Gay Men's Challenges Support Group
This community is dedicated to the challenges that gay men face, both between the partners in a relationship and from other influences (family, society, etc.). Find support and talk to others who may be facing the same challenges, and share your experience.
Hi Guys,
I need help. I will try and make this short. Maybe i just want to vent. I guess I just want to know I am not alone. I feel like my straight friends don't understand and neither do my gay friends.
I have always been a late bloomer and although I had relationships with women in high school and college and post-college, but it was never that many. My last relationship was with my best friend. It was a great relationship. She was great. We loved each other, but I knew I liked guys deep down inside too. I told her. We broke up but we remained friends. I was not happy and neither was she. I think we both knew i wanted to explore relationships with men. I was 32 when that ended.
Now I am 42 and in ten years, I have never had one relationship with a guy. I feel horrible and ashamed about that. I live in Los Angeles, so you would think that it would be easy to find a guy. It just has not been. I feel like I have tried it all, match.com, asking friends for referrals, approaching guys that I thought were gay at grocery stores or the gym, the gay bar and club scene, trying a few meet up gay groups, even trying a gay mens support group at the LBGT center.
NOTHING.
Sure I have met guys but it usually falls into this trap....The guys I like don't like me or I feel like I have to chase men to keep them interested in me, or the guys I don't like can't get enough of me. I tend to attract effeminate men and overweight men, and although there's nothing wrong with them, I am not effeminate and I worked out 5-7 days a week so I would want someone that offers what I offer. Is that so wrong?
Women are very interested in me. They love that I am a "nice guy". They always compliment me on my appearance and even "cat call" me from the streets. However, men on the other hand act aloof or lukewarm about me, could care less that I work, am educated, independent and have a lot to offer. They just want to know how big my penis is or when we can "hookup". Sure I have met some of these guys at bars and clubs but i have tried every place I can think of to meet more serious guys and it's all the same. Even on match.com hardly anyone responded to me and when they did they wanted sex.
I almost feel like I should be happy that people want to have sex with me, but I want to have sex with someone that I love or someone that I am really thinking it could be something long term and I feel they also feel the same way about me. I find that guys want to screw you first and get to know you second (if at all). I have seen countless stories of my gay friends that go through men like paper towels and treat them and are treated by them as disposable waste once the sex happens. I do not want to fall into that pitfall.
How can I compete? I am just a regular guy who people think I am attracted but since I don't put out after "hello", nobody is interested.
Im 42. My straight friends are all married and have kids and have a life. I am alone in my apartment in LA and just feel like i made the biggest mistake of my life pursuing my "truth".
I am tired of seeing great guys that I would love to get to know and they're always straight. When I do meet gay guys that seem interested in me and i seem interested in them, I get excited and then like clockwork, they dont text me anymore. I don't do anything other than suggest hanging out. But getting a guy to actually go on a date is like pulling teeth. The ones i meet would rather text back and forth and ask for "pics".
is this what i came all the way through trying to come out for? I dont do drugs but I always seem in the minority. I just feel so hurt and sad. I feel like I am not good enough but I know I am. I never felt low esteem as much as I have had with guys. With women they love me and always reinforce how great I am. However, with men they treat me like crap and I always feel like noone ever wants to see me for me, just for whatever they can get from me sexually.
Why was I born like this. It feels like a horrible curse. I have to settle for jumping in the sac with the rest of them or dating someone that i am totally not into. I"m not picky. I am not looking for a model. I just want someone that I am excited about. I meet them all the time but they are either straight or otherwise gay and only want to use me for sex.
Does anyone else feel like this? I feel like now that Im 42 (even though everyone thinks I look late 20s or early 30s) that once people hear how old I am they no longer are interested. I would love to date guys my own age, but I do not know where they are and honestly at 42 a lot of the ones that are still single look washed up and they also aren't looking for much other than random hookups.
Gosh, I just feel horrible.
I need help. I will try and make this short. Maybe i just want to vent. I guess I just want to know I am not alone. I feel like my straight friends don't understand and neither do my gay friends.
I have always been a late bloomer and although I had relationships with women in high school and college and post-college, but it was never that many. My last relationship was with my best friend. It was a great relationship. She was great. We loved each other, but I knew I liked guys deep down inside too. I told her. We broke up but we remained friends. I was not happy and neither was she. I think we both knew i wanted to explore relationships with men. I was 32 when that ended.
Now I am 42 and in ten years, I have never had one relationship with a guy. I feel horrible and ashamed about that. I live in Los Angeles, so you would think that it would be easy to find a guy. It just has not been. I feel like I have tried it all, match.com, asking friends for referrals, approaching guys that I thought were gay at grocery stores or the gym, the gay bar and club scene, trying a few meet up gay groups, even trying a gay mens support group at the LBGT center.
NOTHING.
Sure I have met guys but it usually falls into this trap....The guys I like don't like me or I feel like I have to chase men to keep them interested in me, or the guys I don't like can't get enough of me. I tend to attract effeminate men and overweight men, and although there's nothing wrong with them, I am not effeminate and I worked out 5-7 days a week so I would want someone that offers what I offer. Is that so wrong?
