Gay Men's Challenges Support Group
This community is dedicated to the challenges that gay men face, both between the partners in a relationship and from other influences (family, society, etc.). Find support and talk to others who may be facing the same challenges, and share your experience.
Hello, I'm not new to this group, but left a year or two ago, and now I am returning with a situation where I could use some advice.
I am married to a nice man. Been with him for 11 years. We're both in our 40s. We love each other and we have a nice family life. This marriage has given me a lot of things that I had missed in my life, including a stable place to live. I love my husband and want to continue honoring the commitment I made with him.
Issue 1: I can't remember the last time I had sex with my husband. It's been years. Due to a number of problems early in our relationship, mostly health issues in one of us, we stopped having sex. We have been to couples counseling about it for a few years now, and this past week I just told both my husband and the counselor that I am done talking, I am done trying to do something about bringing sex back to our lives and that I feel we've been going in circles and I just lost interest in continuing trying. I refuse to continue doing the same thing thats taking us nowhere.
Of course, my husband is sad about it, but can't say anything since he seems to be ok with spending years talking about getting back to have sex, but I don't. It's just not normal to need so many years of counseling for having sex, especially since I consider myself a fairly healthy person with not a lot of hang-ups about sex (and a sexual resume to prove it).
Issue 2: Though we never agreed to be exclusive with each other sexually, for a long time I have been uninterested in messing with other people, mostly because the reason why I wanted to marry was to stop having casual affairs. So for years I have been having a sexual encounter here and there every 9 months or so, just for relieve. The rest of my sex life involves a lot of clicking and typing. Every time I get off that way I feel extremely angry at my husband for feeling like I have to incur into these affairs. I truly don't care [at least at this moment] for meaningless sex; that's not what I want, but I cannot rely on my husband for it.
Issue 3: Enter some guy I met. This is the thing that is messing me up. With the background that I have in my relationship, I felt that it was bound to happen that I'd meet a guy with a great chemistry between us. I am actually surprised that it has taken over 5 years for me to click with another person that way. So the horrendous and messed up things about meeting this guy are:
(1) I work for a social services agency, BUT I am not a social worker, not a case manager or anything in the human services arena (per se). I am in the IT department, but I also teach computers to the clients (actually, the computer classes are open to the public not just clients). So I have no client charts I have to fill, though as an IT person I do have access to pretty much everything about everyone. The guy I met is a client, and there are rather ridiculous rules about any staff messing up with any client.
(2) As I write this I cannot believe who I clicked with. He's an "ex-gay". He doesn't admit that he's gay, but he doesn't admit that he's an ex-gay either. He has let me know that he has interest in maybe sex with me (see fucked up thing number 3 below).
(3) Today we talked about sex with men and he pretty much told me that he's interested in sex but that he's not interested in relationships with men (fine by me since I, like, have one already), but he also said that he's "selfish" about it. Not sure what that meant; I think he may mean that he's not interested in any kind of sexual chemistry, which isn't exactly what I'd prefer.
(4) He doesn't know that I am in a relationship, and to my husband I told that he's a "new friend".
I have already seen him outside the classroom (I met him in my class) a few times, and we have talk about a lot of heavy stuff and the chemistry is there. That's how I know that he went into recovery from drugs and into an ex-gay treatment.
Oh, and I almost forgot to mention, there's a fucked up thing number (5): He's currently homeless and has HIV. The HIV part doesnt bother me, but the homeless part does.
Why am I interested in hooking up with this guy? I am risking my job and my marriage over a homeless guy that in his 40s is still struggling with his sexual orientation.
Somebody, please talk me out of this nonsense.
I am married to a nice man. Been with him for 11 years. We're both in our 40s. We love each other and we have a nice family life. This marriage has given me a lot of things that I had missed in my life, including a stable place to live. I love my husband and want to continue honoring the commitment I made with him.
