Gay Men's Challenges Support Group
This community is dedicated to the challenges that gay men face, both between the partners in a relationship and from other influences (family, society, etc.). Find support and talk to others who may be facing the same challenges, and share your experience.
So as you may know from my previous topic, my boyfriend of 4 years and i broke up 3 days ago.
Today was my first tear free day... until he texted me. He was desperate to see me. I firmly but kindly told him I didn't think it was a healthy thing to do right now. He asked when it would be. My reply was, "Not never", but definitely for a while, so we could both heal. He said he understood and that he is going to get help to work through his issues to be a better person for himself and for me. I told him I was proud of him and will be rooting for him, but I won't put my life on hold for a maybe. I said I don't know if we do or do not have a future together, but that I'm going to do my best to go on without expectations. His texts ended there.
Did I do the right thing? I don't want to give him false hope and as of now I consider myself single and him my ex. If down the road he can turn himself around, yeah, I might be open to it. I'm not planning on it though. Today was a good day for me, I was able to genuinely smile and keep busy. Although once he contacted me it sent me into a horrible anxiety attic (tensed, dizzy, light headed, nauseous). I suppose he will have that hold on me for a while until my body, mind and heart can let him go a bit more.
Also, the word is starting to get out. Our friends were pretty much exclusively his friends who became my friends. But three have reached out in hopes of cheering me up and letting me know that our friendship is still valued. So although there might be some awkward maneuverings, it's heartening to know my entire social circle wasn't completely dismantled.
I'm starting to get excited to do things again. I'm looking forward to rediscovering lost hobbies and trying new things. It will be a while before I'm out of the dark, but for the first time, being single doesn't feel so terrifying nor a mark of failure.
I still worry about him, he has a long road to personal recovery, but I do think that if I have to, I can let him go. I will always have a place in my heart for him (he was my first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first... other things), and I want him to have every thing he ever wanted out of life. However, I'm starting to be ok with the idea that that list may not include me. Untangling your identity from a long-term partner is hard, but I think it's getting easier.
Here's to more good days.
Today was my first tear free day... until he texted me. He was desperate to see me. I firmly but kindly told him I didn't think it was a healthy thing to do right now. He asked when it would be. My reply was, "Not never", but definitely for a while, so we could both heal. He said he understood and that he is going to get help to work through his issues to be a better person for himself and for me. I told him I was proud of him and will be rooting for him, but I won't put my life on hold for a maybe. I said I don't know if we do or do not have a future together, but that I'm going to do my best to go on without expectations. His texts ended there.
Did I do the right thing? I don't want to give him false hope and as of now I consider myself single and him my ex. If down the road he can turn himself around, yeah, I might be open to it. I'm not planning on it though. Today was a good day for me, I was able to genuinely smile and keep busy. Although once he contacted me it sent me into a horrible anxiety attic (tensed, dizzy, light headed, nauseous). I suppose he will have that hold on me for a while until my body, mind and heart can let him go a bit more.
Also, the word is starting to get out. Our friends were pretty much exclusively his friends who became my friends. But three have reached out in hopes of cheering me up and letting me know that our friendship is still valued. So although there might be some awkward maneuverings, it's heartening to know my entire social circle wasn't completely dismantled.
I'm starting to get excited to do things again. I'm looking forward to rediscovering lost hobbies and trying new things. It will be a while before I'm out of the dark, but for the first time, being single doesn't feel so terrifying nor a mark of failure.
I still worry about him, he has a long road to personal recovery, but I do think that if I have to, I can let him go. I will always have a place in my heart for him (he was my first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first... other things), and I want him to have every thing he ever wanted out of life. However, I'm starting to be ok with the idea that that list may not include me. Untangling your identity from a long-term partner is hard, but I think it's getting easier.
Here's to more good days.
Lastly, I'm glad to hear you're getting this excited about rediscovering things that give you pleasure and take your mind off the current situation. Being single doesn't make you a failure, some things just aren't meant to be. You'll always love him, particularly since he was your first boyfriend, but it won't be that intense love of a relationship. It will be the love you feel towards friends.
Believe me, I completely understand what you're going through, been there myself. I want good things for my ex as you do, but they have to find their own way. There may come a time when you are comfortable being good friends, but until then, just worry about you.
Hugs,
Tim
I know it's hard to believe, but it's also much better to single than to be trapped in the wrong relationship. Trust me.
{{Hugs}}
Randy