Women are very interested in me. They love that I am a "nice guy". They always compliment me on my appearance and even "cat call" me from the streets. However, men on the other hand act aloof or lukewarm about me, could care less that I work, am educated, independent and have a lot to offer. They just want to know how big my penis is or when we can "hookup". Sure I have met some of these guys at bars and clubs but i have tried every place I can think of to meet more serious guys and it's all the same. Even on match.com hardly anyone responded to me and when they did they wanted sex.
I almost feel like I should be happy that people want to have sex with me, but I want to have sex with someone that I love or someone that I am really thinking it could be something long term and I feel they also feel the same way about me. I find that guys want to screw you first and get to know you second (if at all). I have seen countless stories of my gay friends that go through men like paper towels and treat them and are treated by them as disposable waste once the sex happens. I do not want to fall into that pitfall.
How can I compete? I am just a regular guy who people think I am attracted but since I don't put out after "hello", nobody is interested.
Im 42. My straight friends are all married and have kids and have a life. I am alone in my apartment in LA and just feel like i made the biggest mistake of my life pursuing my "truth".
I am tired of seeing great guys that I would love to get to know and they're always straight. When I do meet gay guys that seem interested in me and i seem interested in them, I get excited and then like clockwork, they dont text me anymore. I don't do anything other than suggest hanging out. But getting a guy to actually go on a date is like pulling teeth. The ones i meet would rather text back and forth and ask for "pics".
is this what i came all the way through trying to come out for? I dont do drugs but I always seem in the minority. I just feel so hurt and sad. I feel like I am not good enough but I know I am. I never felt low esteem as much as I have had with guys. With women they love me and always reinforce how great I am. However, with men they treat me like crap and I always feel like noone ever wants to see me for me, just for whatever they can get from me sexually.
Why was I born like this. It feels like a horrible curse. I have to settle for jumping in the sac with the rest of them or dating someone that i am totally not into. I"m not picky. I am not looking for a model. I just want someone that I am excited about. I meet them all the time but they are either straight or otherwise gay and only want to use me for sex.
Does anyone else feel like this? I feel like now that Im 42 (even though everyone thinks I look late 20s or early 30s) that once people hear how old I am they no longer are interested. I would love to date guys my own age, but I do not know where they are and honestly at 42 a lot of the ones that are still single look washed up and they also aren't looking for much other than random hookups.
Gosh, I just feel horrible.
How do you like that for a late start ? At least I am cursed with boyish looks that help peg me as well at about 10 years younger.
I look like a young pup compared to others my age.
I actually meet the occasional person through the online dating sites but I do put the words in there 'Friends First' and not interested in friends with benefits.
Do you have a LGBT resource center in you city you can frequent? mine has a library and a mens group you can join. I don't think you are going to find the hook up artist type of guys in these places.
If you have found any other way to find 'nice guys' please post your ideas for those of us in the same boat :-)
I hope some of what I have said has helped and gives you some new ideas to explore.
I am not out and am still married. I accepted that I am attracted to guys about 5 years ago now. It has been a real bumpy road.
In my naivety I assumed other gay guys would be understanding and gentle. That is not exactly how it turned out. I too found that the initial meeting was gentle and seemed understanding to my need to just talk and try to come to terms with what was going on. Invariably it quickly turned to being very full on and obviously there was an expectation I would have sex.
I have to be honest, after the initial shock I went through a complete reckless phase. I became focused on sex. I found myself depressed and it seemed to be a convenient way of acting out anger and self loathing. I did not do it a lot and each time I got more depressed until I was suicidal. I met a guy here that helped me calm down a bit and get a better understanding of what I was going through.
In my limited experience so far there are few that really want anything long term. But then in my situation that is not the type of guy I was going to attract. There are many (much more than I ever expected) that are married and just want to scratch the "gay itch".
That is not me btw. My situation is such that I cannot come out, in short my wife has cancer and I just cannot bring this sort of drama into the picture.
Maybe guys are horny and less likely to settle down. I know that it scares me to think I will not have the option to find a guy I love and to settle. I am a home maker at heart and the promiscuous lifestyle really does not suit me.
It sounds like you are a fit good looking guy. That could explain some of the problem you are seeing. It can be hard to approach a guy you think is really good looking and obviously fit. Nothing you can or would want to do about that as it is human nature.
I am a long distance runner and so am pretty fit. From the start that attracted immediate sexual interest even though I had stated that I needed someone willing to talk. The first guy I agreed to meet was on the basis that he would talk to me about what I was going through. Within about 20 minutes he was coming on to me pretty heavily and I sort of did not know what to do. I almost felt guilty for wasting his time and it felt like I owed him. I did not have sex with him but it was an eye opener.
I would tend to keep looking on the match making type web sites rather than the more obvious hookup type sites. When I get to the situation where I can be open, I think I will want to socialise via LGBT groups, just to try to find a norm more suited to me.
I think that we are a minority within a minority. That means it will take some effort to find the man for us. We need to keep trying and not give up.
I am happy to be a friend and am happy to talk any time. Send me a friend request and I will accept.
Do not compare your life with others who've had different realities every step of the way. Be a little kind to yourself buddy. Be your best friend.
You may attract the right guy at 50 even and that's not so bad you know.
But you know what? Life goes on. You get stronger and you realise that being gay essentially means being alone. And you gotta love yourself with a vengeance to make peace with that!