Gay Men's Challenges Support Group
This community is dedicated to the challenges that gay men face, both between the partners in a relationship and from other influences (family, society, etc.). Find support and talk to others who may be facing the same challenges, and share your experience.
Hello all:
I've been wanting to post this for a long time now, and just now have gotten around to it. I live in Tulsa, Oklahoma, which may sound like a tiny place, but it really isn't. Half a million in the metro area. Tulsa is also noted for having a large gay community.
Something that has bothered me for years and years is my inability to be in any way, shape or form, a part of the community. I've dated several guys over twenty years and I've never felt part of, or been accepted into the gay community. I'm always told that I'm just too weird. I can't stand going to the many gay bars and clubs around town. I don't like the music, or the cliques of people. When I have reached out and tried to join in the "fun", I'm consistently shunned. I'm just too much of an oddball, and people tell me that. Over the years this frustration has built up and I've sort of given up on "joining the club". It may sound trite, but I just feel like a total outsider. Even meeting people online is just as troublesome. I recently got a message on one of the popular gay online sites, and the guy said "your profile is very interesting, but odd. Good luck". When I approach people I am barely given a chance. I don't think there's anything that physically distinguishes me from the others. I don't wear the "latest thing", or whatnot. I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of guy. I know I'm not physically repulsive. I'm not gay acting, but nor am I butch.
I'd like to hear from others who might be in a similar situation. I feel no affinity towards the gay community. To me, being gay is no more a big deal than my eye color. It seems for a lot of others that being gay is as important as breathing.
I hope I'm being coherent here, and that I don't just sound like I'm rambling on. I just feel like I'm left out of a group that I really don't want to be a part of, other than to meet a potential mate.
I've been wanting to post this for a long time now, and just now have gotten around to it. I live in Tulsa, Oklahoma, which may sound like a tiny place, but it really isn't. Half a million in the metro area. Tulsa is also noted for having a large gay community.
Something that has bothered me for years and years is my inability to be in any way, shape or form, a part of the community. I've dated several guys over twenty years and I've never felt part of, or been accepted into the gay community. I'm always told that I'm just too weird. I can't stand going to the many gay bars and clubs around town. I don't like the music, or the cliques of people. When I have reached out and tried to join in the "fun", I'm consistently shunned. I'm just too much of an oddball, and people tell me that. Over the years this frustration has built up and I've sort of given up on "joining the club". It may sound trite, but I just feel like a total outsider. Even meeting people online is just as troublesome. I recently got a message on one of the popular gay online sites, and the guy said "your profile is very interesting, but odd. Good luck". When I approach people I am barely given a chance. I don't think there's anything that physically distinguishes me from the others. I don't wear the "latest thing", or whatnot. I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of guy. I know I'm not physically repulsive. I'm not gay acting, but nor am I butch.
I'd like to hear from others who might be in a similar situation. I feel no affinity towards the gay community. To me, being gay is no more a big deal than my eye color. It seems for a lot of others that being gay is as important as breathing.
I hope I'm being coherent here, and that I don't just sound like I'm rambling on. I just feel like I'm left out of a group that I really don't want to be a part of, other than to meet a potential mate.
I suppose I may be the type that's just "unique" in the sense that I don't behave or have a similar personality to the community as a whole. I hate to be broad, but let's be honest here. And yes, I am *consistently* not accepted. Twenty years we're talking about. Their elaborations mainly consist of my personal tastes, attitudes toward sex (I'd say I'm somewhat old-fashioned). It seems as the whole package that makes up Daniel (me) simply isn't compatible. It's like I'm from another planet. In my opinion it seems that the bulk of people who vehemently reject me are, in my opinion, so far removed from reality. If I'm gonna get really gritty about it, it seems that they have an inflated id and a deflated super-ego. And that bothers me.
Scumbag? I seriously doubt it. We need to talk... If that's okay.
attitiude. Some might use it as a defense , but after being on this planet for many years I have come to the conslusion that LOOKS are
very, very important to the gay world.
If I were you I would jump in on conversations, etc. and accept the fact that you will be rejected along the way; thats life. Sooner or later you will meet at least a friend..
Alright. Yes, you don't know me. So saying that I *deliberately* try to be different is ridiculous. I know *exactly* who I am, always have. I just come from a different place. My background and the blood I come from are just the way they are. It takes to much energy to devote to deceiving people to make them think a certain way about me, and frankly I don't have that sort of energy, nor desire to do that. I appreciate you chiming in, but I whole-heartily disagree with you. Let's leave it at that.
1. Being OK with my oddities and the way I socialize
2. Rejecting the so called "social norm" among gay men.
Does that mean that certain stupid shallow queens are going to shun me? Who the fuck cares? There's no room in my life for that kind of crap.
As for we always being about sex and not "the old fashion" way, first, it's this generation who have the opportunity to form serious relationships, marry (in some places) and being accepted in many more places than before, so I don't know what are you guys talking about gay people being about sex. THAT IS WHAT YOU MIGHT BE CONCENTRATING OR FIXATING ON.
Take a closer look at the LGBT community. Look at the places and people that you might be neglecting to see and find a lot of "oddities" values, and lifestyles. Seems that you are concentrating in this one sector of our population that is more advertised on TV than the real LGBT community.
Even when I was younger and more desirable, I couldn't stand the "free love" attitude, later the "disco queen" attitude, later the "Madonna" attitude, and now the "Lady gaga/Glee" attitude. I managed to look AND FIND a great circle of friends that I still have to date, mostly because I never took that as the norm or as the real image of who I am or WHO WE ARE AS A COMMUNITY.
Perception is reality to people. For as long as you perceive yourself as an outsider trying to fit in, you're exposing yourself to rejection, when it should be the other way around.
The beauty of being "odd" lies in the ability to feel comfortable with it and not giving a crap about it. I went to the LGBT Center in NYC once and at the entrance saw about 25 gay men all wearing the same Kaki pants and t-shirts. I passed right by them wearing my long black pants and black/pink stripped long sleeve shirt. As I passed, I thought "these people never left high school" and couldn't care less about their judgmental stares. I felt great of not forming part of that stupid crowd, and didn't feel any better or less than any of them (OK, I did think of them as stupid, but hey I'm only human).
Be yourself, love yourself, don't give a crap about people and attitudes that shouldn't matter to you, and that don't do anything for you.