Gay Men's Challenges Support Group
This community is dedicated to the challenges that gay men face, both between the partners in a relationship and from other influences (family, society, etc.). Find support and talk to others who may be facing the same challenges, and share your experience.
Hi all. I'm used to being on the other end of these things but would appreciate some outside input.
Recently my boyfriend and I have been going through a rough patch. He started treating me coldly, avoided spending time with me, neglecting me emotionally and trying to hide his social life from me. I though am not one to ignore such things and have called him out on this numerous times. This is not the first time this has happened either.
What I've noticed (and he agrees is the case) is that every time we start getting closer, he panics and pushes me away. He says his "cold shoulder" is unintentional and has no idea why he does that. He often says he fears that he'll lose having things that are "just his" if we get too close. I reply that I want him to always have things he'll call his own, but that I'd like him to share some things with me so that we could have things that are "just ours".
I ask him if I'm doing something wrong to push him away and he says no. He says I am being patient, kind and loving. He admitted that he's never had someone care so much and is terrified of letting down his walls to return that affection. He jokingly says "I love my bubble, it's designer". I have reminded him of how unhealthy such complacency is. He loves me, of that I have no doubt, but he cannot bring himself to openly express it.
His emotional barriers come from his upbringing. He was adopted into a loving home in a privileged area, so his struggles have never been financial or "going without". His struggles come from the social climate created in such communities. He grew up and socialized with the children of oil tycoons and corporate heirs and heiresses. He likens it to growing up on the show "The OC". So his social life was constantly rife with an underlying sense of warfare. Who's plotting this? Who's family has a grudge against who's? Who has a secret and what are they willing to do to protect it? It may seen trivial to some, but such is life. I didn't grow up in such an environment. In fact, until my mother found a job when I was in middle school, I was quite poor. So when I express love, with no ulterior motive than to see him happy and healthy... he panics.
Recently all these issues came to a head, and yesterday, after I hugged him for no other reason than I wanted to. He broke down sobbing and said "This is not okay. You're so much better than me. You deserve someone that can at least be nice to you". I tried to comfort him, but he shied away from my touch and ran out. He has since calmed down. I in no way think I'm better than him, I just think I'm more in touch with my emotions and have a handle on processing them. And when he's not pushing me away, he is affectionate, sweet and loving.
I'm trying to be there for him without putting too much pressure on him. I'm trying to be what he needs me to be. I'm just not entirely sure what that is. He doesn't want to lose me, but the prospect of keeping me terrifies him. I feel like he is broken inside, and that although I wish I could with all my heart, I cannot fix what's broken for him; it is something he must decide to do for himself. Any advice?
Recently my boyfriend and I have been going through a rough patch. He started treating me coldly, avoided spending time with me, neglecting me emotionally and trying to hide his social life from me. I though am not one to ignore such things and have called him out on this numerous times. This is not the first time this has happened either.
What I've noticed (and he agrees is the case) is that every time we start getting closer, he panics and pushes me away. He says his "cold shoulder" is unintentional and has no idea why he does that. He often says he fears that he'll lose having things that are "just his" if we get too close. I reply that I want him to always have things he'll call his own, but that I'd like him to share some things with me so that we could have things that are "just ours".
I ask him if I'm doing something wrong to push him away and he says no. He says I am being patient, kind and loving. He admitted that he's never had someone care so much and is terrified of letting down his walls to return that affection. He jokingly says "I love my bubble, it's designer". I have reminded him of how unhealthy such complacency is. He loves me, of that I have no doubt, but he cannot bring himself to openly express it.
His emotional barriers come from his upbringing. He was adopted into a loving home in a privileged area, so his struggles have never been financial or "going without". His struggles come from the social climate created in such communities. He grew up and socialized with the children of oil tycoons and corporate heirs and heiresses. He likens it to growing up on the show "The OC". So his social life was constantly rife with an underlying sense of warfare. Who's plotting this? Who's family has a grudge against who's? Who has a secret and what are they willing to do to protect it? It may seen trivial to some, but such is life. I didn't grow up in such an environment. In fact, until my mother found a job when I was in middle school, I was quite poor. So when I express love, with no ulterior motive than to see him happy and healthy... he panics.