Issue 1: I can't remember the last time I had sex with my husband. It's been years. Due to a number of problems early in our relationship, mostly health issues in one of us, we stopped having sex. We have been to couples counseling about it for a few years now, and this past week I just told both my husband and the counselor that I am done talking, I am done trying to do something about bringing sex back to our lives and that I feel we've been going in circles and I just lost interest in continuing trying. I refuse to continue doing the same thing thats taking us nowhere.
Of course, my husband is sad about it, but can't say anything since he seems to be ok with spending years talking about getting back to have sex, but I don't. It's just not normal to need so many years of counseling for having sex, especially since I consider myself a fairly healthy person with not a lot of hang-ups about sex (and a sexual resume to prove it).
Issue 2: Though we never agreed to be exclusive with each other sexually, for a long time I have been uninterested in messing with other people, mostly because the reason why I wanted to marry was to stop having casual affairs. So for years I have been having a sexual encounter here and there every 9 months or so, just for relieve. The rest of my sex life involves a lot of clicking and typing. Every time I get off that way I feel extremely angry at my husband for feeling like I have to incur into these affairs. I truly don't care [at least at this moment] for meaningless sex; that's not what I want, but I cannot rely on my husband for it.
Issue 3: Enter some guy I met. This is the thing that is messing me up. With the background that I have in my relationship, I felt that it was bound to happen that I'd meet a guy with a great chemistry between us. I am actually surprised that it has taken over 5 years for me to click with another person that way. So the horrendous and messed up things about meeting this guy are:
(1) I work for a social services agency, BUT I am not a social worker, not a case manager or anything in the human services arena (per se). I am in the IT department, but I also teach computers to the clients (actually, the computer classes are open to the public not just clients). So I have no client charts I have to fill, though as an IT person I do have access to pretty much everything about everyone. The guy I met is a client, and there are rather ridiculous rules about any staff messing up with any client.
(2) As I write this I cannot believe who I clicked with. He's an "ex-gay". He doesn't admit that he's gay, but he doesn't admit that he's an ex-gay either. He has let me know that he has interest in maybe sex with me (see fucked up thing number 3 below).
(3) Today we talked about sex with men and he pretty much told me that he's interested in sex but that he's not interested in relationships with men (fine by me since I, like, have one already), but he also said that he's "selfish" about it. Not sure what that meant; I think he may mean that he's not interested in any kind of sexual chemistry, which isn't exactly what I'd prefer.
(4) He doesn't know that I am in a relationship, and to my husband I told that he's a "new friend".
I have already seen him outside the classroom (I met him in my class) a few times, and we have talk about a lot of heavy stuff and the chemistry is there. That's how I know that he went into recovery from drugs and into an ex-gay treatment.
Oh, and I almost forgot to mention, there's a fucked up thing number (5): He's currently homeless and has HIV. The HIV part doesnt bother me, but the homeless part does.
Why am I interested in hooking up with this guy? I am risking my job and my marriage over a homeless guy that in his 40s is still struggling with his sexual orientation.
Somebody, please talk me out of this nonsense.
Marriage is for better or worse, in sickness and in health. You stuck by your husband during his health crisis, and have been there for his recuperation. It is his turn to be there for you. You are a sexual person, he knew this. Sex is not the cornerstone of a marriage, but it is an important part. He has fundamentally altered the terms of your married life. That is not fair to you. When you see your new counselor, bring this up. It sounds like he is more focused on his needs than yours and a marriage should be an equal partnership.
Your occasional dalliances are perfectly fine, as long as you and your husband are on board with this setup. Not agreeing to be exclusive and agreeing to be open are very different things. Again bring this up with your new counselor. Dan Savage calls your current setup "Monogam-ish". It works for some couples, but a lie of omission is still a lie.
What a catch! Ex-gay, homeless, sexually repressed, selfish, unloads his baggage on a work acquaintance, and seems okay with getting you fired... be still my heart. I certainly hope he is on antiretrovirals. I know exactly what you see in this winner (sic: loser) of a specimen; an out. Someone you get along with well enough to be more than a friend with benefits. Someone so shocking to your staus quo that it will completely shakeup the table. This wouldn't be making your next move in chess, it would be knocking all the pieces off to start a game of checkers. You are so hungry for change that you are willing to invite a gigantic mess of drama and pain if only for the sense of having something different and exciting. This is a monumental misappropriation of feelings. Your head is telling you it is a mistake, your heart (and to a probably greater extent, your male parts) are begging you to go for it.
