Gay Men's Challenges Support Group
This community is dedicated to the challenges that gay men face, both between the partners in a relationship and from other influences (family, society, etc.). Find support and talk to others who may be facing the same challenges, and share your experience.
Ok, first thing is first, I am a gay male. However, for some reason, when I set up my account, it set it up as female, and it is not allowing me to change it.
To get to my point, it looks like my relationship of 9.5 years is coming to an end. I am 31 and met him when I was almost 22, first boyfriend and relationship ever. I am the kind of guy who is loyal and honest, but of course is not perfect.
We have tried to hard to "force" ourselves to be attracted to each other. We have bought each other things, complimented on the little things etc.
I want to go to concelling but he has not interest in it right now. I find it hard because I feel like the one who wants to make it work more.
We share most mutual friends together (although I do have a few friends of my own). However, the loyalties were certainly tested when we took a "break" back in the fall. He moved back because the place where he was staying was being used by the owner and he has no where else to go.
I am scared because I just found out that he has been having "texting" relations with a gentlemen we met on our holiday. I have wanted him to say those things to me for so long. It hurt to read them going to someone else.
I have had this lack of affection and I have done everything in my power to keep it fresh and going. He shows no interest in that whatsoever.
He tells me he loves me no matter what but is not sure that we are compatible. Fair enough. However, I am just scared, scared of the unknown. Part of me is a bit excited at being independent again. I am not a clingy insecure person (dealt with that through therapy already)
We love each other so much that this is making it very difficult. We are sticking it out with each other for now as we can still stand each others presents, but it is very hard because we own property together.
We also have two cats.
I guess what I am looking for are some tips as to what will be the best way to end this amicabilly. We do not want to be immature and make this messy as it doesn't need to be. I have never ever been through this and I guess I just want to see what others have done in their experiences.
Hazel79
To get to my point, it looks like my relationship of 9.5 years is coming to an end. I am 31 and met him when I was almost 22, first boyfriend and relationship ever. I am the kind of guy who is loyal and honest, but of course is not perfect.
We have tried to hard to "force" ourselves to be attracted to each other. We have bought each other things, complimented on the little things etc.
I want to go to concelling but he has not interest in it right now. I find it hard because I feel like the one who wants to make it work more.
We share most mutual friends together (although I do have a few friends of my own). However, the loyalties were certainly tested when we took a "break" back in the fall. He moved back because the place where he was staying was being used by the owner and he has no where else to go.
I am scared because I just found out that he has been having "texting" relations with a gentlemen we met on our holiday. I have wanted him to say those things to me for so long. It hurt to read them going to someone else.
I have had this lack of affection and I have done everything in my power to keep it fresh and going. He shows no interest in that whatsoever.
He tells me he loves me no matter what but is not sure that we are compatible. Fair enough. However, I am just scared, scared of the unknown. Part of me is a bit excited at being independent again. I am not a clingy insecure person (dealt with that through therapy already)
We love each other so much that this is making it very difficult. We are sticking it out with each other for now as we can still stand each others presents, but it is very hard because we own property together.
We also have two cats.
I guess what I am looking for are some tips as to what will be the best way to end this amicabilly. We do not want to be immature and make this messy as it doesn't need to be. I have never ever been through this and I guess I just want to see what others have done in their experiences.
Hazel79
First off--and it sounds like you've already figured this out--you can't force it to work, especially if your partner has, essentially, already checked out. That being the case, you need to take care of yourself, give yourself time to grieve, and understand that you can't change anything about the way he feels. You can only make the decisions that are best for you, and give yourself time to heal.
My ex and I also owned property, and he was also financially dependent on me. He had nowhere to go when we split up, and I spent more than a year with him sleeping on my sofa because I felt sorry for him. Don't take on that responsibility! Be kind, be compassionate, be supportive--but don't take care of him. You'll have enough to do to take care of yourself.
The only way to keep this amicable is to be honest with each other, and to remember that you still love each other, even if the romantic aspect of your relationship has ended. Keeping that from becoming messy will be a challenge, but if you both approach those issues from a place of love, you stand a much better chance of parting as friends rather than mortal enemies.
All of that said, please remember to be true to yourself, whatever else you decide to do. You were pretty young when you entered this relationship, and 9.5 years is a long time. Your partner has been an integral part of almost all of your adult life. If this does end, you'll have a lot of soul searching to do, and you'll need to give yourself the time and space to do that. For your own sake, don't rush into another relationship I've made that mistake in the past, and I can tell you from experience, it does more harm than good.
Hang in there, my friend. It may not seem like it right now--in fact, I'm sure it doesn't--but you will make it through, and you will come out the other side of this a stronger, more compassionate, and understanding person.
Best of luck to you!
You have the chance to maintain a friendship with someone you care about and you both can now be happy with others.
You both have a group of people who are friends who are interested in both of you being happy.
Next time, you'll know what it was important for you to hear, and if the person is capable of saying it, and saying it to you.
You have the opportunity to learn why hearing those things matter to you and if that is what makes you happy, then you can recognize that your putting your happiness in the power of others not in yourself.
Congratulations on the next phase in your life.
After my ex and I broke up, we still lived together in the same house for another six months. Looking back, I think it lengthened the process in a negative way because it made the breakup feel not like a breakup. At that time I thought it was nice to be able to be calm and accommodating, but now I know that did absolutely nothing positive when the relationship was supposed to end. The ultimate goal is for each other to move onto the next phase so that there is space and time to think it through on your own, learn from it, and be ready to explore a new life again.