Recently all these issues came to a head, and yesterday, after I hugged him for no other reason than I wanted to. He broke down sobbing and said "This is not okay. You're so much better than me. You deserve someone that can at least be nice to you". I tried to comfort him, but he shied away from my touch and ran out. He has since calmed down. I in no way think I'm better than him, I just think I'm more in touch with my emotions and have a handle on processing them. And when he's not pushing me away, he is affectionate, sweet and loving.
I'm trying to be there for him without putting too much pressure on him. I'm trying to be what he needs me to be. I'm just not entirely sure what that is. He doesn't want to lose me, but the prospect of keeping me terrifies him. I feel like he is broken inside, and that although I wish I could with all my heart, I cannot fix what's broken for him; it is something he must decide to do for himself. Any advice?
I can tell you care an awful lot about your boyfriend. The fact that your boyfriend was adopted into an upper-class world gives a lot of insight into the feelings he may be facing.
Although he may have had all the material things he wanted, perhaps he just never felt the love that people should feel from their parents when growing up. Perhaps his adoptive family tried to buy him love. I imagine that may be the case. And perhaps he also wonders about his biological parents, if he has not had any or ample contact with them. He may need some closure on those issues.
I commend you for trying your best to make this work; a lesser man would have already moved on. What you can do is continue to slowly let him know what real love is. I don't think he knows. Reassure him constantly that your outward expressions are to show him how you really feel about him, and that there is no agenda and no other reasons for these expressions of love other than love itself.
I came from a broken childhood myself. I was neither poor nor rich, but sometimes I had more than enough of the things I needed, and sometimes a lot less. So to me, material things aren't terribly important. I hope they're not for your boyfriend. If so, that's something you need to work on together.
It may take a while for him to heal. Staying with him during this hard time in his life will help him be more trusting and it'll strengthen those inner ailments he faces. Sometimes he'll need a little space. Just give it to him. It's not complacency; it's how he chooses to deal with his emotions. Some people don't want anybody to see them while they're hurting inside.
As he gains more assurance, he will begin to open up to you and let you into his heart at increasing levels. I sincerely wish you well in making this work. Please keep me updated.
--Enrique
I never really thought of his bubble as a coping mechanism. Perhaps instead of doing away with it altogether, we should work on only using it when he needs it.
The odd thing is, I know his parents. They are unbelievably devoted to him and offer him all the care and support in the world. He knows very little about his birth parents (he was adopted before his first birthday) other than he is Trinidadian in ethnicity and that he came from Florida. He has stated that he has no interest in that part of his life and that he would rather focus on the family that wants him than the one that didn't. Despite being upper-class, his parents don't buy him much. Sure he has nice things, but they have always given him limits and try not to just hand things to him. They try to use their money wisely and in ways to help their kids. In fact, once they adopted my boyfriend, they left their gated community to live more modestly in the hopes of instilling those fundamental values.
I guess all I can do now is what you said. Give him his space and wait here on the other side of his emotional bubble, with open arms.
Anyway, mu husband and I went through a period with similar issues. "The wall". My hubby doesn't come from privilege but he grew up in a similar dynamic where things are very settle, subtle and the underlying aggressiveness.
What I found in my case (and through counseling) is that a lot of it was communication. People who grow up like my hubby don't seem to get direct communication, since he grew up hearing something saying some words but meaning only-god-knows-what. I learned to "speak his language" in the sense that I had to understand that I was communicating clearly (as per my way of communicating), but my words actually were interpreted completely different.
That said, something I really suggest you is to communicate to him that "the wall" hurts you. It is fair to express that it hurts the fact that he pushes you away, even if he expresses that is not intentional. it still hurts. It is an issue that HE has and he has to address in order to have a good relationship.
My hubby and I still struggle a little with that. he "fences" himself emotionally and seems to have a very narrow emotional comfort zone. It got better (as he told me) when he realized how much he was hurting both of us.
I hope this helps.
We are actually at the point where he realizes how much his emotional barriers are hurting us, and he feels awful.
I like the idea of trying to "speak his language". I'll give that some thought.
You are always a great source of strength to all of us here. Within your heart lays a great deal of love for everyone. I do not believe that you are willing to let anyone face any situation alone if you know about. Thank you for all of your kindness.
