With us, you never have to "dine alone" appearances to the contrary. You've been here for me, I hope I can return the favor. I hope all of us continue to support each other and lift each other up when we fall or fail or just need it. I hope you know you are not alone....none of us are ever alone. (Even when we want be, lol!) Please take care of yourself. We want you and need you with us, 'cause we all need a lot of support!

Thank you so very much Tim for your lovely, heartfelt reply.
It means the world to me. It has been a particularly long and difficult day, and it hasn't finished yet ;)

It's been fun though, helping, solving tech problems for friends and things.

I'm dining on left overs tonight. Sweet and Sour chicken stir fry with vegies. Yumm! Tastes even better tonight.

Hugs to you all.

Dave

Dave,
You are a very intelligent man. SO what comes next I think you can do very well and easily.
You say you kind of have a stray dog complex. You like to help those who are having trouble helping themselves but at the sacrifice of yourself, your needs, your wants.
When you have fallen in love have these been men you felt you could help? It may be a pattern of dating you select subconsciously, because you are a giver by nature and people take advantage of that. I know I like to fix problems, hence the reason for going into the mental health field to help others. However, I was doing that with the men I select too. What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Stop for a moment, gather yourself together take a look at what you need in a relationship and find THAT person. You already know you will give back, so you need to find that person who is willing to give of himself as much as you would. If that makes sense?
From what I have seen of your replies on here you are a very caring and wise man. Use that care on yourself, you are worth it.
Big hugs, and break that pattern to find true happiness.
Tom

Thanks Tom,
You are, of course, quite correct.

I have imprinting on me to be servile. I actually said to my Psychologist a month or two ago, "it is my duty to pleasure men"
He looked at me and said to himself, and me I suppose, where did that come from.

Being DID is exceptionally difficult. I know all the various alters are still me - but I feel like I'm losing grip on reality - whatever that is.

I have no one now. Not really. Just friends like you on the internet that I will never meet.

When asked for help an alter will pop forward with profound statements that - in hindsight - I have absolutely no idea where the information came from. Then 'snap' that part of me will be gone and I'll be someone else.

I used to be able to be 'stable' in one 'state of being' long enough to talk to clients (I own a web development business and have done for 14 years). Now I'm so ill I can't even get through a full hour without losing track and pausing as if waiting for a 'line' on stage.

Now I sit here, successful, but alone.

With my power-walking 4 km four days a week on the treadmill and now pumping iron, as well as watching my diet, I've never been so fit in my life. But I feel so fucking unfulfilled.

Stupid thoughts are starting to come into my mind - such as cutting myself. I've never been a cutter, but I can understand it now - letting out the pain - something I can actually have control over.

What is life if you have to live it alone and can trust no one?
I feel like I am the laughing stock of the area. There goes the wacko, full of shit, dickhead.

Well, that about sums it up.

My life has been defined by the amount of help I can give to other people.
Yes, when I met Glenn and met his fucked up sister, yes I wanted to rescue him. She freely admits that she has been diagnosed with schizophrenia but she doesn't take her medication because she says she doesn't need it. But she can't leave the house and go shopping on her own because of the "vibrations" off all the people.

Turns out that Glenn was just playing me, obviously. He was a good fuck though, I have to give him that.

I keep being told that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all... OH YEAH... FUCKING TRY IT!

Unfortunately I have been brutilised all my life, betrayed, lied to and raped by people who were supposed to care for me - how can a baby say - please don't shove that there? And my sisters did nothing - standing over my cot.

I wish I was never born actually.
I often think that. I'm great at fixing other people's problems - as long as I keep them at arms length - but with Glenn I trusted him - I truly deeply trusted him and loved him... and he and his fucked up friends betrayed me and everything I stood for.

What use is a drinking vessel with a hole in the bottom? Its great to look at - you might even be able to sell it for a good price - but it really is useless for the function it was designed for... that's how I feel.

But, I'm not going to cut myself, tonight anyway.
I've got no junk food to power eat like I've done the last two nights to hurt myself. So I'll just have some breakfast cereal and go to bed. I'll say my usual prayer when I feel like this.

Please God, if you truly love me, don't let me wake up in the morning.

I called an ambulance. I didn't cut myself but to be sure they are assessing me soon. Hugs Dave

I got help.
I'm going into a psychiatric hospital on Friday for as long as it takes.
I have health insurance, so I'll be fine.

