Gay Men's Challenges Support Group
This community is dedicated to the challenges that gay men face, both between the partners in a relationship and from other influences (family, society, etc.). Find support and talk to others who may be facing the same challenges, and share your experience.
Hi All
I am trying to get some extra guidance from objective people. Please
try and support and not judge.
My partner had an emotional affair 5 years ago. We were going through
some major issues at the time and I never thought I would be able to
forgive him. In the end, I did.
I promised myself NEVER to do that to anyone.
However, last summer, we had some discussions in regards to "opening
our relationship", which included anything but sex (i.e. making out
with others). We have been together for 8 years and at the time we
were feeling very dull and communicated our feelings. We both agreed
that having sex with others was out of the question. He went away for
a month to have some "time for himself" due to issues he was dealing
with his family, his life, and our relationship and we both agreed
that opening things up would be ok.
My thing is that I have grown up with a lot of self-esteem issues. I
found the love of my life at 21 (my first real relationship). I am 30
now and he is 28. We have never been with anyone else.
Long story short - I made the biggest mistake of my life. I was out
with friends at a bar one night and I ended up having too much to
drink. There is NO excuse for what I am about to say. I had a one time
affair with a stranger and had him back at our place. We were
intimate. I will spare any details, but it almost lead to sex. Why did
I do it? Perhaps out of anger for him leaving - still no excuse. I
went a little too far based on what we agreed on. All in all, I felt
very discusted when it happened and I told the guy to leave and he was
not happy (for me not having sex with him).
Regardless, I had confessed my part to my partner after he had arrived
home. He was ok with it. However, a month comes down the road and he
deny's us ever having "that conversation before he had left". I told
him that I had felt horrible about it and that I am being completley
honest with him. I then felt like a complete idiot by trying to tell
him "no thats not what we talked about".
Here is the catch - it has been one year later. I did not devulge the
entire story to him. I confessed to him as to what I did - but what I
did not do was tell him where it happened - and it makes me sick to my
stomach the fact that I had another man in our house.
For the most part I am fine, but sometimes, this wave of "anxiety" and
negativity comes back into my life and I find it very hard to deal with.
I haven't told anyone about this except my loving parents. They both
feel I am being too hard on myself and that I am not going to get
better until I "snap" out of it. I am sorry, I can't help being a
caring person - this eats away at me so much!
I just can't tell him - it will end everything! I feel so fucked up!
I am trying to move forward with this - but I know that telling him
the details now of the "extras" would just make him very upset.
Althogh I am so tempted to tell him, I know it is mostly to "ease my
conscience"...however, I don't think this will make us closer!
We own a house together and we are common law - with two cats so that
makes it hard. Am I paranoid??
I have even written a confession letter in case he finds out through
someone eles that I had someone over. I listed the "whys' as to why I
didn't say anything. However, I feel like shit finding out now from a
close friend of mine that this "guy" told one of my ex friends about
our ordeal. This conversation was also a year ago and nothing has
come about it.
Even though I have confessed so to speak, I still feel very ill and
not worthy as a person. I have gone through councelling, support
groups - I am a good person with a good heart - although I have not
"hurt" him as he says, I feel like I have really hurt myself. I no
longer speak to my partner about what I am going through now because I
feel that it is my bridge to fix since I have brought it upon myself.
Perhaps I am being too hard on myself??
I just recently got hired in a new position with a great company, we
are working hard on our relationship with other issues that we are
working on. The sex has been a major issue (pretty much non-existant,
maybe twice this year?). I just feel like I have all these issues -
and now I am thinking about leaving him and moving on with my life to
give him a life that he needs and deserves?
Anyone been in a similar situation with someone who actually has
remorse and a conscience and actually wants to move on with their
life? I am going to see my doctor tomorrow and I need some serious
help and feedback before I loose my mind!!!
Thanks!
I am trying to get some extra guidance from objective people. Please
try and support and not judge.
My partner had an emotional affair 5 years ago. We were going through
some major issues at the time and I never thought I would be able to
forgive him. In the end, I did.
I promised myself NEVER to do that to anyone.
However, last summer, we had some discussions in regards to "opening
our relationship", which included anything but sex (i.e. making out
with others). We have been together for 8 years and at the time we
were feeling very dull and communicated our feelings. We both agreed
that having sex with others was out of the question. He went away for
a month to have some "time for himself" due to issues he was dealing
with his family, his life, and our relationship and we both agreed
that opening things up would be ok.
My thing is that I have grown up with a lot of self-esteem issues. I
found the love of my life at 21 (my first real relationship). I am 30
now and he is 28. We have never been with anyone else.