This brings me to the point that in your personal life I believe that you are the individual. It shows by the love and kindness you offer to your boyfriend. When he is hurting it is obvious that you hurt as well. Your boyfriend is still learning about himself and I suggest that he should consider counseling; actually I think that you both should go so that you have a better understanding.
It is not often that I share much of my younger days, it seems to have always been a great source of pain. When I was born I was born with the silver spoon as it has been described to me. There was never anything that any one of us did without. My parents had 10 kids and I am number 10, I watched how some of the older siblings learned to manipulate my parents often playing one off of the other. Years have passed since both of them moved into spirit I still see some of my siblings living off of their memories and money.
My husband Josh came from the complete opposite home environment. As a boy he struggled to find his place within his family and within the word around him. He was frightened to admit his sexuality and as the result allowed a lie be born from rumors of people who never truly befriended him. When we first met I was 35 and he was 22 which to me was a recipe for disaster and heartbreak.
Josh had not only walls built up around him he also was seeking relief from his pain through drugs. We would spend hours talking before we even started dating, as we spoke I could hear within the silence of what was not being said that he had been reaching out for someone to love him. There were his insecurities and his fear or feeling of not being worthy or good enough to have someone love him.
A lot of what your boyfriend has said to you I have heard from Josh. As he made statements I realized that I needed to be there through it all, which for us it meant that I made sure that when he needed me I was available, which was difficult at times. Little by little he started to open up to me, he would like your boyfriend start crying uncontrollably as he shared the horrific childhood memories. How he was neglected by both of his parents and after their divorce he was taken from his mothers home and placed in states custody.
With each layer being worse than the one before I would sit and listen, holding him and just letting him know that he was safe and I was there. All the while I made sure that I did not push any issues, I allowed them to come out when he was ready or when they would resurface. It was not easy on either one of us, but with love which you are providing to your boyfriend it will slowly get better for both of you. It can be emotionally draining for you, and you must remember that you have to also take care of yourself.
Josh made a comment to me about the drug use I told him that I would not tell him what to do or what he should do with his body. What I did tell him that there was not any room in my life for someone using drugs and having them play out within my life. It is too difficult for everyone involved. Josh stopped using drugs all together that night. Shocked me, but as he became clean his thinking improved and he was able to deal with his inner hidden issues. Some I honestly do not think that he even realized were there.
Yesterday 1/31/2012 we celebrated out 10th year anniversary of being legally married in the US and on July 20th 2012 we will celebrate 16 years together. This is not meant to seem as if it was an easy process or that we walked through a field of flowers every day singing show tunes, we worked at it. It was within the first 6 months that he realized just how much his issues fears and torment was hurting me and us. When he was clear enough to see that it was affecting us and our relationship is when it seriously improved.
Steve, I hope that in some small way I have given you support which is beneficial. Also I want to say thank you for all of the love and support you have given to all of us here on DS.
With hugs,
Jerry
I want to piggyback on what Jerry said. Counseling is a good idea. I too think it will help. Also, your willingness to stay and help your man get through a tough time in his life says a lot about your character. It says that you are truly there in the good times AND the bad.
I also want to thank you for all your advice. It was hard for me being a young closeted gay man in a "Don't Ask Don't Tell" Army. I didn't know what to do. I reached out, and you gave me words of wisdom that helped me to be true to who I am. I am a happier person thanks to you and other DS members and close friends who stood by me.
One thing I forgot to mention is to keep your faith in God strong at this time. Dealing with this situation may tire you some days. But remember God's promise: they that wait upon the Lord shall have their strength renewed. They shall mount up with wings like eagles and fly; they shall run and not be weary, walk and not faint.
God will renew your strength from day to day as you deal with this issue. He is your Daily Strength.
