Gay Men's Challenges Support Group

This community is dedicated to the challenges that gay men face, both between the partners in a relationship and from other influences (family, society, etc.). Find support and talk to others who may be facing the same challenges, and share your experience.

504 Members

1,722 Posts

0 Online

Oney 11/23/2009

I feel crappy just because I went to my Aikido class and there is this guy again... I haven't been able to overcome a feeling a have for him. It's 4 years now and every time I see him I feel the same, I feel my heart beat strong for him but he is not interested in me. I talked about it with him and we even dated and had intimacy once but it didn't work (he seems to be whether a curious heterosexual or a picky bisexual). He is ok and acts normal even ignoring me sometimes, I treat him like you treat a co-worker, respectfully and formal but I feel in hell inside before this we used to be so close. He used to flirt with me a lot and I with him.
I feel stronger when he is not around I feel I can forget about him If I don't see him, but then he comes back and I am down again, so sad I want to cry. I feel stupid because time should ease my feelings but it doesn't. I can't go to another class because I am the manager, and the assistant and the kid second instructor, nowhere to run. I try to look away when he is next to me but it is the same, I feel I have this strong drive to be close to him. I hate him for not feeling anything for me. I must be a total ass, well that is how I feel

tim2218 11/24/2009

You have to tell yourself that this is a dead end and move on. Don't waste good energy on something that isn't going to be. I know how rejection feels, and sympathise with your situation, but you can't keep an unobtainable person in your sights. That isn't good for you or your health. Spend the good energy on one that deserves it! Good Luck!

Oney 11/24/2009

So you feel I am like this becuase I don't want to give him up? I do not. I hate feeling this for him. I cannot get rid of the feeling.

deleted_user 11/24/2009

I am sure there are many things in life we don't get to have. Certain things are easier to let go than others, plus we don't all want the same thing. I tend to see it as a personal recognition of self and a chance to figure out what you need to do to move on. Sometimes it might be finding another person to like; sometimes it might be actively planning how not to run into this guy again.

I think Tim said all the right things already. Just remember that if you don't find your way out of this, you will continue to be unhappy.

Oney 11/24/2009

I promise I will give it a thought. Thank you boys!

deleted_user 11/27/2009

Well, not because the first time dating "failed" it means that everything is lost. Do you think you could have the guts to, with a degree of tact and discretion, communicate your further interest? I mean, if it "didn't work" the first time, maybe a second time could be better. Only in movies the first time around everything is perfect.

That said, do you see a potential relationship with a "curious heterosexual or a picky bisexual" as you put it? Maybe looking at him more objectively might tell you that he might not be as perfect and amazingly ideal for you. Put things under the right perspective. remember "bisexual" and "heterosexual" DO NOT equate "better".

Just food for thought. Do you like HIM, or do you like the drama of not having him? I've seen so many gay people "falling in love" with these unattainable men than sometimes they seem like what they are in love with is the drama not the guy. I've had friends that don't pursue anyone who is available, always going from one "impossible" relationship to another.

I really hope that's not your case.

Oney 11/27/2009

Dear writer, I have been around this man for about four and a half years now with a daily interaction and a lot of physical contact and conversation. I know his worst defects (trust me he has a lot), and I know his good things too (many too). And I love him just like that. I don't want to change anything. I love him for what he is. I feel complete when I am by his side. We have talked through about our motivations and thinking in life and we agree and have come to agreements in what we do not. I feel part of him when we are together. I feel I am his family. I feel I belong. I just wish he would love me back. He says he is not gay, but we have shared the bed and I heard no complaints from him. There is the problem and I have to face the fact that I fell in love with a socially straight guy. I want to stop feeling this tenderness I feel when I see him but I don't know how. Distance is not an option because of several factors I am not explaining here and time does not seem to erase anything.

HRF wrote that I need another love in my life and I agree. I am working on that (after I finish my thesis).

deleted_user 11/29/2009

Oney, I know how you feel loving someone who doesnt love you back, And no matter how hard you try you cant stop loving him and seeing him only makes it worse. I wish I could give you advice but Im still stuck where you are, I can only hope it helps you knowing that your not alone.

Oney 11/29/2009

That is the best someone has told me so far, I really appreciate your words.

Join the Conversation