Gay Men's Challenges Support Group
This community is dedicated to the challenges that gay men face, both between the partners in a relationship and from other influences (family, society, etc.). Find support and talk to others who may be facing the same challenges, and share your experience.
Hi All;
I haven't used this site in a while so figured I would check in with everyone - as well as to say hey! I am having a dilemma!
I have recently been seeing a new gentlemen in the past few months. When we first met off an online dating site, there were not the "sparks" or "love at first site" but merely fun with someone new, with a lot of laughs. He is a very outgoing say it how it is kind of guy. I am a bit more sensitive in respect to being timid. Opposities attract right? He has met my friends and family and all (but 1) think he is just a great catch for me. I really wasn't expecting anything - which was the beauty!
At any rate, things have been going very well for the first month! Lots of laughs and we were very close. However, it wasn't until about 2 weeks ago after a party I had noticed a different side to him. We had a miscommunication issue occur and we did what we could to fix it. He dropped me off and I felt uncomfortable displaying PDA on the street. He ended up leaving abrubtly without saying anything further. For me, not being in a relatioship for nearly 4 years, made me feel very uncomfortable - which triggerd a lot of anxiety for me.
For the following week I had suffered from panic attacks, churning stomachs, headaches, and shakes. I had an emotional breakdown and almost broke it off with him last Wednesday, thinking our relationship was the reason for this to be happening. It was a pending feeling of doom and gloom and I do not know where it had come from. The anxiety tappered off after I found out the next day that I my mother might have breast cancer. I figured that the anxiety that developed that week perhaps was me sensing someone was wrong as a "premonition" - which would explain my mom's health. I saw him that evening and he was very supportive. We had some great laughs that night and it felt like it was back to normal again. We had another "tiff" when I had made a comment to him that he was "embarressing me" as a joke - and he took it very personally. Yes, I made a mistake, apologized, but he ended up talking about it the next day again. The man is greek, very friendly, but very loud, and funny as hell!! He has told me that he would never do anything to hurt me and adores me. However, it just seems that lately I have been having these doubts about the relationship - almost like I can't be my authentic self anymore - like it feels fake at times. I really do not want to just "give it up" now as I know he is a great guy, we have great passion, and have amazing laughs together - but when it comes to conflict like this - I just freeze up. Also, he had mentioned to me today that he has now developed a wall of reservations after I had my little "melt down" last week. On top of this, I am trying to complete a university course and I open a musical theatre production in two weeks (both in a matter of a day from each other). It has been really hard to cope at work and with my other daily tasks. I really like him, but I feel almost sick to my stomach, and I don't know where it arises from. I have been put on ativan for a month and it seems to alleviate the symptoms. At any rate, our next few weeks will be busy and we will not be seeing each other as of much due to our other committments. I am just scared of screwing this up - by possibly loosing someone that could potentially be a soul mate in my life. Am I being too hard on myself and putting too many expectations? I do tend to over analyze things - a bit of a "Jittery Jessica" but that is just me. How do I relax and enjoy this ride? I am almost 34 years old and I would love to just grow up and suck this up - but its easier said than done! Now it seems we both have the reservations and we are spending a week apart. You all must probably thing im self-sabotoging this but I can only tell you what I feel. I know relationships have issues but really this many issues this early? Man I feel like a crazy! lol
Any suggestions or support would be greatly appreciated.
I haven't used this site in a while so figured I would check in with everyone - as well as to say hey! I am having a dilemma!
I have recently been seeing a new gentlemen in the past few months. When we first met off an online dating site, there were not the "sparks" or "love at first site" but merely fun with someone new, with a lot of laughs. He is a very outgoing say it how it is kind of guy. I am a bit more sensitive in respect to being timid. Opposities attract right? He has met my friends and family and all (but 1) think he is just a great catch for me. I really wasn't expecting anything - which was the beauty!
At any rate, things have been going very well for the first month! Lots of laughs and we were very close. However, it wasn't until about 2 weeks ago after a party I had noticed a different side to him. We had a miscommunication issue occur and we did what we could to fix it. He dropped me off and I felt uncomfortable displaying PDA on the street. He ended up leaving abrubtly without saying anything further. For me, not being in a relatioship for nearly 4 years, made me feel very uncomfortable - which triggerd a lot of anxiety for me.