--Enrique
So I finally, FINALLY, got my boyfriend to open up the other night. He finally explained that he was not ready to be so defined as a couple (The whole, casual versus committed). He doesn't mind being my boyfriend, or being exclusive, but he wants to have his own friends for now and part of his life that does not include me. He also admitted that an ex had contacted him recently confessing his love for my boyfriend. My boyfriend also admitted that he still has feelings for his ex, but his feelings for me are keeping him from acting on it. This conflicting emotion was part of his "hot and cold" moods. He said he didn't tell me because he was afraid I'd get mad and yell at him. I explained that although it hurt... a lot, I only get mad when I feel disrespected. I explained that I'd hope what we had built together would counteract his wandering feelings for his ex, and I told him that I never pretended he didn't have a life before me, nor did he not open his heart to someone before me. I know those feelings don't just go away. I can only trust he is able to leave his past behind him/
I wasn't too worried about the ex thing, I was worried about the relationship though. I wanted to move to something more serious and he thought we were already too serious. I am man enough to admit my mistakes and yes, I have been a burden on his social life. When he has friends over, I do my best to engage them because I didn't want to embarrass him. So some of them started to be my friends too. Turns out he always hoped I'd be a little more subtle so that his friends would gradually come to regard me, and he can maintain his friends as his own. It sounds strange, but he was absolutely right. Without meaning to, I had injected myself into his social life. In fact most of my social life has since revolved around him and his group. I wish he would have told me sooner; it is definitely something I wouldn't have picked up on my own, but since he pointed it out, seems so glaringly obvious.
He also said that even though I try and give him alone time, he feels us being around each other so much (if you've forgotten, we began as roommates) puts him on guard and occasionally puts him in his moods. While I wish desperately he could relax himself around me, I cannot force him to.
Like you said Enrique, God takes care of us. Our lease is up soon, and I thought I'd have to live with him and our other roommate again because living on my own is so expensive. Then I got an email for an apartment in my price range. It is a beautiful one bedroom on New York's upper east side, my dream apartment really. I sign the lease next week.
I pray that this separation in living quarters will allow us to grow as a normal couple. Living together from the start was risky and I think we waded those waters as best we could. In this way he can hopefully get his space. This will also force me to be master of my own social life, since i had inadvertently been leeching off his. The good Lord saw fit to drop this amazing apartment in my lap, and I am hopeful that at best, provides the catalyst to repair our relationship, or at worst allows us the freedom to let each other go on good terms. I am hoping for the former.
You sound like you feel you did something wrong. If I had a boyfriend who connected with my friends and fit well into my circle of friends as you did with your boyfriend, I would welcome that and be very happy about it. However, this simply isn't the case with your boyfriend.
Your boyfriend is just has different preferences on what he expects from a boyfriend. The two of you simply failed to communicate about that and it doesn't have to be anyone's fault. As far as the speed of your relationship, again, I would be fine with the speed your
I think this new living arrangement will allow the two of you to wipe the slate clean and get things right. Communicate better with each other. Ever watch Bill Maher? When something annoys one of you, simply say, "New Rule..." And always listen to Dan Savage's podcast. That's been a routine of mine since I started dating, and even before that. There's always something in there to help with your relationship issues.
Peace,
Enrique
You cant' help him work though his emotional issues as you are a part of them. This work, if it is to be done at all, will have to happen between him and someone objectively neutral. Hopefully he will pursue the counseling route.
How are you handling this? Through all of this you've managed to talk about your partner and to "process" the relationship; however, you've not talked much about your emotional response to what is obviously a very personal and emotional loss. There must be a barrage of feelings you're going through: anger, betrayal, fear, sadness, displacement, jealousy, etc. Just as you realize your partner has to work through his issues, you too, Mr. Counselor, must now take personal inventory and turn the emotional mirror around to face you.
Keep us posted. We wish the best for you.
Since we don't have to worry about his emotional stability all the time, we have even been able to focus some on my emotional needs and wants; help me deal with my own insecurities. Though it's never easy to hold a mirror up to yourself, it is helpful. I can finally see us being a steady couple. He is respecting me more, and is even introducing me to more of his friends and coworkers. I think he is trying to tie me into his life instead of keeping me separate from it. Here's hoping these trends continue.
His version of "cold shoulders" is, according to him, because I remind him of one of his exes that left him, and he's used to giving some people a very demeaning look when he thinks they are not doing the right thing (of course, I get it once in a while).
After I pointed out about this demeaning look, he said, "What do you want me to do? ... It shouldn't be this hard." I don't really know what this means, but I will deal with it tonight. This thread really helps me to think about how I should carry my conversation with him tonight.
Wish me luck!
Seth