Long story short - I made the biggest mistake of my life. I was out
with friends at a bar one night and I ended up having too much to
drink. There is NO excuse for what I am about to say. I had a one time
affair with a stranger and had him back at our place. We were
intimate. I will spare any details, but it almost lead to sex. Why did
I do it? Perhaps out of anger for him leaving - still no excuse. I
went a little too far based on what we agreed on. All in all, I felt
very discusted when it happened and I told the guy to leave and he was
not happy (for me not having sex with him).
Regardless, I had confessed my part to my partner after he had arrived
home. He was ok with it. However, a month comes down the road and he
deny's us ever having "that conversation before he had left". I told
him that I had felt horrible about it and that I am being completley
honest with him. I then felt like a complete idiot by trying to tell
him "no thats not what we talked about".
Here is the catch - it has been one year later. I did not devulge the
entire story to him. I confessed to him as to what I did - but what I
did not do was tell him where it happened - and it makes me sick to my
stomach the fact that I had another man in our house.
For the most part I am fine, but sometimes, this wave of "anxiety" and
negativity comes back into my life and I find it very hard to deal with.
I haven't told anyone about this except my loving parents. They both
feel I am being too hard on myself and that I am not going to get
better until I "snap" out of it. I am sorry, I can't help being a
caring person - this eats away at me so much!
I just can't tell him - it will end everything! I feel so fucked up!
I am trying to move forward with this - but I know that telling him
the details now of the "extras" would just make him very upset.
Althogh I am so tempted to tell him, I know it is mostly to "ease my
conscience"...however, I don't think this will make us closer!
We own a house together and we are common law - with two cats so that
makes it hard. Am I paranoid??
I have even written a confession letter in case he finds out through
someone eles that I had someone over. I listed the "whys' as to why I
didn't say anything. However, I feel like shit finding out now from a
close friend of mine that this "guy" told one of my ex friends about
our ordeal. This conversation was also a year ago and nothing has
come about it.
Even though I have confessed so to speak, I still feel very ill and
not worthy as a person. I have gone through councelling, support
groups - I am a good person with a good heart - although I have not
"hurt" him as he says, I feel like I have really hurt myself. I no
longer speak to my partner about what I am going through now because I
feel that it is my bridge to fix since I have brought it upon myself.
Perhaps I am being too hard on myself??
I just recently got hired in a new position with a great company, we
are working hard on our relationship with other issues that we are
working on. The sex has been a major issue (pretty much non-existant,
maybe twice this year?). I just feel like I have all these issues -
and now I am thinking about leaving him and moving on with my life to
give him a life that he needs and deserves?
Anyone been in a similar situation with someone who actually has
remorse and a conscience and actually wants to move on with their
life? I am going to see my doctor tomorrow and I need some serious
help and feedback before I loose my mind!!!
Thanks!
Although I've never been in your position personally it seems to me that you have a great deal of guilt sitting on your shoulders. Which is understandable. Maybe the best thing for you to do is to be honest of forthworth and tell him what really did happen and then let the chips fall where they may.
You mentioned that he was the love of your life but do you truly love him? I don't see it mentioned anywhere. You're too busy blaming yourself and beating yourself up. I feel that you need to do some serious soul searching and find out what your true feeling are for him and try to find out his for you.
I've seen a lot of couples stay together for many reasons other than love. But you seem to desire the physical relationship a great deal and that's okay, but it seems as if he has no desire. Sorry, but there is something not right there. I know things slow down after a while but once or twice a year is pretty bad in my book.
Sit down and write the pro's and con's about your relationship and ask him to do the same and go from there. You may have run your course and it's time for both of you to move on. As difficult as that can be it will be best in the long run for the both of you. No point in being together just to stay together if there is no love.
You're in my thoughts and prayers. Remember that you are loved and valued. If you need me let me know, I'll be here for you.
I was just thinking no matter what I tend to worry about anything! I just finished making a large list of all of my positive attributes and have been reading them out loud! It really helps! Its all about self worth and I do feel a bit better already.
Bringing up the past, as most of you said, isn't a worthy thing to do. I will continue to work on myself, and really try and be present minded oriented. I will do my homework - sometimes it is just nice to get objective opinions so I don't feel like I am a totally crazed individual!
My main problem is that I am too honest, sometimes too brutally honest and that can cause problems. I grew up with a single mom who really set me up to be that way.....all I can really say now is that it is what it is, work on myself, daily, one step at a time, and the chips will fall where they may.
thanks again ! :)) "