For the following week I had suffered from panic attacks, churning stomachs, headaches, and shakes. I had an emotional breakdown and almost broke it off with him last Wednesday, thinking our relationship was the reason for this to be happening. It was a pending feeling of doom and gloom and I do not know where it had come from. The anxiety tappered off after I found out the next day that I my mother might have breast cancer. I figured that the anxiety that developed that week perhaps was me sensing someone was wrong as a "premonition" - which would explain my mom's health. I saw him that evening and he was very supportive. We had some great laughs that night and it felt like it was back to normal again. We had another "tiff" when I had made a comment to him that he was "embarressing me" as a joke - and he took it very personally. Yes, I made a mistake, apologized, but he ended up talking about it the next day again. The man is greek, very friendly, but very loud, and funny as hell!! He has told me that he would never do anything to hurt me and adores me. However, it just seems that lately I have been having these doubts about the relationship - almost like I can't be my authentic self anymore - like it feels fake at times. I really do not want to just "give it up" now as I know he is a great guy, we have great passion, and have amazing laughs together - but when it comes to conflict like this - I just freeze up. Also, he had mentioned to me today that he has now developed a wall of reservations after I had my little "melt down" last week. On top of this, I am trying to complete a university course and I open a musical theatre production in two weeks (both in a matter of a day from each other). It has been really hard to cope at work and with my other daily tasks. I really like him, but I feel almost sick to my stomach, and I don't know where it arises from. I have been put on ativan for a month and it seems to alleviate the symptoms. At any rate, our next few weeks will be busy and we will not be seeing each other as of much due to our other committments. I am just scared of screwing this up - by possibly loosing someone that could potentially be a soul mate in my life. Am I being too hard on myself and putting too many expectations? I do tend to over analyze things - a bit of a "Jittery Jessica" but that is just me. How do I relax and enjoy this ride? I am almost 34 years old and I would love to just grow up and suck this up - but its easier said than done! Now it seems we both have the reservations and we are spending a week apart. You all must probably thing im self-sabotoging this but I can only tell you what I feel. I know relationships have issues but really this many issues this early? Man I feel like a crazy! lol
Any suggestions or support would be greatly appreciated.
You need to take it slow, be yourself, and allow time for the relationship to fully develop. Identify friends, relatives, and family that are most supportive and go to them for guidance. You'll be fine. I wish you well.
I too am a Geek - so I know a little bit about how his thinking might be.
With computers and technology there are ones and zeros - no grey areas.
This man is an absolute control freak. (that is where I differ - I hope) but I have met many like him.
Its his way or the highway - if he is watching a movie and something upsets him about it he will probably abruptly switch it off and put on another movie - same with music - same with lovers I would hazard at a guess.
You are putting all this on you - this is what we do to ourselves... "Oh, there must be something wrong with me, its all my fault, if only I don't act like that or behave in a way he doens't like, or dress in a way he doesn't prefer me to dress, or listen to music he doesn't like or..." sound familiar?
I lived in an emotionally abusive relationship like that for THIRTEEN fucking years. GET OUT NOW.
I wish I had listened to my friends when I was first warned about Andrew and especially his Mother - who HAD to speak with him three or four times each and every day - she was jealous of me, and I was certainly not worthy of her little boy. (same age as me).
Get out while the going is good.
Ditch online dating - meet other guys the old fashioned way by joining a social group such as:
walking group
artistic appreciation group
music theatre group - that you are forming - throw yourself into that and kick that bum to the curb - no dick or piece of arse is worth that hastle honey.
Look, I'm not trying to rain on your parade, but you have all the hallmarks of who I was 20 years ago...
I left Andrew three years ago this coming January 1st - best thing I ever did - only I really should have done it at least five years before that.
No, I'm not a broken hearted old hag.
Check out my video if you believe me...
http://youtu.be/j-r74ZE3hw4
Hugs,
Dave
If you're not comfortable being your true self with him, regardless of the reason, then he's not the one. You're not crazy. You're not screwing this up and you would not be overanalyzing this if it felt right (just from my experience - I sometimes overanalyze too).
The good news is that we as people are infinitely diverse in nature. The right guy is out there, one where it will feel more comfortable.
If you're not comfortable being your true self with him, regardless of the reason, then he's not the one. You're not crazy. You're not screwing this up and you would not be overanalyzing this if it felt right (just from my experience - I sometimes overanalyze too).
The good news is that we as people are infinitely diverse in nature. The right guy is out there, one where it will feel more comfortable.
If you're not comfortable being your true self with him, regardless of the reason, then he's not the one. You're not crazy. You're not screwing this up and you would not be overanalyzing this if it felt right (just from my experience - I sometimes overanalyze too).
The good news is that we as people are infinitely diverse in nature. The right guy is out there, one where it will feel more comfortable.
If you're not comfortable being your true self with him, regardless of the reason, then he's not the one. You're not crazy. You're not screwing this up and you would not be overanalyzing this if it felt right (just from my experience - I sometimes overanalyze too).
The good news is that we as people are infinitely diverse in nature. The right guy is out there, one where it will feel more comfortable.
If you're not comfortable being your true self with him, regardless of the reason, then he's not the one. You're not crazy. You're not screwing this up and you would not be overanalyzing this if it felt right (just from my experience - I sometimes overanalyze too).
The good news is that we as people are infinitely diverse in nature. The right guy is out there, one where it will feel more comfortable.
The normal way of testing out a relationship is presenting the person to family, relatives, or friends and asking their opinions. We as an online community can make inferences based on what you tell us, but there are likely things you omitted (intentionally or unintentionally) and we just don't have enough information about either of you to make a good recommendation. So get those who are closest to you, and listen to their thoughts about this relationship.