookups. After a month or two, I went crazy, hooking up quite often, (for me that was 3-4 times per month). I found some regular nice guys, that I began a long term "relationship" with, just for sex only" mostly married men, who enjoyed sex on the side with men from time to time. I saw one beautiful guy regularly for over a year, weekly, just for sex. It was very hot, enjoyed it intensly, however, I was never able to climax with these men. Then I got tired of the hookups, meaningless sex, and wanted more. My new partner and I met on a sex hookup site, but both had in our profiles that we were tired of the meaningless sex, and we're looking for something more. When he and I had sex, it was very hot to me, I would come very, very close to climax, however, never could ever pop my cork! I have no problem at all climaxing with masterbation, however, with new partner, have never once climaxed at his service. Usually what happens is I get very close, he climaxes, then I masterbate with him and get off with him pinching my nipples, or his face in my crotch. But in our past conversations he has mentioned that it bothers him that he can't get me off on his own. He wishes he could orally satisfy me to completion, or other things. I think it has something to do with my grief or loyalty, or something to do with my first partner. Anyway, we are both continuing our conversations, really looking at each other in a "is this really the right guy for me" type of way. Trying to decide if we are better partners or friends. Everyone take care
The solution may not be to eventually have them make you climax. the solution may be to explain that it is just the way you are constructed and that it is no fault of theirs. Tell the person you enjoy sex very much and it does not hurt a thing if you finish yourself off with your hand. This is no onus on your partner. You have to emphasize this. If he still doesn't get it, see a counselor together to make him understand.