I've cancelled my facebook accounts, I've placed info on the profiles of various adult dating sites I belong to stating I'll be away for a while.

The place I'm going to specialises in trauma and disassociation illness.

I'll tell you all about it when I get back, when ever that may be.

I'll miss you all... and Tim - have fun in Portland. Keep me close to your heart, because you are close to mine my friend.

Hugs to you all.

Dave

Dave,
I am sooooo glad to hear you are getting helped. I know it cannot be easy feeling like you are losing a battle to keep your wits. There are so many good therapies out there to help with the DID and other issues that may arise in therapy sessions. You did the right thing calling getting yourself admitted and on the path to treatment.
I am so proud off you for knowing what to do and do it well. Hang in there big guy there are people you haven't met that are sending you positive thoughts and love from afar!
Bug hugs

Thank you for that wonderful letter of support Tom.
The fact of the matter is it is because of "Daily Strength" and my interactions on the board that I have seen that I actually have positive and useful things to say on things that seem to strike a chord with people. In doing so I also recognise it is various 'alters' that are coming up with the information and I can see "first hand" in the writings that the info is valid, truthful and heartfelt.
Isn't it strange when one reads ones own post days later and say "gee, that's good stuff!" then we realise its what we said?

The point I'm getting to is that I realised yesterday that I could see somewhat clearly that I was correct - able to help other people, and for the first time ever - seeing my own life with clarity - and knowing I can't "get there from here without help".

Calling the ambulance last night was a big step. I had to accept responsibility for my own actions and my own thoughts. I have always been self reliant - not trusting. I'll accept assistance, guidance, treatment and help - but I won't trust - not since I was done the dirty on someone with little respect for professionalism or me as a person let alone a man. Maybe being a lesbian who was also a psychiatric nurse she thought she knew better.
The resulting feelings of betrayal in 2002 were palpable, reinforcing my distrust of women in general or anyone who says, "You can trust me."
BUT... on this board I have found support, love, companionship and honest to goodness friendship. Something, along with genuine honesty - that I have never experienced in all my 48 years.

The way some of the younger guys can talk about pain after anal sex, or the taste of pre-cum and if it is 'normal', if what he is feeling is 'correct', asking for advice on various subjects. THIS is what I have been seeking from friends all my life. Honest-to-goodness truthfulness in friendship and support.

Thank you all, and God Bless the people that started this board. You have literally saved my life, sanity and God Willing set me on the course of healing and good mental health.

You have all seen what I have said on various posts in reply to comments or questions. Some of you have even sent private messages to me saying that I've done well. Well isn't it interesting that when helping others we get help ourselves... something I didn't expect.

I am so grateful to you all for your loving support. I am also very grateful to myself for having 'the balls' to post how I was feeling. Putting it out there so I too could get help.

How often is it that the carers don't get help?
How often do the people doing the helping don't feel 'worthy' of getting assistance. "I'm sorry to bother you with my pitiful excuse of a problem - but I want to cut myself" sort of thing.
Thank God I felt strong enough to seek help - and Thank God for you all.

Ok, I'm back off to bed. I'm feeling quite resolute - I've done the right thing in asking for help and I'm getting it.

Hugs and Love to you all.

Dave

....my story is wayyy worse than yours. ;-)

Hi Hellofort..

Ok, you win.

:)

Best wishes to you

12 Hours time I'll be boarding the bus to the train station to travel to Brisbane. I'll be going into hospital for probably a long stay to deal with my DID.

I won't be able to contact you until I return.

Cheers, have fun and make sure you smile a lot. It makes them wonder what you've been up to.

Hugs,

Dave

Dave,
I am soooooooo glad you are getting help. That is awesome! And I use that saying all the time. I smile, it keeps them guessing what I am up to!!
Love to you and a speedy recovery.
Miss you already.
Tom

G'day guys,
Hello from my hospital room in Brisbane.
Well, it's been a week. The food is far too tasty for my waste line ;)
I'm missing my treadmill, the bed is very comfy and the staff are wonderful.
The rest of the participants are great.
Discovering some big things about myself - stuff I didn't want to know.
Dark areas of my mind that I hadn't accessed before and don't want to now, but with assistance I'm dealing with it.

I'm learning to show myself compassion - I show it to every other bugger but when it comes to myself I often freeze up. :)

Well, I'd better sign off. Its almost midnight and I need to get some sleep.

Hugs to you all.

Dave