Welcome dano92,

Coming out is so different for each one of us. I came out when I was 13, I announced it to everyone I wanted NO confusion. Other friends of mine came out and they had only told a handful. So as you get comfortable more and more will know.

You are at a difficult place, finding that perfect someone. One thing I want to explain is that the best way to find that someone is NOT to go looking, It is true, trust me.

It is a real complement to your friend for you to have feelings for him. Falling hard is painful, especially when the other person does NOT show the same interest in you. Your friend has a boyfriend which to means that he is being faithful to his current relationship. That is a great quality.

Perhaps if he was not dating someone his actions towards you would be receptive. At present, I would encourage you to be the best friend that you could ever be.

It is my opinion that honest dialog is important to any relationship be it friends or partners. With that being said, a true friendship allows one to share their feelings, what ever they may be without issue to the relationship...

Do NOT think that I do not recognize your pain and frustration because I do. The pain is very real at times it can be debilitating. Remember that you are the one who has control over your feelings.

Do NOT look to someone else for your happiness, look within. I am sure you are a wonderful person and no matter one's age we still learn and discover things about ourselves, That is life.

I hope that you have gained some peace and support from my reply.

Jerry

Great answer Jerry.

I am older and not yet out. I have however found out quite a lot about what happens when you go looking for someone. Many of those out there looking are looking for a quick nsa lay. Some prey on the less experienced and young, so please take care.

The nest advice I have had about coming out is that we are all different and we, individually, have to decide how and when.

I think I agree with Jerry, try not looking for The guy just now. What about social groups in your area, etc. Go new places and socialise. It is less likely that you will be pressured by those looking for a hook up. You just never know what might happen and even if you do not find The guy you will have fun.

Again Jerry is dead on, your friend is acting exactly as you would want him to act if he were your boyfriend. Respect him for that.

All the best and good luck.

Thanks guys,

To clarify, I'm not looking for my friend to cheat on his boyfriend with me or anything like that. I totally agree with you guys with that part and wouldn't want him to do anything like that if he were with me. I was simply just stating that him having a boyfriend doesn't make it any easier.

I've been told that before - " Don't go looking for someone..". My problem is that I am not much into the gay scene, mainly because of how cautious I am to most of my family and friends finding out that i'm gay. So, therefore I result in going on social networking sites such as Grindr or other dating sites that is basically just good for hookups. Other than that, I don't know how to get out there while still kind of keeping low key.

By no means did I wish to suggest you to interfere with his current relationship. I am sorry if you thought that.

With you becoming a member here meeting new friends will help you reach the place where you are not as cautious. I promise you, being here on a regular basis you will find support love and friendships that last for years to come.

You will find the strength you need to help you come-out to everyone as you feel comfortable. Learning how to be in the community as a gay man, living the life for you and learning that it is your life and you need to make it a fantastic life.

Jerry

Hey dano92,

I understand that sense of frustration. Dealing with the situation where the guy you have fallen for is the one accessible guy you cannot have is going to make it all seem worse.

Again I can only pass on the advice I have been given and believe to be sound. Jumping into hook ups can be a real double edged sword. Immediate relief but unlikely to last past one meeting. Really does not sound like what you were looking for anyway. Just a warning though, it also requires strict discipline from a sexual health point of view. There are predators out there so again, please be careful!

Being scared to socialise because of who may find out is difficult. I do know that there are fb communities for those finding coming out hard. That can sometimes allow you to place guys in similar situations (or that have been there) that you can talk to and potentially meet. Obviously that will require that you are confident that you are comfortable coming out on fb or that you create a separate account.

You will know when you are ready to come out fully and make a complete and open life as a gay guy. When that time comes you will need support from your friends. When the time does come remember and do it your way and in your own time. I really wish you all the best and hope it works out better than you could have imagined. It does happen!!

You may be lucky on the dating sites but I would not rely on it. Try looking for alternatives to the dating sites. On line communities are a possibility if you cannot find a way to go the a physical meeting.

Remember you are young (I think so anyway) and while you feel the need to have a meaningful relationship, it does not have to come at any cost. Weigh up the risks for yourself before you take action my friend. It is not easy to be patient (I know) but it is worth it in the long run. You do not want to do anything you regret purely because of being in too much of a hurry.

All the best my friend and keep posting and people here will listen and help.

Good morning Dano92,

I understand that you are having difficulty about coming out. There is a fear which you must face head on. You have to move forward with your life, living it for yourself. If you do not you will never find the happiness and peace that you are longing for.

There is only one way you can find peace , search inside of yourself and understand that there is only two fears: the fear of losing what you have and not getting what you want. I encourage you make a list of your fears and place them in one of the aforementioned fears. Once finished, read over them and feel the fear.

There is a specific study which states that 85% of gays and lesbians struggle to come out. Within themselves one must address their struggles. Each struggle is overcoming one hurdle after another. Learning about yourself and those around you.

What I would suggest is that your friends care for and love who you are and they will still love you once they know you are gay. It can be a liberating for you and others may be surprised. But the bottom line is that the only difference with you is whom you choose to love. You are talking one aspect of your life (who you have sex with). Personally, I do not look at people and think about who they love or are having sex with. It never crossed my mind.

Once you step out and give your family and friends credit that they will understand and love you no matter what your will find peace. If someone, anyone for that matter decides that your sexuality should end the friendship, relationship or even family connections., then that is their loss and not yours..

It is difficult to realize but you must find peace for yourself, not in the eyes, touch, kiss or hugs of another but within yourself. Once you can look into the mirror and love the man looking back, looking deep inside yourself and finding out who you really are you will you find peace and love for yourself. Your sexuality is just a very small part of a wonderful man who has a great deal of love and compassion for others.

Please Dano92 do not be hard on yourself, do not ignore your feelings and desire, nurture the gay side of yourself daily. Meeting people through dating sites can be fun, but you also need to be around other gays and lesbians in person to connect with other people for a support and fun.

I hope that you have gained something from this. Post.

Jerry