Let's look down the line shall we? It is a year from now. You've divorced your husband. You started seeing this guy for sex. However due to his lack of home, he has also managed to convince you to let him move in. BUT YOU AREN'T TOGETHER, he will remind you constantly. He will use you for sex, but you aren't together. He will use you for money, but you aren' together. He will use you for shelter, but you aren't together. He will use you to unload his emotional baggage, but you aren't together. This man is a leech. He knows exactly what to say to you to press those buttons; to get what he wants. You think your needs aren't being met now? Imagine life with this guy.
You met someone that excites you, it happens. It is even okay to enjoy the fantasy a bit. The important thing to remember is that life is not a fantasy. The more you try to live in one, the less you enjoy reality. So focus on making your reality something you enjoy.
Like I said, first thing is finding a new, sex affirming counselor. Second, is clearing the terms of your relationship with your husband. Third, is trying new things. In 11 years, things can go stale. I hope you and your husband aren't just married. I hope you and he are still dating. Do you surprise him with his favorite flowers every once in a while? Do you go to a movie together you've been dying to see? Will he take you to your favorite restaurant for no other reason than to make you smile? Will you two start a project together not so much to get it done, but just so you have something to share? Often a loss of physical intimacy stems from a loss of emotional intimacy. Be sure you two find ways to fall in love with each other over and over again.
I hope you can address these issues head on, and I hope you realize there is no right or wrong party here; it is a grey area. Just keep working on creating a healthy, frisky marriage with the man you love, and not indulging in some fantasy with a man that could never love you.
All the best,
Steve
I don't think of myself as a person who craves excitement. What attracted me to this guy wasn't the thrill, it was more about the way he thinks and is. He's very intelligent, though he still is as you call it an "Ex-gay, homeless, sexually repressed, selfish, unloads his baggage on a work acquaintance, and seems okay with getting you fired".
I'm not interested in getting fired, and I'm certainly not going to use him or another person as an escape from the reality of my marriage.
Your advice has actually opened the doors to being more creative with my husband...
Anyway, I just needed to read your words. Thanks again.
As for the sex thing, have you tried saying to your partner, lovingly, "I'm going to start having sex right here and now, and I'd like it very much if you'd join me." And then proceed to undress and be willing to enjoy masturbating if he doesn't want to join you.
I'm serious. It's just being assertive. If he won't join you, you could say he's welcome to watch. If he has a problem with you honestly and openly enjoying sex by yourself in your own home, maybe he should move out. Good luck.
1) Be upfront with your husband about the lack of sex in your relationship and tell him that you can't deal with the lack of it. I don't know if you mentioned if he knew you had occasional flings but I think you should tell him if he doesn't know. I think the worst thing is to lead someone on and have them think that everything is great in your relationship and in reality there is infidelity.
2) I would tell him that you really need to work on the sex thing and if he can't fulfil your needs than you need to propose opening up your relationship if he is okay with that.
3) I wouldn't see the homeless guy again. I mean I understand you may have a connection to him but he is telling you upfront that he doesn't want a relationship and you are sacrificing the relationship you currently have for someone who doesn't even want one. I dated a guy who was conflicted with his sexuality for years and as soon as I started to fall in love he just slowly pulled away and we stopped having sex and the relationship ended. I ended up moving out. Its horrible that he is homeless and has HIV but you have to think about your family and your health.
I went to couples therapy with my ex boyfriend specifically for sex issues we were having and we decided after a few months to break up once we got into detailed and in depth issues. We were able to see we were not compatible and that it was more than just a sexual issue.
I think you were backed into a corner and you are a sexual being. I am not judging you and I don't want you to think what I wrote to sound harsh. I just think every party should be clear on whats going on so that everyone can make a decision. This is a very tough thing to go through.